Melanie Slade, girlfriend to Arsenal’s Theo Walcott, steps out for a night at Sketch, London. June 30, 2009. Caution, her outfit may cause drowsiness.

Be honest, Kickettes.

Jude Cisse is a better woman than any of us.

Would you be able to bite your tongue and happily skip out the front door into a waiting cab if your man was dressed like this? Not saying one single thing about the clothing choices? Smiling and remaining engaged in conversation throughout the evening?

Jude let’s Djibril fully unleash his inner style crazy. And we’re beginning to think it’s the secret to their relationship success.

Sergio Ramos attends the Belen Lopez flamenco show in Madrid. No, he’s not wearing tartan suspenders. It’s just a piping sort of detail on his shirt. Hmm, that doesn’t actually make it any better. Glad he looks happy, though! Image via RTVE.es and the Real Madrid Community

We love the Italian media.

When it comes to reporting the good, bad and in-between of Italian footballer behaviour, they always err on the side of dramatic. 

According to all the tabs, just about every player in the league has done some relationship damage in the off-season – and it’s only July.

Let’s go through and score the gossip column inches on a scale of 1 (authentic) to 10 (bish-please).

Luca Toni and Marta Cecchetto in 2008.

Image via BIG Pictures UK/KEYSTONE Press

It’s a £4,000 Alexander McQueen dress. The shoes are Louboutins. The hair is from a freshly-shorn foreigner who now has enough money to buy groceries this week.

We kid/apologize. Hair extensions are every diva’s best friend and it was wrong of us to even acknowledge them, let alone make an ill-timed joke.

Your thoughts on Cheryl’s look for her birthday celebration at Vanilla?  Fashion forward or fashion fail?

See more pics of Cheryl’s dress here.

Worry about what, you ask?

Well, let’s start with Roque’s finger wave.

We’re all for retro hair-dos, but we prefer such looks on females. In films. Or at retro fancy dress parties. Or on female mannequins in fancy dress costume shops.

And yeah, the fabric on the shirt should have been left at the polyester yarn factory from whence it came. We’d also prefer a little less necklace action. In fact, we quite prefer Roque with nothing on his upper half whatsoever.

Why are the members of our Finest Five list trying our patience so? Roque and his Let’s Jam gel waves. Iker and his constant sniffies. Xabi and that damn beard. [Edited to add] Cesc’s faux-hawk avec Nasri highlights. (We had a mental block on that one.)

We love them. And yet, they just want to break our hearts.

UPDATE:

Although reports in numerous media outlets in Portugal and Spain ran stories last wee about The Special One and his “special” friendships with other women, Jose Mourinho and his wife have gone public denying they are separating.

The family have done a group shot whilst on holiday with the magazine Lux, and insist all is well on the home front.  Interestingly enough, the magazine states that Mourinho isn’t going to sue anyone who printed the story about the divorce.

Curious, no? If the stories were way off base, wouldn’t you be calling in the solicitors? We sense all is not what it seems on this one, Kickettes.

Original story continues below.

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To all those with a penchant for the silver foxes amongst us, here’s a heads up.

Jose Mourinho, Inter Milan’s head coach and key cashmere-wearer is getting a divorce from his wife, Matilde.

Apparently, the straw that broke wifey’s tolerance levels were the rumours of Jose hooking up with an Italian woman. 

“When my mother is involved, then I’m sorry but I don’t let anyone, I repeat anyone, harass her… I regret what I did, but I can’t promise that I would not react in the same way again, because when my mother, [Dolores], is involved it is difficult for me to keep a calm state of mind.“
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Cristiano explains why he kicked in the car window of a girl filming him and his mother on their way to an Elton John concert in Lisbon.

Conflicting reports have the girl as a paparazzi and/or a fan girl.

In other completely related un-related news, Cristiano’s ex, Nereida Gallardo is continuing her never-ending, life-long media tour of famewhoring without clothes, and recently said that if Dolores doesn’t like you, you’ve got no chance of a relationship with Cristiano. (link NSFW).

No shite, Sherlock.

Link: Cristiano Ronaldo Rages

Cheryl Cole heads into the studio with a birthday bouquet - she turned twenty-six yesterday, and was in Birmingham filming X Factor auditions. FYI, her hubby Ashley surprised her with a cake… shaped like a dog.

Images via Celebrity-Gossip

We’re predicting seconds, mere seconds before this baby is born, Kickettes.

Olalla’s official date may be July 15, but surely those extra two weeks could result in an explosion? Baby Nando, it’s time to come out now. Please. Counting your freckles will make our life complete.

Kudos to Olalla though, she’s still smiling and she’s still able to walk.  We notice she has decided to give makeup a pass, though. Fair play to her.

Fernando-fans: can you tell us who the hell the dog belongs to?

Germany U21’s take home the big prize after yesterday’s trouncing of the lovely England lads.  Join in their celebratory round of applause, they deserve it. Now let’s all get drunk. Oh, and check out video of all the goals here.

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Do any of our readers follow the K-Leagues? They’re going through footie wedding season too.
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Looks like we weren’t the only ones that struggled to get anything decent out of Adrian Mutu in a Q&A setting. Way to make an effort, mate!
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It’s only Tuesday. Let’s make it better for you - check out the top ten hotties of the Confederations Cup.
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Speaking of the Confed Cup, the Vuvuzela disease is spreading and Fernando Torres is the carrier.
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Don’t look directly at the sandals and everything will be okay.
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Is the transfer talk making you insane yet? Andrey Arshavin and Barcelona? Xabi Alonso to Real Madrid? Michael Ballack to Hamburg? Please, someone put us out of our misery and start the season already.
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Get your library cards up to date, Kickettes. The first excerpt from the all-singing-all-slamming book about David Beckham in the MLS is out, and it’s juicy bitchy. (You can pre-order here, the book is on sale from July 14th.)

There are several things we could discuss about Mr and Mrs Rooney doing the holiday thing in France:

Coleen’s jet-ski action;
Coleen’s cute bikini;
Wayne’s inability to tan;
Etc

But we find that the only thing we can focus on is science. In particular, human skin and its ability to stretch to baby-sized proportions. Nature rules, doodes!

Col still has a way to go before her baby is due. Let’s hope our girl’s got a lifetime supply of Bio Oil and some damn good cocoa butter.

Alessandro Nesta takes his daughter for a surf break whilst on vacation in Miami Beach. Careful with your back, Nesty!

Frank Lampard is still on holiday in Las Vegas.

It’s been longer than 48 hours. In fact, it’s been a week.

We didn’t think it was possible to “do” Vegas for that long without dying of alcohol poisoning or catching something that requires a prescription. But it would seem Lampsy is in his element: sun, poolside drinks and skanky chicas as far as the eye can see.

Hardly surprising that the tabloids are full of photos of him oogling women in bikinis like it’s a major news break.  But, to that we say, big deal. He’s a baller. He’s single. He’s on holiday. Let him look. (Although in one particular case, even we had to say, Hold Up. Is this bitch naked?)

What’s newsworthy in this story? Well, Frankie is flying the flag high for Brits on vacation by baking his skin into a healthy shade of red only seen in lipstick tubes. And he’s not been arrested. We say, success!

Now come home Frank. Please.

Micah Richards may be young, but he’s been grating cheese professionally for quite some time. And after losing 4-0 to Germany in the U21 Championships, England can thankfully take pride in this stunning achievement. Hurrah to the Richards gene pool! Image via Reuter