April 26th, 2010
2010 Update: The Kickette Hot Hall Of Fame
The Kickette Hot Hall of Fame = Timeless totty that will never fade in our hearts or nethers.
NEW ADDITION: XABI ALONSO, REAL-LY HOT MADRID
We realise that we are somewhat demanding in our requirements when it comes to footballers. Indeed, some may say we expect the impossible. But we’ll never apologise for having high expectation. We’re hot bishes and deserve the best.
These requirements are as myriad as they are diverse. Our baller must be faithful and true. He will have the genetic traits in place to repeatedly produce beautiful babies. He will consistently play well for his glamorous elite club in order to maintain the lifestyle to which we intend to become accustomed. He will know how to dress himself to supermodel standard, whether shilling product or arriving at training camp. Oh, and he needs to be hot as hell. Obviously.
Many years of research have led us to the conclusion that only one man is capable of fulfilling our stringent criteria. That man is Xabi Alonso.
A shoo-in for the Finest Five in the last round of voting, Xabi has variously been described by you guys as ‘the Spanish Mr Bond’, ‘the walking definition of perfect’ and the cause of some confusion, sexuality wise. We bow to the weight of expectation, people. He’s going into the Hot Hall Of Fame.
Last word? In an impassioned plea sent to Kickette office last week, the following was stated: ‘How can Xabi’s continued exclusion be explained justifiably? I don’t think it can. Besmirch this righteous legacy no more. I implore you’.
We couldn’t have put it better ourselves.
IKER CASILLAS – REAL MADRID
It’s hardly a surprise to see our long-time love Iker Casillas finally moving over to the upper echelons of our appreciation list.
After sitting atop our F5 for several years, keeping our hearts a flutter with a variety of emo expressions, charity work cuteness, knicker-popping photoshoots, anti-carb stance and dating shenanigans we largely (unsurprisingly) disapproved of, the depth of our feelings had to be acknowledged.
After much soul (and hard drive) searching, we now know that no amount of terrible (excruciatingly awful) clothing choices can ever change the way we feel about our boy. Yes, yes, yes. It’s always been you, Iker.
FRANCESCO TOTTI, AS ROMA
Much like the other men on our Hot HOF list, Francesco Totti is an icon in his realm.
This Italian’s specialty is of high value round these parts: he has no naked shame. The fine Francesco is a man that seems more comfortable with his clothes off than on – a modern day hero if we’ve ever met one. He’s got a feisty wife, two beautiful ovary-popping children, a love of animals and… well let’s just get back to the love of parading around minimally clothed bit. Boy buff, yes?
DAVID BECKHAM, LA GALAXY
Where else would Beckham be, but at the top of the mancandy foodchain? He is – and has been for quite some time now, one of the sexiest men on the pitch. His success, his willingness to experiment with his personal style and take risks, his sweet spot kicks, his ability to rise like a buff, chiseled phoenix from the injuries, dramas, trials and tribulations that have sat alongside his stellar career and prove naysayers wrong? All tick the “Hot HOF” win box for us.
Fatherhood suits him better than Armani. And we hate to admit it, but all those stories about his affairs? In our darker moments we admit they make him hotter: he is fallible and driven by lust. And insanely rich. He’s the living nummies.
FABIO CANNAVARO, RETIRED
Italy is a country full of the suave, stylish and seductively-accented, yet for us, Fabs is head and shoulders above the rest. It’s the twinkle in his eye and his claim to the best booty in Europe. (Trust us, we’ve checked). He’s a fantastic defender. Oh, and he has a hot brother, Paolo. That counts for a lot in our books.
If that’s not enough to sway you, we respect your right to be wrong. We also have this to say: They Had To Shrink It. Thanks for playing.
FREDDIE LJUNGBERG, FREE AGENT
Naysayers will point out that Mr. Yum-berg is losing the battle to retain a full head of hair; we say it’s the testosterone overload from his manly macho man-filled manliness that is the cause. Case in point: how many footie players have been very successful models for Calvin Klein? Who can attest to that level of sizzle? In some places across North America, Freddie was known first for his skanties, second for his football. Let’s all give respect where due, okay? Who else can rock tightie whities like that? No one, dagnabit. No one.
PAOLO MALDINI, RETIRED
The more time passes, the more we appreciate. The more we appreciate, the more we want to feed Paolo tiramisu whilst he reads to us from the Gucci catalogue and flexes his thighs every page and a half. It’s not just Mr. Maldini’s historic level of play that is such a sizzle-factor for us, it’s his great style, panache and full blown swagger he’s got at levels triple that of the average bloke. And he’s Italian. Basta.
RAUL GONZALEZ, SCHALKE 04
Raul’s doe-eyes of chocolate and museum worthy hip dips didn’t hurt either.
He’s all class, this hombre. Indeed, he makes us want to break into MOR radio showtunes of appreciation: We don’t know much, but we know we love you.
THIERRY HENRY, NEW YORK RED BULLS