August 9th, 2010

A Message To Abigail Clancy

Dear Abi,

We’re not sure if these heinous rumours are true, but if they are, we do know one thing:

Visiting a prostitute while you are engaged to the eye-watering hotness that is yourself is the behaviour of someone in receipt of a comprehensive and highly successful frontal lobotomy.

But let’s not focus on the negative. Indeed, we won’t be offering our condolences to you; we will offer ourselves instead.

Here are five reasons why you should forget about Peter and go out with us instead.

1. We’re cuter. And you get six for the price of one.

2. Not only would you be in a position to reap the benefits of “double wardrobing” (we’ll share if you will), we would pay attention to your choices when shopping and offer valid critiques instead of milling about in a bored manner, checking our messages and saying ‘It looks great, luv’ without looking. Therefore, mistakes like this will never happen again.

3. Much like yourself, we like a bit of a drink. However, when out clubbing, a few too many  will not inspire us to a) wet ourselves or b) dance like a tool. Well, definitely a), anyway.

4. Your standard of living would not have to suffer. We give you our word we would sell all of our David Beckham merchandise (including the bouncy castle and branded foot spa) in order to keep you in the manner to which you’ve become accustomed.

5. If we ever happen to be at a stag do in Madrid shortly after returning from a romantic break, we promise we won’t cheat on you with a prostitute. Like, duh!

Call us.

(Seriously.) We’re in all day.

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52 Responses to “A Message To Abigail Clancy”

  1. RM says:

    Didn’t a story come out around the time of the last World Cup which claimed that Abbey had cheated on Crouch with an ex-boyfriend? Whilst things may have changed, and I do feel for her, it may be a case of what goes around comes around. Still horrible on his part though – I guess these high-profile footballers really are the same.

  2. anabela says:

    Oh, come on!!!!!!! Of course that she's with him because she is chasing his money too.

    • anabela says:

      Let's be honest,she didn't fall for him because of his beaty or charming look! Well he isn't Yoann Gourcuff, no one is like our sweat lashes!!! Speaking about him, I read some rumors about his love life! And I must say that, I don't know all the details, but it's true(unfortunally) that Yoann is crazy in love with his ex girlfriend Bojana (Ambrosine) and wants to win her back! And you want to know how I found out this? Well, Chamakh's sister is my great friend and of course, I know him too! And Chamakh knows everything about Yoann's love life and especially about that romance!!!! So, that girl Lara,I don't know how she found out, but she's telling the truth!!!

      • JulieFromParis says:

        MAIS C'EST PAS VRAI!!! WHYYYY again???? What is your aim at spreading that story?? I really don't get it…

        • anabela says:

          Ohhhh, take an easy girl! I really don't know what a hell you're talking about??? You certainly mixed me with someone else!!!!!!! This is my first time to write about Yoann's love life here! And I wrote that for the girls who really wanna know what is really happenning, the real truth; not to live in some fantazy world! But, if you don't wanna know about that and you prefer dreaming before reality, that's your problem!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Pam says:

    Crough is an idiot. was it worth it now that the whole world knows about it and realizes what a scum he is? What a low thing to do when he has a fiancee like Abigail. She better get tested for STD's.

  4. lulu says:

    This post is grenous! Great and genious!
    The bad part is, as I understand from my chats with male football fans (and closet Kickette fans), that most guys think she’s with him because of the money…
    So the fact he cheated on her (yes, even with a ho’) is pretty much meaningless!
    Because she’s only after the bags, boots, and clothes, and etc.
    The World is a shitty place indeed :(
    Chin up, Abi!

  5. kaya says:

    I thought she made enough money to live like a WAG without Crouchinho?

    1) Maybe he's testing her. If she forgives him, that means she was only marrying him for the money, if she doesn't… oh, um, whoops.

    2) Maybe he's just a cheap date and wanted a little more meat on his ham hocks for 1 night.

    I don't understand why all these guys get married so young. So many seem to end up in the same situation and yet so few hit their late-20s still single. In my world, guys are never married before 30… and they'll never have the same "opportunities" the footballers do.

  6. Pat says:

    Hey guys, come on at least he scored, England 1 – Algeria 0 LOL

  7. £800 doesn’t buy much these days, does it? Not discretion, and certainly not a decent set of fake tits. “Monica Mint”, though, is the best hooker name EVER.

    • Jules says:

      Monica Mint is a pretty amazing hooker name but did anyone else notice that odd line down from her belly button into her knickers? Bad plastic surgery, perhaps?

      • Janey says:

        its called linea nigra. everyone has it…some darker than others…in pregnancy it darkens even further…

  8. Dutch89 says:

    I did not see this coming at all from Crouch…What i cant get my head round is why Crouch PAID for sex when he has a stunning girlfriend at home!!! with a banging body. Was that 1 hour session really worth jeopardising his relationship, what a waste of money.

  9. rubyqueen says:

    OH MY on earth could you ever cheat on the beauty that is abbie.she is the most stunning creature ever.dump him abbie and never look back.:)

  10. DC says:

    She won’t dump him; she needs his fame and money. Who is she without Peter’s name attached to hers?

    • liv says:

      Its a pity though, AND I Believe your comment is so true Eg Cheryl is still called cheryl Cole even after The Divorce!

  11. liv says:

    Good Lord! Peter C cheat on the Lovely Abby with a WHORE; I am telling you it is like an epidemic disease Famous men & sluts!

  12. I think these footballers have shown that they are nothing more than ungrateful losers, having the world's most gorgeous women at home but STILL cheating?!?! (Remember Ashley and Cheryl? Do women get any prettier than Cheryl?) Now Crouch. Guess they're never really satisfied…

  13. imhereforthenando says:

    I don't really understand how Peter Crouch's indiscretions can serve as an opportunity to insult his fiancee. No one deserves to be treated this way.

  14. Jamtart Heart says:

    I don’t know what’s up with reckless celebrity men these days; it’s not like there isn’t a gaggle of nosy, greedy, opportunistic people with cell phones and cameras waiting to record absolutely everything you do (and waiting to sell ‘their stories’ for a few bob) on every street corner. Everything about this is so gross, whether it’s true or not, you know?

    I’d like to thank the ‘vice girl’ quoted in NOTW for this little gem, though:

    “He was wearing jeans and a shirt and those pointy black dress shoes all Englishmen wear. They’re horrible!”

    Clearly the cherry on the creep-tastical sundae of PC’s alleged sordid evening, it’s that kind of attention to detail that really screams “my gushing and breathless account of every instant we were together is absolutely true! See how I remembered to mention his shoes”?


  15. aps says:

    That hooker looks like Nereida. Guess they come a dime a dozen in Spain. Crouch is an idiot cuz he should be counting his blessings that he got with someone as beautiful as Abbey cuz we all know as he said he'd still be a virgin if he wasn't a footballer or spending money on hookers to give him some. SMH.

    • Janey says:

      The girl is african….from africa, algeria. far from spain lol

      • Dutch89 says:

        I think i read in the papers that she was from Tunisia, she’s not Spanish though.

      • aps says:

        I never said she's FROM Spain. I said it looks like they (meaning hookers)come a dime a dozen IN Spain. Never said they had to be FROM Spain. And I don't need any Geography lessons from you. I know quite well where both places are.

        • Janey says:

          calm down dear lol…its just your grammar, it appears as though that is what you were implying.

  16. tammyv says:

    Crouchie has earned the title of DUMBEST MAN ON PLANET EARTH

  17. zizi says:

    firstly Am disapointed in peter,but still Abi,it is a disgrace or even so humiliation to u. but i will not advice u to leave him,why cuz u loved him,and u are aware of the scandal from football stars,so just pretend this never happened and continue with ur relationship and as well work towards achiving ur goals in life.

    • zizi says:

      but lets be truthful,the prostitu has a role to play too,in trying to expose peter, she was paid,she enjoyed the sex and now she exposed him cuz she kn he is a star,so maybe she needs more money. pl the blame should not be only on peter.

  18. Julia D says:

    I wanna hear more about the Spanish players who act like divas too! Or did she just mean Spanish men in general…..I have no basis for comparison either way :)

    Well I wish Iwas surprised AT ALL, but I'm not. The percentage of players who DON'T feel entitled to "snack" elsewhere must be about 5%. Or maybe I'm cynical this morning. I do like Abby though, ever since the BNTM show where her personality really stood out.

    And he's a bad kisser? THAT'S a deal breaker…move on Abby!

  19. KW says:

    I'm not exactly her biggest fan, but why would any guy consider cheating on THAT?! O_O

    I can't believe the stupidity of men sometimes, I really can't…

  20. Lisa says:

    again top notch reporting by News Of The World… the girl, the hotel AND the room of the hotel all photographed… we should send these people to find Osama.

    Crouchie should have been a basketball player. This kind of sleazy behaviour would not look out of place in the NBA.

    Oh Abi, why did it have to be you? I love the way this post is written and I would totally turn bi for Abi. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    • Sahar says:

      As a football fan and as a NBA fan I'm disappointed in your comment. Obviously these scandals happen a lot in football. What makes you think NBA players are sleazy while football players are saints. Granted footballers are extremely hot but it doesn't mean they are angels.

      • Lisa says:

        I'm sorry I offended you Mrs David Stern (you're not gonna fine me are you?). It was meant as a joke about Crouchie's height and how NBA players are also lying cheating whoremongers.

        At the end of the day what is the difference between football and basketball players?; Horny young men with a lot of money + Desperate women with no class and even less money.

        • Sahar says:

          You don't have to be so rude. What I meant is scandal happens everywhere. Pro athletes just have the money that normal sleazy guys want so they can do what they want to do

          • Lisa says:

            Like I said I’m sorry I offended you. Next time a footballer cheats on his girlfriend with a teenage prostitute, I will try to show more respect. Honest.

  21. Elle says:

    So dissapointed in Crouch. If prostitute thing is true she must dump him the sooner the better. She still very young and can do much better

    • Steph says:

      I agree. If it's true, she needs to leave him, already. Poor Abby. :( I don't get why men do things like this. I mean, look at her. She's gorgeous! WHY would he cheat on her with a prostitute when he's with her?

  22. JulieFromParis says:

    Wht a surprise, a footballer with a hooker?? :)

    No, seriously what disgusts me the most isn't that he came to that prostitute ( I mean, I don't "approve" of this behavior but it is his private life) but that the whole story comes out in a newspaper. Can U imagine? It's hard enough to know your BF/hubby cheats on U without having to be humiliated this way.

  23. Jules says:

    Poor Abs. Of all the footballers, I had hope Crouchy would not be a sleaze bucket (after that brilliant virgin joke, I thought he recognised what he had). Side note, if Crouchy was the only one who didn't treat the teenage prostitute like a "whore", why rat him out and not the Spanish footballers who were allegedly "divas"?

    Chin up, Abby. We all adore you and if there is justice in this world, you got the numbers of the extremely attractive men you posed with just a week or two ago.

  24. Missy Manchester says:

    I'd like to say I'm shocked by Crouch's behaviour…but I'm not.

    Obviously he sees nothing wrong with paying for sex, so he shouldn't have any problem when Abby takes 1/2 his bank account/future earnings for "services rendered".

    • Thea says:

      Unlikely hun, they are not married yet. And as Ellen Rivas and Vanessa Perconelle found out even with kids, you don't have legal entitlement to half of anything.

      • Missy Manchester says:

        Wow. I think in Canada…everything is up for grabs. Here…we treat common-law the same as marriage. Mind you…the length of time living together and the number of children you have also factor into it.

        Either way…Peter is gonna have to part with some ca$h…in the form of a big diamond apology or a "don't-blab' settlement.

        KICKETTE…Perhaps you should do an in-depth piece on what "abandoned" WAGs get when their baller boys cheat. For each ex-couple, you could do a comparison chart showing

        - How long were they together

        - Where was their primary residence (England, Spain, France, etc.)

        - What his assets were

        - How many kids

        Considering that footballers aren't the most faithful creatures, wagabees will need to know these factoids. :)

        - And what did the courts award her?)

        • Thea says:

          In the unlikley event that they split – she may get a settlement if she does not speak to the press, but unless she is on the deeds to the house, and has access to the joint bank accounts and other assests – you get NADA. There's no 'common-law' it's quite old fashioned in the UK.

          Bright spot is she'll keep the clothes, bags and shoes!

  25. Nicola says:

    Oh Kickette, how I love you so. This definitely made me laugh which was a good way to start my morning. ♥

  26. Thea says:

    Great advice Kickette! Have to say that I always this pair were the ultimate odd couple – and for a while in 2006 he seemed to dump her without an after thought (his parents at the WC did the deed, then he did the deed by Fax later on) and she's just seemed to lap it up!

    Upgrade Abi!

    • Lisa says:

      the fact he didn’t even bother to try cover his tracks tells me Crouchie is still the same old dirtbag from 2006.

      I mean, I’m not an expert on picking up whores but the whole thing seems either really amateurish and/or careless.

      Either way, he doesn’t come off as a guy who cares too much about his supposed girlfriend.

      • Thea says:

        But as the others are saying – she's highly unlikely to dump him cause he's a rich, famous footballer and not say a man with a normal job1