August 9th, 2010
A Message To Abigail Clancy
We’re not sure if these heinous rumours are true, but if they are, we do know one thing:
Visiting a prostitute while you are engaged to the eye-watering hotness that is yourself is the behaviour of someone in receipt of a comprehensive and highly successful frontal lobotomy.
But let’s not focus on the negative. Indeed, we won’t be offering our condolences to you; we will offer ourselves instead.
Here are five reasons why you should forget about Peter and go out with us instead.
1. We’re cuter. And you get six for the price of one.
2. Not only would you be in a position to reap the benefits of “double wardrobing” (we’ll share if you will), we would pay attention to your choices when shopping and offer valid critiques instead of milling about in a bored manner, checking our messages and saying ‘It looks great, luv’ without looking. Therefore, mistakes like this will never happen again.
3. Much like yourself, we like a bit of a drink. However, when out clubbing, a few too many will not inspire us to a) wet ourselves or b) dance like a tool. Well, definitely a), anyway.
4. Your standard of living would not have to suffer. We give you our word we would sell all of our David Beckham merchandise (including the bouncy castle and branded foot spa) in order to keep you in the manner to which you’ve become accustomed.
5. If we ever happen to be at a stag do in Madrid shortly after returning from a romantic break, we promise we won’t cheat on you with a prostitute. Like, duh!
(Seriously.) We’re in all day.