May 20th, 2010

A Study in National Team Training Techniques

Darren Bent & Glen Johnson discuss the benefits of Kickette ShinyThigh Liniment™ during an England NT training session. (Images via AP, Reuters, Getty Images)

As we lazily examine the flood of NT training photos currently washing around the office and ruining our work shoes, we’ve noted that each team seems to have a very specific (and frequently non-football related) approach to training for the World Cup.

So, as a service to you, our scrumptious and very discerning readers, we’ve sent the Kickette Scientific ManCandy Research Institute off on one of their specialist missions to suss out what it all means.

While we’re waiting for them to finish spending their expenses money in the pub (which we realise could be some considerable time) we’ve had a go on our own.


Fabio Capello instructs his boys to relax. It’s only the World Cup, after all.

Chatting, lying around and smacking one another about the face seems to be the order of the day in Austria. We don’t want to speak out of turn, but considering En-ger-land’s recent history in tournaments, shouldn’t you maybe, possibly be practising penalties?

We’re just saying.


Yoann Gourcuff (2nd from right) & Thierry Henry (right)  ride the wild…er…ski lift.

A far more sophisticated and sport-related approach by the French NT. In fact, a gentle cycle through the Alps (left)  followed by a bit of a go in one of those ski-lift thingies (above) seems so appealing we may consider the idea for the Kickette annual holiday. In the summer. Snow is rather cold, after all.

Regular readers, please note we’re saying nothing, nothing at all about any sort of photocrasher situation going on.

New Zealand

In light of the fact that (with the greatest of respect) the New Zealand boys are not the bookies fave to get out of the group stages, they have decided to put all their pre season prep into what they will defo win at.

Above, ladies, you see The Haka. And we wholeheartedly approve of its intro to soccer. (Oh, yee Gods, what we wouldn’t pay to see Cristiano have a crack at this!) However, we are slightly concerned if New Zealand’s NT actually believe that hardened man-watchers such as ourselves will not see past the confirmed manhunk (complete with oiled torso) at the front over to his pasty posse team-mates.


Germany’s Lukas Podolski & Stefan Keissling get a bit ‘handsy’ while Rugby mountain Jonah Lomu supervises.

Beaten by arguably more ‘creative’ teams (Italy and Spain) in the last two major tourneys, the German NT have apparently come up with a brilliant scheme. If they are not winning in the last twenty minutes of any of their matches, expect scrums and throwing of opposition players into the air.

We. Can’t. Wait.


The Aussies are embracing technology for their training regime. Here we see Timmy Cahill utilising the Kickette World Cup Ab Monitor™ in a most appropriate manner.

Other devices we will be attempting to shill in the coming weeks are the Kickette Short Tent Probe™ and the Kickette Base Layer Vaporiser™.

Coming to an international football stadium near you! We wish.

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15 Responses to “A Study in National Team Training Techniques”

  1. shay says:

    Might be a bit late but the no17 for the New Zealand team for all those that wanted to know is Sam Messam.

    He represented us at the 2008 olympics, and plays football in NZ however he isn't going to be going to the world cup so you probably won't see the Haka……

  2. cr9 lover says:

    A bit skinny for my taste, except for the one in the front.

  3. Liz says:

    Who is that 17 player for NZ DAMN.

    And as an Aussie, whenever we play NZ, I LOVE seeing the Haka!

  4. Inés says:

    uuuhhh! I choose Uruguay, coz their MY NT and I have to suppoort them! :)

  5. Amy says:

    god, I love yoann's hair right now!!

  6. Trisha (Mrs Iker Casillas) says:

    Gosh, who is NZ’s no. 17….. pray tel????

  7. Ana;) says:

    Haha I heard raymond didn’t have the boys training but I didn’t believe it now I do. The man is bonkers chucking out benzema and getting the boys to hit the slopes. Lol I wander if they’re skiing skills are any better than mine… I suck :( Anyway why skiing that requires too much clothes! How about a day at the beach or even better a sauna minus the towels of course. ;)
    Speaking of People being bonkers( or maybe I should I say a plonker?) it was Defoe that went for Upson instead of the ball in training accidently ohhh looks so painful
    the haka is funny I’m always too busy laughing at their funny faces and painted faces sorry but who’s that meant to scare? Lol number 2 in the pic like like he’s REALLY enjoying it lol

  8. shay says:

    Can i just say thanks for including NZ in your post *LOVE MY COUNTRY*

  9. Bria says:

    Another volunteer here for the installation of the Short Tent Probe!!!
    LOL….there is just something so funny about the New Zealand team….. don’t know what it is!! I likey the tongue action number 17 has going on ; )

  10. With all due respect to the New Zealand lads, who are lovely, the haka is a rugby thing. You need to be 6'4", 230 pounds of bulging muscle, with your ears taped down, and Maori tattoos all over your body to do a really effective haka. :)

    • shay says:

      Yah know i was gonna say the same thing…… In NZ the All Whites don't do the Haka anyway it was only that one time at the olympics (where that pic was taken) Our national hockey team have done it at olympics as well, but that is probably because there are a few more Maori boys in the team to lead it, but no one beats when it comes to rugby…… Kapa O Pango with Tana Umanga is the best….. However Jonah wasn't rubbish at it either :P

  11. Ah…yes, I'll have the Glen Johnson with a Darren Bent on the side, thank you very much! :-p

  12. Amethyst says:

    omg New Zealand… (want them dancing in my room right now :) )

  13. tammyv says:

    This post is criminally lacking USMNT players… we don't do photos so much as video

    of their physicals

    of our pretty players

  14. Emily says:

    Who gets to install the Tent Probe? I would like to volunteer…. *raising hand*