June 1st, 2010
Italy: A Study In World Cup Team Portraits
Images via Claudio Villa/Getty Images, Valerio Pennicino/Getty Images Europe.
Since Italy are the current World Cup holders, we thought their 2010 team portraits were worthy of a Kickette critique. Unfortunately, the squad shots that follow below were not nearly as hot as the above free standing/sitting footballers.
We have come to accept that we are sometimes… wrong.
On the bright side, we do know what was underneath those Dolce & Gabbana suits.
Can this man do no wrong? They say pain is beauty and our hearts and loins ache for this man’s bounty full of pretty.
We could go on, but it’s not necessary nor fair to the subsequent line-up of photo failures.
Grade: A++. Please don’t retire.
A tad on the cookie-cutter side of caution, Zambrotta’s efforts are safely sexy and mildly mischievous.
Of course this man has two shots rather than the standard one photo maximum. In the sky shot (left) he’s got the stoic Cosa Nostra soldier-look on lock. Is he looking at us from heaven? Most likely. However, the lighting and arial view of Borriello’s second individual shot is not really the norm.
Quirks aside, not much can detract from this man’s ability to make a photo shoot of fully-clothed athletes this steamy. The hard nipple, weird collar, broad shoulders and visible collar bones are the inevitable few, though.
We won’t lie: we’ve never paid close attention to this NT keeper. However, those baby blues sure are making a convincing case for more thorough, undivided Kickette stalk-time.
For every good, there’s also a bad: Sirigu’s hair needs work.
His picture just makes us laugh, which is not quite the effect we look for in our loin stirrers. In other words, this portrait doesn’t hold a flame to his Dolce & Gabbana work.
Or, like us, Di Natale doesn’t know what to make of Borriello’s one-man grass show.
Even with a history of being a half-smiling cutie, this American-turned-Italian star has a bad case of OMH (old man hair). Not all flaws can be blamed on the photographer; Rossi’s Benjamin Button age reversal included.
Also: is he wearing Yves Saint Laurent Teint Parfait Complexion Enhancer? His tone is astonishingly even on his face yet the colouring of his neck doesn’t seem to match?
Did this gruesome twosome show up for the team shots the morning after they double-teamed a keg of Budweiser during a 10-hour Nascar bender? To put it kindly, De Rossi looks rough and Pirlo is the dictionary definition of disheveled. Nurofen Extra Strength, a hot shower and a fresh shave for DDR are in order before we can agree to set eyes on either of these bad boys’ frowsy mugs again.
Grade: F. FFS our eyes are burning.