April 6th, 2010

Alan Smith: Breakin’ All The Rules

With promotion to the EPL confirmed this weekend for Newcastle United, we are thrilled to welcome the return to our radar of this man. Yes, it’s Alan ‘Smudger’ Smith, a man whose er… charms are abundant for all to see.

However, upon closer examination, we have noted that Alan has hidden talents too – namely the ability to make even the most horrifying grooming/fashion debacles look not only ok, but darn sexy.

Please, stroll with us and observe the evidence.

The Name ‘Alan’
The only other person foremost in our minds called Alan is comedy character Alan Partridge. And he’s a plonker. Not lovely, like this Alan.

The Roots
You have to be very special indeed to pull off the bleached hair with dark roots look. We should know. As a natural mouser, we feel that Alan not only rocks the roots but, dare we say it, looks hotter with them.

The Full Beard
I’m a man. I can grow hair all over my face. Yes, well, in the vast majority of cases we were glad when evolution took care of this problem. However, here’s Alan confounding science by wearing ‘The Full Beard’ and still looking gorge. Dammit!

The Faux Hawk
Horrible hair-do popularised by David Beckham. Generally sported by those in full time office employment who still want to appear ‘a bit hard’. You know. Like a punk. While Smudge doesn’t necessarily need the ‘do to confirm the bad lad credentials, we feel he wears it well nonetheless.

The Newcastle Away Kit
Hideous. Roundly mocked. Should clash spectacularly with bleached hair. But doesn’t. Please note. Alan has kindly lifted his shorts to articulate his attractive blond leg hair. Altogether now… mmmmm.

Welcome back, Alan. You were missed.

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16 Responses to “Alan Smith: Breakin’ All The Rules”

  1. Valentina says:

    Gave up on this hot mess when he sold his soul to Man United.
    As for Newcastle being back…yawn! Non-entity FC.
    He’s been so rubbish for them this season that I doubt we’ll see too much of him next season in the Premiership as he’s basically past it, but hey ho, as long as he grows his stubble and takes his top off, I’ll be happy to perve from a distance.
    Behind his bins.
    I’m joking!

  2. sally says:

    Alan has ALWAYS been one of my faves…. I only have two footy tops with names on and his is one. Another reason to tune into MOTD. SOOOOO glad you are back :-)

  3. Missy Manchester says:

    After a detailed anatomical analysis of Mr. A. Smith, I am pleased to provide the following report:

    1. Although his legs are sublime, I am limb-locked on his arms/hands. They are divine–almost on par with my husband's.

    2. He has the perfect proportional chest/hip ratio.

    3. His joints are also perfect (knees, wrists and knuckles).

    Based on the above, I wholeheartedly approve his return to the Premier League.

  4. moomin1314 says:

    sooooo glad he's back… love Smudge!

  5. Sinbad says:

    Always luuurved him and I’m glad the Maggies are back where they belong.

  6. trista_jade says:

    Ahh, Smudge!!!! I’m so excited to have you back!!!! :D

  7. Inés says:

    oh Alan! we missed you so much!

  8. carly says:

    Yes, he amazingly works all the wrong factors and makes them all right, right, right!

    Glad that Newcastle is back, even if is just for the Smudge reason. At least that was the only thing I could think of when I heard the news. Yes, I'm superficial.

  9. Not to quibble, but that's the Leeds kit he's (not) wearing in the top photo. Leeds isn't even in the Championship, never mind the Premier League. But I get where you're going with this. And I get why you used that photo. :) And yes he's been missed. Along with Nicky Butt, the only two I care about on that team.

  10. FT9FTW says:

    i personally prefer smithy!:D :P the name 'alan' makes me cringe at the thought of the desperate lad that was hitting on me several months ago, ew ugh gross. but yes, welcome back, SMITHY.<3

  11. eidetical says:

    Ahhh, Smudge. I only admitted my love for Manchester United when he moved there (I didn't want people to think I supported Man U for Beckham… and I didn't, honest.) and was devastated when he left. Stil one of my favourite footballers of all time, MORE PLEASE.

  12. Anna says:

    welcome back, smudge!

  13. tammyv says:


  14. Liz says:

    I think the roots look for him is by far THE hottest!!!

    I dont care what he wears its whats underneath that counts :P

    Definately the sexiest footballer, glad we get to see more of him again! xxx