April 6th, 2010
Alan Smith: Breakin’ All The Rules
With promotion to the EPL confirmed this weekend for Newcastle United, we are thrilled to welcome the return to our radar of this man. Yes, it’s Alan ‘Smudger’ Smith, a man whose er… charms are abundant for all to see.
However, upon closer examination, we have noted that Alan has hidden talents too – namely the ability to make even the most horrifying grooming/fashion debacles look not only ok, but darn sexy.
Please, stroll with us and observe the evidence.
The Name ‘Alan’
The only other person foremost in our minds called Alan is comedy character Alan Partridge. And he’s a plonker. Not lovely, like this Alan.
You have to be very special indeed to pull off the bleached hair with dark roots look. We should know. As a natural mouser, we feel that Alan not only rocks the roots but, dare we say it, looks hotter with them.
The Full Beard
I’m a man. I can grow hair all over my face. Yes, well, in the vast majority of cases we were glad when evolution took care of this problem. However, here’s Alan confounding science by wearing ‘The Full Beard’ and still looking gorge. Dammit!
The Faux Hawk
Horrible hair-do popularised by David Beckham. Generally sported by those in full time office employment who still want to appear ‘a bit hard’. You know. Like a punk. While Smudge doesn’t necessarily need the ‘do to confirm the bad lad credentials, we feel he wears it well nonetheless.
The Newcastle Away Kit
Hideous. Roundly mocked. Should clash spectacularly with bleached hair. But doesn’t. Please note. Alan has kindly lifted his shorts to articulate his attractive blond leg hair. Altogether now… mmmmm.
Welcome back, Alan. You were missed.