January 20th, 2008

Alan Smith: Loo Romantic


Apparently the night before the big England v Croatia match last year (you know, the one we’re still bitter, twitching, and bitterly twitching over), the England team were partying with a group of teenage models at Watford’s Grove Hotel. And by partying, we mean having sex in the toilets, followed by a side of text-stalking.

News of the World, the tabloid paper which regularly makes ballers and fact-checkers cry, has copies of horn-dog text messages Newcastle’s Alan Smith sent to a girl, Sophie Bovington-Kerr, whom he met at the hotel.  After the pair hooked up in the bathrooms, she says Alan bombarded her with sex-text messages constantly.  The FA are apparently considering launching an investigation into things.

Question: are the girls who sell stories to the papers about their hot ‘n heavy hook ups in toilet stalls aware that they may come off looking rather slagtastic? Just wondering.

But back to the shenanigans.  Tell-all girl Sophie Bovington-Kerr, take it away:

“It was the night before the biggest game of some of these players’ lives and all they were after was sex with me and my friends…

He’d[Alan] strutted around and gave the impression he could sleep with me just because he’s a footballer. But that night we talked properly and I really liked him… Twenty seconds later he sent me a text saying, ‘Meet me in the toilets in five minutes’ and he left the room.”

Romance is not dead, Kickettes. It’s alive and well and smells of lemon zest air freshener and floor tiles.

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44 Responses to “Alan Smith: Loo Romantic”

  1. Nice, that is a worlds worth of experience. Startups are hard in general…told my buddy that runs an mmorpg communtiy to read this.

  2. Sweet SMS says:

    I think Smith being a smallish player would be ideally suited for a smallish club. Middlesborough for example.

  3. Alan Smith is a great player. Not only he plays very good, but they way he looks..mm.. he’s so delicious.  I must admit that I am a huge fan if him and I have every single photo that was taken of him. I just LOVE HIM!

  4. lemon detox says:

    Hahaha I work at a major chain restauraunt (the largest casual dining restauraunt) and have also worked for most of the other top 10 (think restaurants named after fruit+bugs and days of the week), and haha the lemons are the least you need to worry about. If you go out to eat at a busy restaurant on a friday night, trust me – all health code rules go out the door. I have been in the business almost 20 years and most of the places I have worked would make you never want to eat out again if you saw the kitchen. Cooks who never wash their hands or change the one pair of gloves they wear all day, grabbing raw chicken then putting that same gloved hand into the bin of french fries. Garbage all over the floor and counters, just a total disgusting mess in general. Now when you go out to eat at 3pm on a wednesday afternoon your odds of a clean meal are a little better, but when the pressures on, the business is boomin – the managers are so worried about trying to get the food out quickly that for the most part sanitation is non existant. Next time you think you have the ‘flu” think to yourself, “did I eat out last night?“. Good chance its mild food poisoning if you did!Regards, Richardson
    lemon detox diet

  5. Ada says:

    I enjoy football but a lot of people give it a bad name these days because of people like this guy who abuse the fame they have gained. I had a clip of him playing on my video ipod battery but deleted it now after reading this. I wish footballers would be more

  6. Jessica says:

    ha! i know her. she was a bully at school and she’s graduated to a slut. what a proud mother she must have

  7. Jo M says:

    I’m choosing not to believe this because I like to think of Alan Smith as a sweet northern boy.

    And she looks like a horses arse.

  8. orangina says:

    To the person who knows Sophie do you know if it is true or not? I’ve known Alan for eight years through mutual friends at Leeds United and my gut feeling (usually right)is he was totally and utterly stitched up, he was very low and unhappy at the time of that going off, I can say hand on heart strike me down if I’m a liar that it would be TOTALLY UTTERLY out of character if Alan really did do all that with that girl. Too often he gets a bad name in the press but anyone who has got to know him will know that I’m not talking rubbish

  9. lollygirl says:

    surprised totally slag-tastic – spot on description, kickette! Why would you let yourself be ‘rammed’ in a hotel bog? No matter how big someone’s willy or his bank balance, do you not think you are at least worth a mattress????

  10. Charlotte x says:

    I’d Be Quite Happy If Alan Smith Sent Me A Text Telling Me To Meet Him In The Toilet.. But That Might Just Be Because I Love Him smile!
    Only When Hes Not Bald Thooo Haha x

  11. C says:

    Sorry here is that in English again:

    I actually know Sophie and her now EX boyfriend

  12. c says:

    I actually know Sophie and he now EX boyfriend… be sure there will more than likely be a follow up story by here boyfriend.

  13. Rusty says:

    Sarah, I will DEFINITELY not drink Yorkshire tea while reclining on a cream-colored L-shaped sofa <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/wink.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />

    But continuing Tammy’s thoughts, he deserves to lose the captaincy, though not for the reasons she thinks: he deserves it because HE sucks, not because other people allegedly do. I don’t think Michael Owen deserves it in the least, though. He never plays.

    And why in the hell would someone wear sweaty workout clothing in a bar?!!

    For many reasons, I think the story is fake.

  14. brandy says:

    “[Alan] strutted around and gave the impression he could sleep with me just because he's a footballer…“

    Honey, you DID “sleep” with him. I mean, let him ram you in the toilets. 

    “But that night we talked properly and I really liked him

  15. Cate says:

    tammyv-OMG! You’re so right! Hahahahaha…

  16. Rusty says:

    tammy, that’s the stuff he got sprayed on his head when he got cut there a few months ago.

    Wasn’t he not even on the bench for the Croatia game?! This event has nothing to do with how crappy England played. The article made me laugh my ass off.

    As there’s no way I’m ever planning to get in bed with the guy (and I *like* him,) I care about as much about this story as I do about the latest story about Mr. Ronaldo – not very much.

    And since I just bought a box of Yorkshire tea, I shouldn’t get an L-shaped sofa for my next apartment lest the Smudge randomly show up one evening…and I soo don’t get your reference, Sarah, but I’m heeding what I see as a warning.

  17. Robin says:

    Ok so I actually read the article. She says he pushed her back into the loo when she was coming out. I would have left him there with his shorts around his ankles.

  18. carly says:

    Sundays are starting to get really boring; every single week there’s a completely identical story with a naughty footballer and even naughtier and “stupider” girl…

    Give us a break!
    I bet they have lists of the Premiership footballers that they tick when they’ve badmouthed them in one of these stories. Of course, some players have a lot of ticks lol

  19. Robin says:

    Well here’s the thing. He’s a skank. Anyone who invites you to meet him in the loo for a few minutes of fun and pleasure is a total skeeze BUT it’s totally up to you whether or not you’re going to join him isn’t it? So she’s as bad as he is – she didn’t have to go. By selling the story to a tabloid and making a few pounds doing so, can’t you just imagine how proud her family must be? And what a great reputation she must have in her home town? She’s done herself more damage than by ever being stupid enough to respond to his text message in the first place. Hard lesson to learn at 18 but there it is.

  20. Sarah x says:


    Read It For Yourself Rusty <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/raspberry.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="raspberry" style="border:0;" />
    And Stay Away From Cream L-Shaped Sofa’s <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/smile.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />

  21. charlotte says:

    Call him what you will but she is just as bad as him for selling the story. i think she has made up the majority of the story especially the part about him practically stalking her with texts. most people are just calling him because of his footballer sterotype, which i think is unfair, but no one forced her to do what she did to him.

  22. lOttiE x says:

    omg!! my m8 knws that girl n apparently she isnt dat pretty either!

  23. tammyv says:

    Cherry, the media was quick at the time to point out that Lamps left early and sober… Elen has him on such a short leash that he will not be able to do anything, probably eve

  24. Johnna says:

    Again, News of the world… a story coming out about 2 months later than it would have had it been real, another slagtastic (nice word Kickette) girl coming forward for her 15 minutes of fame.

    I am a feminist, but I have no respect for girls like these. I have no doubt in my mind that the story is fake, but even if it weren’t, she’s the whore that shagged a footballer in a public bathroom. No one “forced” her to; she saw the opportunity for what it was, a chance to shag a famous person and get her face in the limelight. She’s a disgrace to women everywhere.

  25. J says:

    okai.. the story is.. well.. predictable with footi players.. but watsup with smith’s head???

  26. Nora says:

    Everybody has embarrassing one night stands in their personal history. But to stalk those weeks after the event, even on Xmas, it’s just so sad! You have to be really miserable, lonely and haunted by a low self-esteem. Just get a life, man!

  27. Cherry says:

    It makes me happy that Smudger lives up to his reputation. I do hope some of the others, (Stevie, Crouch) were well behaved. Feel sure that JT and Lampard did not.

  28. dario says:

    i mean england not englend al so what they are loosers.croatia will beat they again.it would be 5-0 for croatia

  29. dario says:

    englend sucks.they are loosers and they would forever be a loosers.go croatia

  30. Nina says:

    Io, I agree… I mean, besides the fact that it

  31. rania says:

    So she didn’t even wait for him to shower after training?!

  32. c9 says:

    Seeing that I don’t care for Mr. Smith anyway, this article made me LMAO <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/lol.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="LOL" style="border:0;" />  Oh, yeah and great pic Kickette, that really fit the article!

  33. Io says:

    This girl is a joke. She’s just looking for her 15 minutes of fame by tarnishing someone’s public persona. And whether it’s true or not, she’s ultimately the one responsible for her own actions no one forced her to do anything. And no one asked her to sell her story to a tabloid.

    Sad part is she’s probably proud of her loo romance and that’s why she felt the need to tell the world.

  34. cheryl bites says:

    *Stunned* Oh, wow. You’re right, Fourthy, she’s tiny. Would you pull this lass a pint, much less shag her in a toilet?

  35. Gigi says:

    On the one hand, I applaud her for not falling prey to the ever increasing breast size competition that every girl seems to think that they need to compete in, in order to bag a baller.  On the other hand, no sympathy given, nor deserved, because she mucked up her knees, and other parts by blowing Alan, or anyone for that matter, in the loo.  One word to describe poor, Miss Sophie, and it rhymes with door.

  36. tammyv says:

    BTW, Kickette could you have found a more distrubing pic of him???

    What the hell is that creamy stuff on the side of his head?  Have I seen “There’s Something About Mary?“ one too many times?

  37. tammyv says:

    Wow.. you know this makes me a proud member of the Toon Army today.  Smudge IS my captain, he is also a cheap and sleezy slut who clearly has some serious need to have his ass kicked 7 ways til Sunday. 

    OMG, Joey Barton finally might be good for something for us. He does like to beatdown his teammates.

    Hey Keegs by the way, could you please give the armband to Shay?  K, THX!

    4th I don’t think anyone, thinks that what he did was ok, granted it was consentual and that is important to remember.  She also contacted NOTW and sold her story…

  38. freddiegirl says:

    Ok, I read the whole article…it isn’t funny; it just made me sad..:(
    I’m so glad I don’t read stories like this about my two favs, Freddie and Torres.  Or the Arsenal squad…and if there are stories floating around about them please don’t tell me!

  39. freddiegirl says:

    I actually find this kinda funny….:L:L:L
    I feel bad for the girl but….hopefully she learned a lesson.
    Cate, I agree…England weren’t good enough…end of.

  40. Cate says:

    Fourth, while I don’t agree with your assesment this time, I do applaud your feminist approach to the matter. *nods*

    This is probably bull-sh*t, but at this point I don’t really care. This is just the English media trying to blame the players’ actions for England’s poor form, and ignoring the fact that England just weren’t good enough. We all knew England wasn’t making it to Euro 2008, even before Croatia. What needs to happen is for England to pull its head out of its ass and shape up and play proper, not this finger-pointing at players who didn’t even make the bench.

    F*cking childish.

  41. The Fourth Official says:

    I admit it – I clicked on the “Sexy Pics” link in the NOTW story.  What you see is an awkward, nervous looking 18 year old baby girl, dressed in cheap knickers, desperate to seem like a woman.  She was used (why do most of these stories culminate in the man receiving oral gratification from the woman, while she receives nothing in return?) by a man who is a bigger whore than she could ever be.  She says in the article that she wasn’t “comfortable” blowing AS in the toilets.  Yes, Sophie, life is rarely comfortable if it’s spent kneeling on the tiles servicing overpaid, horny boys with a miniscule sense of honour and a gigantic sense of entitlement.

  42. Becca x says:

    Yeah.. If You Call A Quickie In The Toilets Romatic… Hes Your Man <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/wink.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />

  43. lyla22 says:

    hah, why can’t every boy be a romantic like him <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/tongue_wink.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="tongue wink" style="border:0;" />

  44. Sarah x says:

    Wouldnt You Just Love To Know If All Of These Stories Are True,
    So Many About Alan And His ‘L-Shaped Sofa’ and ‘Yorkshire Tea’ And His ‘Barge Pole’ Lmao
    They Make Good Reading Though <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/smile.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />