February 28th, 2011

Ashley Cole: Enough With The ‘Larking About’

Image: IAN KINGTON/AFP/Getty Images.

By now, 99% of you are probably well aware of Ashley Cole’s recent intern-shooting-with-a-rifle shenanigans, which is a helluva lot more aggressive than the liquid peer pressure we strongly encourage our rowdy bunch to partake in.

For the questionable 1%, however, the story goes like this: football’s answer to Charlie Sheen was ‘larking about’ Chelsea’s dressing room with his .22 air gun last Sunday before accidentally shooting a work placement kid from just 5 feet away.

End scene…for us anyway.

Rather than bore the heebeejeebies out of our mentally capable readers – or head down the usual ‘gee, that excuse fail sounds familiar, don’t it?’ beaten path – we’ve decided to redirect our attention to our own interns. While 21-year-old Tom may not be jumping at the chance to recommend his current employers to future potential minions (or maybe he is?), the magnificent management here at Kickette have high hopes for our own yearly observations.

The only way to know that we’d receive the top marks we often generously give ourselves, we polled the staff at our headquarters to see what they had to say about Kickette’s unpaid labour exchange (two were unavailable for comment because of a sticky Gummy Worm something or other, but with participation records breaking by the day, we’ve already gave ourselves a positive progress back pat). Here’s what they had to say:

“Shooting the interns? We interns at Kickette DREAM of the day. Our lives consist of being chained to desks in the basement, churning out copy about ‘ballers and – if you guys are in a really good mood – you might throw a bucket of champagne over us.” – K2

She’s kidding about the indecent working conditions, but serious about champagne showers.

Another mocked us some more, by adding:

“I got poked in the backside for spelling Cannavaro wrong once. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I was then forced to stare at photos of Ronaldinho in his underpants for long periods of time while wearing off-the-rack garments. I still have nightmares.” – M

So, all is apparently not well ’round our parts in seems. Perhaps we need to work on that employee recognition program we’ve been postponing for some time. Oops.

In any event, *by no means do we advocate violence* or repetitive reporting. We have no qualms with questioning Ashley Cole’s current episode of stupidity, though, and were wondering if you’d tell us your thoughts on either topic when you have a mo?!

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29 Responses to “Ashley Cole: Enough With The ‘Larking About’”

  1. Femz17 says:

    Ashley Cole you complete loser! Leave. Now! And take John Teryy with you. You make the team look stooopid.

  2. athenarena says:

    Seriously? Seriously?! You do not bring any form of a gun to work if you are sane and decent. If you do, there are a few screws missing upstairs. Somebody is hurt now, an intern who is only 21. Also and this is the scariest t if that bullet had his that poor intern's chest right where his heart beats at the wrong timing, the boy would be dead from disrupting the beat.
    Cole has always done my head in especially with his attitude. You are supposed to set an example as a role model for young kids. All you are teaching them is to cheat on their partners, be a danger to society and to be disrespectful to others. Cole grow up, get therapy, mature. You are 30, not 10. This behaviour is inexcusable.
    Chelsea also needs to punish him to send out a message that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable.

  3. suzie says:

    LMAO "footballs answer to Charlie Sheen" has to be one of your best Kickette, all joking aside I hope the kid that was shot is ok. My opinion of Cashley was already so low I thought it couldn't go any lower but no, he's somehow managed to make me thing even less of him.F*cking idiot.

  4. Rainbow says:

    I can definatley see why Torres wanted to move to this superior, more mature and better team.

    • suzie says:

      I think we need to get him a bullet proof vest for his birthday!!

      • Crackers says:

        I was annoyed at him for leaving, but I bet no Kickette, Red or Blue, would wish a gun-wielding teammate on Nando!

        (bulletproof vest sounds like a v. good idea now, though)

  5. Leya_S says:

    I don't often hate anyone but…
    I seriously cannot STAND Ashley Cole! His perpetual asshattery makes me wonder if he has a mother at all, and if so, what must she think?

  6. rubyqueen says:

    unbelevable how on earth can you walk into a training ground with a gun.??what was the security thinking.!!!

  7. Ana;) says:

    He’s an absolute idiot. Poor kid.
    What more can I say?
    …..Once a gunner, always a gunner!! Jk

  8. Soon2beWifeOfNAsri says:

    He's an idiot. Passed behaviour is always a good indication of future behaviour and again he has proved himself a complete idiot, but I am sure as usual being a footballer he will be above the law. This was no "accident". The football training ground is no place for a firearm. Anyone handeling a firearm is responsible for ensuring that it is not loaded before "larking around" with it. This is a clear case of reckless endangerment. The boy could easily have come off worse eg blinded.

    Memo to Ashley, we all know you're a jerk, you can stop proving it now!

    • Raincitygirl says:

      I was kind of sympathetic for a few moments, because my brother did something equally idiotic with a BB gun once. But then I remembered my brother was TEN YEARS OLD when he did it, and Ashley's got to be pushing thirty. My mum grounded my brother for a month for his BB gun stunt. What the heck equivalent punishment can you give to a thirty year old who ought to know better?

      Cole is damn lucky the kid wasn't hurt any worse. I know it's only an air rifle and not a "real" firearm, but if it's real enough to injure somebody, you don't bring it to the office and start waving it around without first checking to make absolutely sure it's not loaded. As you say, the kid could have been blinded, or the pellet could have hit him in the neck or something and he could have been in real trouble medically.

      Can't Chelsea force Cole to go to therapy or something? I mean, he's a great footballer on the pitch, but his whole entire life off the pitch is a disaster. The man is in dire need of better coping skills, before he accidentally kills someone.

      • Soon2beWifeOfNAsri says:

        Your brother was a youngin not really aware of the potential of what could happen butt this is a 30 year old man who took a loaded gun to a crowded place and discharged it, I cant think what was going through his mind. Also isn't there like a safety cap on these air rifles? so that meant that he took the safety cap off, so it wasn't a accident! Anywayz its the fact that this guy keeps doing something stupid its like he likes to be a DOUCHE!

        • Raincitygirl says:

          I've never handled an air rifle so I'll have to take your word for it about hte safety cap. And we're definitely in agreement on the douche part.

  9. C16 says:

    Oooohhh Ca$hl€y… You're a douche. I guess you just can't help yourself.
    That poor intern.

  10. Kid Gooner says:

    He's a "Total Douche" as we say in the States. If this happened in the NFL or NBA, I guarantee he'd be in jail at this very moment. Sad really. Hope the lad is okay. BTW, I agree with Elisa, Cheers to Chezza!!!

  11. Lashes says:

    One of my friends have a theory about the shooting (he's a chelsea fan, poor thing):
    The intern went to Cobham in a ManU shirt!!
    He can't explain why he had an air gun in the first place going to practice, only the reason for the shot.

    No matter what Cole is a twat, and I hope he's going to prison!

  12. Elisa says:

    Somewhere, Cheryl Cole is laughing her behind off. Glad you got out of that mess when you did, honey.

  13. IrishBlue says:

    I am speechless. What an idiot.

  14. Jen says:

    On what planet/alternative universe is it okay for Ashley Cole to even HAVE an airgun, let alone bring it to work with him???? Like most Chelsea men(boys), Cole is disgraceful and overpriveleged.

  15. hereforthenando says:

    If you're trying to discourage us from wanting to become professional Kickettes, it didn't work. I'd still do it, even if I had to stare at pictures of Ronaldinho's dental work all day long. It would be worth it.

    Also, a quick poll:
    When you found out that Ashley Cole shot someone at Cobham, how many times did you say "WTF" to yourself?
    a) once, then I figured "It's Ashley Cole, sounds about right"
    b) about a million times
    c) I'll have to get back to you, I still say that every time I think about it

    I have to go with "c."

    • Maxima Decima says:

      Oh my gosh! I agree with you 100%! Everyday I come here I wonder what it’d like to work for them. It would be a privelage no matter what they thow at us.
      As for your poll:
      first b) but then after a while it turned to a)

    • C16 says:

      LOL I'll go with "a".

    • Leya_S says:

      I also have to go with "a" unfortunately

    • ashmenon says:

      Dunno, still waiting for my eyebrows to come back down from my hairline.

    • Taskeen says:

      Definitely (a). I've come to expect nothing less from Ass Cole

    • gin_in_teacups says:

      It's a combination of a and c. It's like I'm not surprised that he did it but I still can't effin' believe it happened.

  16. Lotte (Zlatanista) says:

    What was an air rifle doing in the dressing room anyway? Perhaps they have misunderstood the meaning of shooting practice?