August 10th, 2011

Baller Bylines: Daniele De Rossi & Mario Balotelli

Images: Getty Images/Daylife

Balotelli: Daniele? Can I have a moment?

De Rossi: My time is precious, homie. What is it?

Balo: Well, as a team elder I hold you in high esteem and have long admired your reputation, both on and off the pitch. I see myself as something of a mercurial lunatic type too, but my behaviour doesn’t seem to be endearing me to the fanbase or my manager. I’m confused.

De Rossi: You’re a fool, child. You can’t just dress like a pillock, collect parking fines and act like an idiot on the pitch and expect people to love you. It takes consistency and commitment. The fans have to genuinely believe you’re insane, not just an immature kid with an over-inflated pay cheque and a selection of crap hats.

Balo: Oh. So I have to wait? I was banking on them falling in love with me sooner, rather than later. It’s getting a bit… awkward.

De Rossi: All I can say is that your spiritual guides have already provided the answer to you, if only you would open your eyes. Look at Socrates. He smoked forty cigarettes a day in his playing career. Eric Cantona? Mad as a bag of spanners. Rino Gattuso? Mentalist. And of course, me. The maddest of them all. What do we all have in common?

Balo: Um…

De Rossi: Facial hair, you cretinous fool! The beard is a vital part of the insanity armoury. It provides warmth, seclusion and a quiet place to hide and make plans. If you want to be taken seriously as a maverick, you must have a beard. It’s Mad Dude 101.

Balo: Oh. Oh really? I get a me beard and people will take my tomfoolery seriously and love me for it? Daniele, you’ve saved my life and I will always be grateful to you. I shall have my people look into purchasing one for me immediately. Hell, I might get a few. I can’t thank you enough for your advice.

Mario jogs off into the difference. Daniele stares after him, uncertain whether his new protégé was serious. Sadly, he was.

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8 Responses to “Baller Bylines: Daniele De Rossi & Mario Balotelli”

  1. Pam says:

    Kickette, more posts about DDR please!!

  2. one tree hill dvd is a good introductory the hills dvd for the beginner.I used to take disney 100 years of magic dvd lessons when I was about 15 years old. Learned golden girls dvd and could play a few the office dvd. I would recommend this the king of queens dvd for any beginner married with children dvd player.

  3. Annie says:

    At last I see something adout Danielle on here !!!! I adore him so so much :@

  4. demosca says:

    I wonder if De Rossi has imparted his knowledge to Zlatan, considering he has his own chin thing going on

  5. Jen says:

    oh, how i love this post! i have such a thing for de rossi, partially because every time i see him i feel like he looks like he needs a hug and someone to talk to. he clearly has some issues that he needs to work out, but i love his passion even if it is often misdirected. if you've seen him cry or with his daughter, you can see he's very sensitive underneath the tough exterior. the aggression is just him lashing out…. or maybe that's just what i've convinced myself cos he's so hot! either way, DDR, call me!

  6. earidurt says:

    LMAOOOOO!!! bwahahahaha. lovin' this. you girls are comic gold.
    p.s. de rossi is hot.

  7. Devilish-x says:

    Kickette you have gotta do more posts like this! Still laughing about the Chico & Howard one from last week.
    Genius writing <3

  8. Sarah, Madrid says:

    This is beyond hilarious, hahahaha facial hair!