July 9th, 2010
‘Baller Bylines: Dimitar Berbatov, Manchester United
Image copyright John/Matt Peters/ www.manutd.com.
Dimitar Berbatov: Seriously? You reckon they’ll put me in?
Darron Gibson: Honestly, mate. All you need to do is flash a bit of thigh and those vodka tramps at Kickette will jump on it. They’re basically caged hormones in heels.
Dimi: Like this? Dimi rolls up his shorts, inadvertently emulating every English football player of the late 1980’s.
Darron: Exactly. Now wait. One of their photographers will be operating in deep cover, probably in that hedge over there. They sometimes hang out by the bins too. What you need to do is start slowly, giving them just a few inches of thigh. They’ll take an interest and start to follow your action. Next session, maybe give them a glimpse of torso. You don’t want to peak too early.
Dimi: Okay, so thigh today, tummy tomorrow, yes? I like this! All the ladies gonna love them some D-Tar!
Darron: Oh, they will! They so will! Sniggers. Dimi looks on, suddenly uncertain.
Dimi: You wouldn’t set me up, would you, D? I’m an innocent, artistic Bulgarian boy made good. This season could be crucial for me. The Manchester United fans are slightly skeptical of my commitment since I used to score for fun at Spurs and now look vaguely confused when approaching the penalty area. I can’t afford any mishaps.
Darron: Honestly, mate. You look bangin’. Tell ‘im, Paul.
Paul Scholes: Bangin, mate. Ahem.