August 3rd, 2011

Baller Bylines: Javier Hernandez & Tim Howard

Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

Javier ‘Cheech’ Hernandez: Tim, you must help me. I know it’s an inappropriate moment but ever since I saw you on Kickette, all naked and manly, I’ve been desperate to speak with you.

Tim Howard: Er… really?

Cheech: Desperate. Those abs, those muscles, that sprinkling of dirty water contrasting with your skin. I have a cut out of it in my bedroom. I talk to it every night before I go to sleep.

Howard: Um…

Cheech: You see, ever since I learned to walk, some four years ago, it’s been my dream to be a proper old school player; a Vinny Jones, a Roy Keane, a Duncan Ferguson. You know, a genuine footballing hard man. But every time they put me on Kickette, they make out like I’m a baby, mocking my bib and diminutive stature. I’m a man and I must be seen as such. Will you teach me? I’ve recently seen Star Wars for the first time and I need a mentor. Or maybe a cuddly Ewok. I’m not sure yet.

Howard: Look, Javier. I’d love to help but I’m a very busy man and you’re not the only footballer dealing with this issue. Only yesterday I had Bojan Krkic on the phone in floods of tears, complaining that they’ve been calling him Baby Bojan again. He hates it. But then, he will provoke them.

Cheech: Well, can you offer me any advice at all? I’m feeling tearful now and I know if I cry, they’ll post pictures of me and say
their lady parts are exploding. I can’t bear it.

Howard: Don’t be under any illusion about Kickette. There’s little you can do if they’ve already placed you in their ‘durrty baby’ drawer. They’re a secretive organisation intent on global domination through the controlled release of footballer flesh. They’re also raging drunks with unlimited access to a cocktail shaker. You can’t beat them.

Cheech: *sniffle*

Howard: (relenting) Look, the best I can offer is this. Suck it up, show patience and willing in training and try to spend more time with Nemanja Vidic. Now run along. I’ve got guy stuff to do.

Cheech nods. Wiping his eyes, which are now full of steely resolve, he walks purposefully towards the touchline where he has a glass of milk, two cookies and curls up in Patrice Evra’s lap for a nap. Bless.

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34 Responses to “Baller Bylines: Javier Hernandez & Tim Howard”

  1. sahil says:

    nice stuff…

  2. footieflu says:

    OMG…… I do these stories all the time…. my head is filled with them……. Thank GOD for Kickette…. I don't feel so crazy after all ;)

  3. camille says:

    EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) ))))

  4. lulu says:

    Award winning stuff.

  5. MissEstonia says:

    Probably one of the more disturbing things I've ever read about my team. Bahahaha! Chicarito in Evra's lap?! Two babyfaces cuddling? Cute overload.

  6. [...] EXPLODING LADYPARTS AT 10 O’CLOCK. Poor Chicharito. He just wants a little respect for his obvious virile qualities. Maybe Tim Howard can help. // Kickette [...]

  7. Tee says:

    love how there's a bottle of wine in the background of the second pic – can he even drink that stuff?

  8. emmaCmorata says:

    Brilliant kickettes! its been a while……….haha. cheech looks sorta like a frnd of mine whose in USA! but any way he does not need to take any lessons from vidic coz i'll pick him over vidic at any moment….love the 2nd pic

  9. BAY says:

    you kill me with your humor. I can't help it. My girlfriend thinks I'm nuts because your witty comments and sly musing's make me want to meet you and be friends with you. I'm a man that proudly tells the world I follow kickette.

  10. Agnes Wonka says:

    Chicharito is cute in so many levels :)

  11. peachtbottle says:

    Hillarious~~~

  12. essjay says:

    I'd love to curl up in Patrice Evra's lap for a nap!! ;)

  13. Leya_S says:

    Who wrote this? It's fantastic!
    Secondly: Chicha does not need to worry, as there are just as many of us in that "Chicharito is HOT" club as there are in the "Chicharito is like my best friend's adorable little brother" club.
    The Bojan Krkic reference made me realize just how much I adore my baby ballers….

  14. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Oh kickette! Can you make this a regular feature, it is too funny that it need to be in more otter :)

  15. eg4 says:

    Howard: Well, son, it's a step in the right direction that this picture of us is getting out there. Those Kickette readers will surely take note that you're not laughably shorter than me and then they might start thinking that you'll be a man someday. Many years from now.

  16. DebS says:

    Kickette this is brilliant!

  17. Catie2838 says:

    Ahahahahaha! Love it, and the pictures are priceless. That bottle of champagne is giving Chicharito a run for his money in the size department.

  18. xbabyshakesx says:

    Gah i miss you Chicharito! and i need to see you naked now!

  19. 77becksxxx says:

    this is too funny ! : ) love it

  20. Sara P says:

    OMG….I love it!!! Well, minus the fact that I am reliving our loss during the Gold Cup…but I will take it in good spirits! :)

  21. Carolina says:

    Chicharito: I forgive you for being such an ass during the Gold Cup trophy ceremony. My Mommy taught me to respect my elders, so I can forgive the fact that you've lost your hearing and didn't realize the ceremony was in English as well as Spanish. Valla con Dios Señor Howard.

  22. Carolina says:

    Chicharito: I forgive you for being such an ass during the Gold Cup trophy ceremony. My Mommy taught me to respect my elders, so I can forgive the fact that you've lost your hearing and didn't realize the ceremony was in English as well as Spanish. Valla con Dios Señor Howard.

    Howard: I'm sorry Javier, I missed what you said.

  23. linvinnaar says:

    If I could write this well in my exams, my teachers would give me As' without thinking twice. You ladies at Kickette are Gold Class!

  24. Jo_ says:

    I'm in tears here. Love it, Kickette!!!

  25. Karyne says:

    LOL….glass of milk with two cookies…….

  26. Trish says:

    I laughed out loud, too. Well done, kickette!

  27. gin_in_teacups says:

    I literally laughed out loud. You might even say I guffawed. "You see, ever since I learned to walk, some four years ago," – LOVE it.

    Oh dear little Chicha, I fear you will always provoke me to think 'aww' rather than 'unf'.

  28. IrishBlue says:

    I'm just imagining him getting 'manly lessons' from Nemanja Vidic but personally I don't think he needs them lol, I'd take Chicha over Tim any day….then again I'd take some Chicha over most other footballers anyway.

    Oh and I LOVE THAT SECOND PICTURE!!

  29. Zahara says:

    hahahahahaha this is the lolest post ever on kickette!
    cant stop laughingg! hahahaaa..
    Cheech: You see, ever since I learned to walk, some four years ago..

    ha, this really had me!

  30. Emily says:

    slow today, eh kickette? jk, I love it, baller bylines always make my day

  31. Fareen says:

    awww somehow thats soo cute…poor Javie and Bojan… :)