April 7th, 2009
Baller Soap Operas: Dani Guiza
Dani Guiza takes a moment to connect with his emotions. His love life is exhausting. Image via PA Wire
So, let’s see, when was the last time we visited our friend Daniel Guiza of Fenerbahce/Spanish NT in the doghouse? Actually, never. Which is a shame, because his personal life is so very worthy of a bulleted Baller Soap Opera list:
- Daniel Guiza was a wild child in his early footballing years. He married, had a son with and divorced his OBM (Original Baby Mama) Rocio Aranda after two years. He eventually partied his ass all the way out of the Spanish second league to up to Getafe.
- Within months, Madrids own Danielle Lloyd, Nuria Bermudez, (she’s dated at least six 1st team players) managed to sink her claws into Dani.
- Known for regularly whipping her shirt off in public forums, Nuria quickly moved to secure the vacant roles of agent, girlfriend and Baby Mama Numero Dos.
- In exchange, Dani promised to make an honest woman out of Nuria if Spain won Euro 08.
- There was no ring.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…
- Back to the old days. After a night of fiestas with Dani and teammates, then pregnant Nuria sadly suffered a miscarriage.
- In December 2007, Nuria and Dani celebrated the birth of a son. No ring here either.
- In 2008, Dani made a switch from Mallorca to Fenerbahce, thanks again to Nuria. The Guiza clan relocated to Turkey; Nuria still sans ring.
- Do we seem a tad obsessive about the lack of ring situ?
- In January 2009, Dani’s mom threatened to cut Nuria’s neck for being a thief. Classy, no?
- Dani’s family continued to hate on Nuria in the press. Dani did nothing but neglect his bubba duties and the two called it kaputs. Details were insignificant as it was apparent Nuria han the Cheryl Cole break-up diet to the extreme – she became anorexic.
- One month later, ex-wife/OBM told Spanish television show Donde estas, corazon? that she and Dani met at the hotel bar the Spanish NT was staying at for the England friendly and ended up fornicating in his hotel room hours before the game.
- Dani fired back with a public “bitch, please” and basically called her a money-grubbing hoochie with snatchy hands that want money. He claimed he rented the hotel room for ex-wife/OBM so that he could see his son.
- Rumors circulated that Guiza’s international career was in trouble since pre-match sex is a big no-no in Del Bosque’s book, natch. However, the Spanish NT coach felt Dani’s beard-growing skills warranted a call-up for this week’s qualifiers.
Nuria maintains a low-pro as of late. We’re sure she’s indulging in some R&R before seeking advice from Claire Merry’s “How to Take Your Significant Other to the Cleaners“ Guide to Separation. We certainly hope so, as there’s not nearly enough drama going on in this situation already.
- No. Wait. Cancel that. Last Saturday, Nuria hit up porn director Nacho Vidal’s birthday party as a special guest of honour.
- She was with Whatsherface, otherwise known as Nereida Gallardo. Believe it, Kickettes!
- Meanwhile, Dani’s newest girlfriend met his family last week. Coincidentally, she shares the same first name as his OBM, Rocio. Are we noticing a pattern here?
- We eagerly await the results of this relationship. And by eagerly, we mean, couldn’t give a shite.
- Here’s new girl Rocio enjoying the spotlight. Her hair is long and needs a trim.
- We need a nap.