April 7th, 2009

Baller Soap Operas: Dani Guiza

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Dani Guiza takes a moment to connect with his emotions. His love life is exhausting.  Image via PA Wire

So, let’s see, when was the last time we visited our friend Daniel Guiza of Fenerbahce/Spanish NT in the doghouse? Actually, never. Which is a shame, because his personal life is so very worthy of a bulleted Baller Soap Opera list:

- Daniel Guiza was a wild child in his early footballing years. He married, had a son with and divorced his OBM (Original Baby Mama) Rocio Aranda after two years. He eventually partied his ass all the way out of the Spanish second league to up to Getafe.

- Within months, Madrids own Danielle Lloyd, Nuria Bermudez, (she’s dated at least six 1st team players) managed to sink her claws into Dani.

- Known for regularly whipping her shirt off in public forums, Nuria quickly moved to secure the vacant roles of agent, girlfriend and Baby Mama Numero Dos.

- Nuria managed to tame Dani.

- In exchange, Dani promised to make an honest woman out of Nuria if Spain won Euro 08.

- As we here at Kickette correctly predicted, Spain prevailed. The reward for being the ultimate ride-or-die wag (see, Toni Terry, Olalla Dominguez): a ginormous ring, surely?

- There was no ring.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

- Back to the old days.  After a night of fiestas with Dani and teammates, then pregnant Nuria sadly suffered a miscarriage

image- Nuria brokers a big money deal to move Dani to Mallorca.  Didn’t cross Dani’s mind to make a big ring celebratory purchase.

- In December 2007, Nuria and Dani celebrated the birth of a son.  No ring here either.

- In 2008, Dani made a switch from Mallorca to Fenerbahce, thanks again to Nuria. The Guiza clan relocated to Turkey; Nuria still sans ring.

- Do we seem a tad obsessive about the lack of ring situ?

- In January 2009, Dani’s mom threatened to cut Nuria’s neck for being a thief. Classy, no? 

- Dani’s family continued to hate on Nuria in the press. Dani did nothing but neglect his bubba duties and the two called it kaputs.  Details were insignificant as it was apparent Nuria han the Cheryl Cole break-up diet to the extreme – she became anorexic.

- One month later, ex-wife/OBM told Spanish television show Donde estas, corazon? that she and Dani met at the hotel bar the Spanish NT was staying at for the England friendly and ended up fornicating in his hotel room hours before the game.

- Dani fired back with a public “bitch, please” and basically called her a money-grubbing hoochie with snatchy hands that want money.  He claimed he rented the hotel room for ex-wife/OBM so that he could see his son.

- Rumors circulated that Guiza’s international career was in trouble since pre-match sex is a big no-no in Del Bosque’s book, natch. However, the Spanish NT coach felt Dani’s beard-growing skills warranted a call-up for this week’s qualifiers. 

Nuria maintains a low-pro as of late. We’re sure she’s indulging in some R&R before seeking advice from Claire Merry’s “How to Take Your Significant Other to the Cleaners“ Guide to Separation. We certainly hope so, as there’s not nearly enough drama going on in this situation already.

image- No. Wait. Cancel that. Last Saturday, Nuria hit up porn director Nacho Vidal’s birthday party as a special guest of honour. 

- She was with Whatsherface, otherwise known as Nereida Gallardo.  Believe it, Kickettes!

- Meanwhile, Dani’s newest girlfriend met his family last week. Coincidentally, she shares the same first name as his OBM, Rocio. Are we noticing a pattern here?

- We eagerly await the results of this relationship. And by eagerly, we mean, couldn’t give a shite.

- Here’s new girl Rocio enjoying the spotlight. Her hair is long and needs a trim.

- We need a nap.

thanks to KD/C!

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27 Responses to “Baller Soap Operas: Dani Guiza”

  1. sahil says:

    he just lost his spot…

  2. Dani.Mrs José says:

    i Third MXA and TammyV.

  3. TammyV says:

    Kickette, my love, I bow down to your awesome snarky, goosip offering brilliance. Of all the people in this post, you are the only one who deserves a supersized sparkly thing for your finger!

  4. TammyV says:

    Kickette, my love, I bow down to your awesome snarky, goosip offering brilliance. Of all the people in this post, you are the only one who deserves a supersized sparkly thing for your finger!

  5. Johnna says:

    Kickette, we need to have a word. How are you going to mention Toni Terry and then not give me a picture of her? That is cruel, cruel, CRUEL.

  6. FootballerChick43 - says:

    Good Jesus. Someone should pick that up as a soap opera.

  7. Josh says:

    As the sands through the hourglass…Sheesh Kickette, how in the heck did you compile all that?

    Spray foam insulation

  8. kesli says:

    That is overboard soap opera. I mean overboard.

  9. kenita says:

    rumours say that the new girl is pregnant too (well, i read that in a Spanish forum….

  10. mrscudicini says:

    Holy Relationship nightmare, Kickette. Man, you really have to wonder, a what point do some of these idiots wake up and go… "Hmm, what mistakes have I made in my past that have led to the soap-opera-esque state my life is in and what, perhaps, shall I do to rectify said situ?"

  11. Genevieve Gourcuff says:

    I love it! Makes everyone else's love life look positively normal in comparison….

  12. aristeia says:

    Lol, my brain hurts now. Holy crap.

  13. one_love=cesc_fabreg says:

    wow… my brain needs to rest a.s.a.p!! =D

  14. boo says:

    your post is acting funny. and reading this was more of a workout than 1hour in the gim! just to keep up with everything..to tiring!

  15. PersephoneDisco says:

    it’s a ballers ultimate telenovela! wow I feel like I should give a cold compress to kickette, that must have taken a lot outta ya.

  16. Cheryl says:

    wow now that’s what i call a messed up love life..

  17. Rebecca says:

    Looks like Whatsherface paid a visit to the hair salon Nando made a commercial for…

  18. Rebecca says:

    Whatsherface and Madrid’s Danielle Lloyd, what a funny/scary combo. Think we can expect some drama from that couple if they end up as BFFs now… Hope they won’t touch any more footballers down there in Spain, and for god sake: don’t let them come to England! AND STAY AWAY FROM IKER! (He’s too classy for those skanks anyway, so I’m not worried. Or am I?)

  19. suzie says:

    I’m speechless. How the hell can he pull ANYONE????!!! Not one of spains finest.

  20. striker says:

    wow.

  21. Baby Freya (Mrs Arbeloa) says:

    And….OMG! Whatsherface has really let herself go to the dogs, she looks bloody awful in that picture. *gags*

  22. Baby Freya (Mrs Arbeloa) says:

    Bloody hell….well, that sure was a hell of a lot of gossip/scandal in one post Kickette! I’m impressed! As far as Guiza is concerned, I don’t rate him either as a player or a person but I do feel rather sorry for Nuria: all that work and NO ring! However, being besties with Whatsherface is not the right way to go about sticking the ‘V’s at him. Mneh…anyway, more ballers, less WAGs :)

  23. lose that girl says:

    Oh. My. I think that I need a lie down after reading all that drama. I’m exhausted. Well done, Ms. Kickette!

    lose that girl blog

  24. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    Ditto TammyV. Kickette you’re awesome.

  25. lose that girl says:

    Oh. My. I think that I need a lie down after reading all that drama. I’m exhausted. Well done, Ms. Kickette!

    lose that girl blog

  26. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    Ditto TammyV. Kickette you’re awesome.