November 16th, 2011

‘Ballers & Books: Fernando Torres

Clear the bookshelves, Zlatan and Pepe (and others), Chelsea’s Fernando Torres has (another?) literary masterpiece of his own coming out (again?): ‘Fernando Torres: Number 9′.

Let us put aside the stupid non-highlighted-because-I’m-growing-out-my-roots look Fernando is trying to bring back into favour and talk about the levels of hotness that were sizing us up (yeah right) at today’s autobiography presentation in Madrid.

It’s as if the further his career slips into speculation, his PR peeps jack up the life-size poster sizzle quotient by 50%. The symmetrical stare used in combo with the hair and freckles in that foreground pic? It’s the culmination of our life’s work. It is the reason we were put on this earth. And it is good. If we weren’t unilingual and proud, we would be taking nightly Spanglish classes just so we could say ‘Dios Que Hombre!‘ whilst fanning ourselves, looking heavenward at our bedroom ceilings and squealing like a bunch of idiotettes.

In other words: why by the cow when the product shill milk is fat-free?

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72 Responses to “‘Ballers & Books: Fernando Torres”

  1. tim finian says:

    Not too long ago, Chelsea hot-shot, Fernando Torres,
    launched an autobiography of himself, simply titled
    "Fernando Torres: Number 9". In certain customs
    and traditions, the numerical '9' is often associated
    with men who are effeminate, sissy or simply gay.
    Perhaps Torres is all of the above or more which
    explains his lackluster performance on the field.

    Having rendered sterling performances in the
    red-shirt with Liverpool, the man looks like
    he jumped ship solely for the lure of megabucks
    and nothing else.

    To further expound matters, Coach Andre Villas Boas (AVB),
    on the other hand, appears to be 'smitten' by this
    misfiring Spaniard to the extent of shielding him
    from a barrage of criticisms despite his 'super-dud'
    performances. In fact, Torres looks a wee bit
    inhibited when playing for Chelsea.

    Perhaps sheer egoism has got the better of AVB
    to the point that he prefers to remain in denial
    of Torres' under-par performances rather than admit
    that Liverpool did (albeit unconsciously) a major
    number on him, the team and the owner. On the
    other hand, he (AVB) has exhibited
    his brash judgement by giving a better performer,
    Nicholas Anelka an unceremonious boot.

    Apparently, favoritism appears to have reared it's
    ugly head in the Blues camp which simply smacks off
    professionalism in the face of AVB.

    Chelsea owner, Roman Abramovich, who's footballing-
    sense is as far-removed as Hulk Hogan from ballet,
    appears to be enamored to his upstart Portuguese
    coach to the point of failing to see the folly of
    his choice of coach.

    It's about time the Chelsea owner gave his
    non-performing manager a hard kick in his
    egoistic behind, sending him on a one-way
    ticket to Lisbon lest he (Roman) see further
    deterioration in the gilded fortunes of the Blues.


    • MrsFernando says:

      Nice One! Your inventive. Just cut the guys some slack. Your probably a pissed off Liverpool supporter, who's gutted with the fact you've been left with Suarez (Racist), and Carrol (Drug Addicted& Shite). Fact is mate, he went to a better team, look what he's won; FA CUp and Champions League, which he helped to maintain in both. Fact is, he was a hero at Anfield, and still is: look at your position now, just made 7th. Liverpool came second in Fernando 2nd season. Maybe iuf you cut the guys some slack, if the chance came, i know everyone as well as himself, would welcome his return to Liverpool, but because your all mugs, I hope for Torres's sake, that isn't likely!

  2. renee says:

    love him!!!!!!!!!!!!! love the book cover!!!!! cant wait to buy the book!!!!

  3. [...] fear that all of these book-related events are going to make us do something crazy, so we present you this last one before drinking away the [...]

  4. def says:

    3 Bitchfaces in a picture

  5. Zoraida says:

    wow just………… wow

  6. indianmuggle says:

    I would buy it just for the cover photo..

  7. Anakaren says:

    does anybody know where i can purchase the book in the U.S.???

  8. liz says:

    oh his hair is just dreadful. he needs to cut it so it looks exactly like it does in well, that poster. damn, thats one hot poster

  9. Lauren says:

    Hey Nando dear, see how sexy you are on the cover? Yeah, how bout we go back to that. Brown hair is best on you!

  10. DrStrangelove says:

    Three words: guy next door.

    • Kat22 says:

      I think that is very true.

      Add to that the fact that he has been with the same woman since childhood who (not being mean or anything) is no beauty and it makes him even more likeable.

      • maya says:

        why is she no beauty? just because she is not a supermodel, or hasn't stripped down for some magazine or doesn't wear a pound of make up going to the store, or doesn't look like she just stepped out of a scene of a porn film? she may not be photogenic, but she is gorgeous when she's posing.

  11. Sarah, Madrid says:

    If there is a chapter called, Sergio Ramos my only love describing his best friend relation with him, how they combo each other hair in the nt team, how he is the reason why he is still called for NT, how distances didn't separate him, or even bitter rivalries! Unless this chapter exist, not that interested in his bio! :p

    As for the hair, I actually think freckles is what make niño, hair add to it only! As long it is there, he looks the same for me!

  12. Carolina says:

    Where can I buy it? I need to read more en Castellano :) .

  13. Poor Freckles. He can have form, or good hair, but somehow never both.

    The Blossom Shed Beauty Blog

  14. Zahara says:

    he is still smoking hot, whatever he does

  15. LuvinBale says:

    AY DIOS MIO!!! That man is gorgeous!!

    I want that poster made into wall paper and put all arond my house so no matter what room I am in he is staring at me all sexy and dangerous looking!!! His body might say Im shy but his eyes say he needs/ wants me!!

  16. mina says:

    I love this man. No matter what. I hope we can buy his new book in english soon. Btw. love his blonde hair, but it should be a little bit shorter maybe. His face – beauty!

  17. savannah says:


  18. [...] ‘Ballers & Books: Fernando Torres ( [...]

  19. [...] ‘Ballers & Books: Fernando Torres ( [...]

  20. lola says:

    i just love him.

  21. Mar210 says:

    With Nando looking at me that way, how could I resist reading his book cover to cover? He can make any girl want to learn Spanish just so I can whisper my secret fantasies to him in his native tongue.

  22. FootyGirl says:

    Another book? I’ll just be grateful if it doesn’t contain as much sucking up as the last one did.

  23. Marina_Isabella says:

    if it isn't a picture book with just a few letters or spare words thrown in, then I'm not buying…

  24. earidurt says:

    i'm not trying to be mean or belligerent or anything but could someone please explain to me what is this guy's appeal? what is it about him that drives y'all so crazy? i truly want to know bcuz i don't see it… all.

    • xoWinnie says:

      i used to see it in short-haired Nando,
      back in the day when he lived up to hit baby-faced nickname, El Niño.
      now…not so much. i don't like the bleached blond hair. it ages him.

    • Marika says:

      I am curious too. He does not do nothing for me either. But hey, some like some don`t and I am fine with that.

      • Kat22 says:

        I don't know why people are giving you the thumbs-down. Everyone has different tastes, and thank God we do! Can you imagine if we all liked the same in life? Some sad people on here. No doubt I'll be getting thumbed down for this now, lol.

    • April says:

      Hmm. May not be the same for everyone, and I certainly didnt start liking him with his blonde hair, so that makes a difference (I started digging on him when he got his hair cut for the world cup). I would say the following:
      1) His butt!!!! I love a good ass and he really just has the best as far as I am concerned.
      2) His face; bone structure of his cheeks and his mostly perfect nose.. a profile shot of him is just hot… oh, and the freckles and his eyes.
      3) I happen to like his body type… tallish, has a longer torso, good muscle/fat ratio (I don't actually care for guys that look like they pump iron for a living)… he looks like a realistic guy that happens to be fit without trying too hard, and I find that to be a major plus.

      I think that does it for the looks stuff, mostly. Add to that some less superficial things about how normal and genuine he seems to be, and all that stuff, and he seems a pretty nice package.

  25. Jen says:

    I had to stop reading his L'pool book when he left(couldn't face it, was heartbroken). But I am definitely in favor of this cover photo!!

    • April says:

      Sooo.. doing my best Google Translate reading of his website's release on the book, apparently it is mostly a Spanish version of the previous book (so you might not be missing much), but with additional chapters covering the goings-on since (he does discuss the transfer from his perspective, but admits it was hard to write that part) and there are more photos from the family album and stuff.

      It does seem they were more careful about the branding on the book, this go round. Chelsea supplied photos from their stock (I believe the cover shot is from one of their photoshoots, but I could be wrong) and may get a cut on the sales, but it does look like they learned their lesson from the last book and how they rendered that book almost useless for sales and enjoyment going forward.

  26. MissA says:

    Torres looks good with long hair. seriously. SEXY.
    just in that pic his haircut looks awful.

  27. MH from NH says:

    not as good as the red book. mm hmm.

  28. DrStrangelove says:

    Are you kidding me? A bollock on a stick would look less menacing than that publicity/cover shot; he looks like an escaped prisoner from Broadmoor. The real thing is much more preferable. Truly, Mr (I'd like to feed you) strawberries and cream. ♥

    *goes off to listen to 'Fernando' by Abba*

  29. April says:

    Oh god… even with that hair, look at him up there.. I would totally hit that. No questions asked. I might even play with his bad hair while I do it. And there lies the difference between him and Cescy, for me. Cesc was on my hot Spaniard list, but his hair easily moves him up or down that. Fernando, even with bad hair, firmly holds to the top. Maybe now though, that he isn't doing as swell, he'll opt to cut it… not so lucky after all. And he doesn't even let his curls show- crime!

    This does bring up good questions though, like "why release a book now, when things aren't all that lovely?" Or "what is it like standing next to a giant blown up image of yourself?" And "what more can he put in a book that he hasn't already… unless of course the other book was mostly L'pool stuff (seeing as the branding of it was)?" And my final question… "how sad does it make me that I would purchase this book despite my limited knowledge of the language, and I would pretend it is with the intention of learning Spanish?"

  30. rachelle says:

    oh dear. that hair is fast becoming a situation… HOWEVER IM SO IN LOVE with the cover photo…prominent freckles, sexy bed hair, those chocolatey eyes…even the attempt at 'look-im-a-big-boy-with-my-almost-moustache' :D :D yup, you still got me bad, Nando <3

  31. Americus Killaponius says:

    I'm telling you, this was Cescy's hair-spiration! STOP. This does not look good. In both cases, they've had better hairstyles but they CHOOSE to be like this, that's the worst part. They are fully aware that there are other options.

  32. IrishBlue says:

    Ah look at the pout! From Torres to Cesc I hope this epidemic of bad Spanish hair doesn't spread to other team members….I love Nando, really I do but the hair is baaaaad. I miss the short and sexy brown.

    • Kat22 says:

      Totally agree! He looks sooo good on the cover – no comparison to his current hairstyle (using the term very loosely). It's almost like he's teasing us with that big poster, showing us how gorgeous he was, lol.

      I think there's only very few men that suit long hair – the Ramos definitely being one of them.
      Also I can't imagine David Luiz with short hair. I've tried, but I can't. :-)

  33. Natalie says:

    Are there pictures???

  34. kel says:

    I actually find him more attractive there than I have in ages. I think it's the way he's standing combined with his jacket that cover his womanly hips and tummy. The little smile doesn't hurt either.

  35. Mrs. Q.Borri says:

    Hay Fernando!!! I love the pic on the backround/poster! Way hotter, way sexier!! Go back to dark chocolate, please!!!

    Like it reads 'Dios que hombre!'

    Btw: Where exactly can I get one?? :D (of him of course)