August 4th, 2011

Bayern Munich: Strike A Pose(r)

Bastian has arranged his features into an expression that implies he knows he looks like a buffoon, but is being paid enough by his club not to give a crap. Or maybe he’s just thrilled to be 27 years old. Who knows? Images via fcbayernmunich.de

The use of football players in club catalogue modelling is fraught with danger. They’re not trained, y’see, and no matter how cute/handsome/downright hot a player might be in his natural environment, if he’s not schooled in the ways of the low budget lean, throwing him into a branded cagoule and hoping for the best just isn’t going to cut it.

Still, we’re always optimistic that a player might throw off the clichés and inspire us to buy a tracksuit. Let’s see if Bayern Munich have anything to offer, shall we?

The ‘Track Suit Trollers’

Well, we can only assume that this pose is appealing to a particular demographic, as most of the boys we see hanging about near the bins at our local supermarket dress like this. Admittedly they’re also usually smoking, spitting and mugging pensioners, but clearly this behaviour is innappropriate for a family catalogue and has not been represented.

It’s also unfortunate that Manuel’s trainers have been stolen by another gang, but that’s the perils of gangsta life, yo.

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The ‘Distraction’

What a photographer really wants from a model is improvisation. Mario Gomez has immediately realised that his zip up jumper isn’t the most interesting garment for sale, so employs a clever technique to make it more appealing. Crap hair. Ingenious, no?

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The ‘Prop’

Essentially a variation of a casual lean that includes soft furnishing items. You see what we said there? ‘Soft’ furnishings. Not ‘spiky’, as Holger Badstuber’s delicate posterior positioning might suggest.

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The ‘Ribery’

No.

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Have these players enticed you into a purchase with their wily sales techniques, Kickettes? Thought not.

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27 Responses to “Bayern Munich: Strike A Pose(r)”

  1. Iris says:

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpm8dhfIOB1qjcq… just looking at that pic makes me wonder: can i buy that guy too? ;)

  2. Gem says:

    Bastian is just too cute!

  3. [...] Kickette ] “Bayern Munich: Strike A Pose(r)” — Can you spot the most uncomfortable [...]

  4. Leya_S says:

    This post just reminded me that it's now been just about a little over year since I found out about Kickette (so sad to not have you in my life earlier). I remember this because, if I recall, there was a style off between the Arsenal catalogue and the Bayern Munich catalogue at this time last year, which were both equally as entertaining.

    That being said, Schwini looks fab, why is Manuel Neuer not wearing shoes, and Mario Gomez, I love you, but whaaaaaa? Your hair. No entiendo.

  5. kathrynlouw says:

    Manu and Holger could entice me to buy just about anything! I love them. And Schweini is, of course, the best! Lahm is missing:( And Gomez hair… what can you say about it except HELP!

  6. gillianrosh says:

    Schweini, that SMILE!

  7. xbabyshakesx says:

    Basti looks amazing here!!!
    but i'm missing some Lahm

  8. xoWinnie says:

    SQUEE!
    Schweini and Ducky!!!

    Mario needs to lose the hair if he ever wants me to squeal about him that way again!

  9. Gabrielle says:

    Schweinsteiger Fashion!!

  10. Sirena says:

    I love my Bayern Boys and I love my Herr Gomez, but kickette, this article is pure comedy GOLD :-D Thanks for the laughs!

  11. CAPoet says:

    I <3 Holger

  12. earidurt says:

    LMAO @ the Ribery caption! LOLOL.

  13. Taz says:

    How i loathe those Wenger-esque duvet-like parka jacket things (I'm hoping Bastian loathes them too judging by his "errm? okay hehe" facials). Other than that these pics gave me a few chuckles and more than a few fuzzy feelings for Holger

  14. Stefania says:

    Bastian is so adorable :) And I love his smile!!!

  15. Green 4 says:

    Looking good Mario…….!!!!!!!

  16. Rachael says:

    Franck Ribery actually looks the least ridiculous of them all that quilted jacket Bastien is wearing is so truly awful even he can’t pull it off.

  17. hereforthenando says:

    The release of the Bayern Munich catalogue is a bi-annual event for me. It's always good for a few laughs, and bad for a few shudders (read: any photo of Ribery). I didn't think it was possible for Mario's hair to get worse than it was in the last catalogue, but he clearly took that as a challenge.

  18. Carvivlie says:

    Actually, that's the best I've seen Ribery look in a long while. I'd feel sorry for him –after all he was in an awful accident as a child—but then he cheated on his wife and I lost all sympathy.

    • Monica says:

      What happened when he was a child?

      • Sirena says:

        He was involve in a nasty car accident as a child (hence the scar). I believe he also lost both his parents in the same accident?

        • DebS says:

          I heard about the accident but not his parents. How awful!

        • Love Sergi says:

          http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/footba…

          He didn't lose his parents in the accident. Nobody died actually. I had no idea this even happened to him. It is so unfortunate. I feel bad saying how unattractive he was without knowing he needed hundreds of stitches to fix his face.

          I disagree Carvivlie about losing sympathy for the man. Yes, he cheated on his wife, but I still feel sad for him regardless of what has happened.

  19. Amy says:

    But the "Ribery" has those attractive panels designed to hide pit stains! Who could resist such a thoughtful, laundry-averse gentleman?