June 1st, 2009
…The Continental: Welcome To Boys Week
Well hello there.
I see you’ve caught me standing here and casually leaning against this…thing. I am The Berba.
You might remember me from such places as: under your bed, hiding in your closet with a video camera, or the man in scuba gear waiting for you in your bathtub.
I heard there were many, many gorgeous ladies here at Kickette, so I have come to offer you all a chance to get drunk on the Berbahol. Ha-HA! This is a very special week, you see. When I first arrived here, I used my Berba-charm on the lovely chickadees that usually run this site. But they could not handle my intense Berbosity and made up excuses about me smelling like feet and raccoons before going away to recover from our encounter.
So, we will be having what they call a “Boys Week” – and I call a “Berba Week” — where the men of some of your other favorite football blogs, including my friends from Dirty Tackle, will take over.
There will be a lot of lads passing through to entertain you Kickettes this week, but please, remember that The Berba loves you the most…and, he is the only one willing to express that love by doing bizarre and vaguely erotic things to your ankles.
And with that thought now dancing in your head, I will give you some very special tips on how to attract a famous, sexy, widow’s peaked, and beard-stubbled footballer. Like me. Ha-HA! Let’s begin:
1. Don’t call the police immediately – women I meet often do this and it is very unattractive. Although I am still very willing to spend minutes of pleasure with them after they call the police, the officers are never willing to give me the time do so. Even when I offer to let them watch.
2. Mace is not erotic – although many of my beauties seem to think it is fun to scream and spray this directly into my eyes when I try to kiss their arm pits – which is a secret erogenous zone that only The Berba knows about – it actually hurts quite a bit. But I am starting to develop an immunity.
3. Do not be frightened by Timitar – he is my cousin and he is mostly harmless. Sometimes. Maybe. Either way, Dimitar and Timitar Berbatov do everything together. We also videotape it and watch it back later in our tree house.
4. Be yourself – just relax and be the beautiful Berba-babe that you are. Be very sure you are relaxed enough to not do any of the previous three things, though. I suggest taking roofies to achieve this. If you don’t have any, don’t worry. I do.
5. I thought I told you not to call the police?! – oh-OHHH! The police are coming and I don’t think it’s for one of my special tea parties. Please don’t tell them the secrets I’ve told you here. They can never get out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Timitar and I have to run very fast. But rest assured, we will return! And we will see you naked…
Dimitar Berbatov’s welcome message is brought to you from the always entertaining, always disturbing boys at Dirty Tackle. Want more of The Continental’s point-of-view on life and love? Make sure you check out his take on Kiko Macheda, and… his pinky toe.