April 27th, 2010

Bundesliga ‘Ballers: What Their Scents Say About You

Would you rather have Victoria Beckham’s high profile music/fashion career or Daniela Cannavaro’s suburban life? Do you exfoliate with finely coarse crystals found only in the Dead Sea or with the help of your random hook-up’s stubble? Or, do you just really enjoy high street shopping like the rest of us normal gals?

The journey to true self-knowledge can be tricky. Luckily, all of life’s questions have been answered, thanks to Hugo Boss. Serdar Tasci, Lukas Podolski and Mario Gomez are modeling the brand’s newest colognes – and judging by these shots/poses, we believe an opportunity for answers has presented itself.

Without much explanation, just choose the statement that best describes you, before reading on to get your Kickette personality quiz results:

A) You are attracted to men with big dreams and equally big bank accounts. You pronounce the major name brands incorrectly – Channel, Gucki and Louis Vootin – without respite. You have difficulty computing fractions but can correctly guesstimate how much a car home will cost early Tuesday morning, during peak commuter traffic times. In your free time, you enjoy having a chocatini with a hot guy you just met at the bar. (The same bar you were frequenting with the hopes that a ‘baller would drive by.) You never understand why the counter clerk at Boots affectionately refers to you as “Plan B” girl, but you smile and nod anyway.

B) When you travel, you never leave home without your Hello Kitty journal. You are unrelenting in the pursuit of your life goals, no matter how far out of reach/out of touch with reality they/you are. So much so that whilst growing up,your mother repeated told you how “special” you were. Regardless of your mean streak, you’re also a bit nerdy and would describe your “perfect” Saturday as spending time in the park drawing. Which is weird.

C) You can be soft-spoken in Hello, but your will to sell those damn baby pics is strong. A natural glamour-puss, your life’s motto is “pain is beauty.” Hence, the whole your-tits-don’t-move situ. Your hate losing to your fellow first-teamer’s other halves, which is why you’d be a shoe-in for Survivor: The Underbelly of the WAG World. No matter how many times the public voted you out, your acrylic claws would find you a way back to that £1 million prize. In turn, you’d spend your winnings decorating the walls of your McMansion with “Domestic Goddess At Work” signs. Which you’d chortle at each time you made your way to the private screening room via the glass-encased elevator.

If you answered (A), then you’re a HUGO Man/Serdar Tasci kind of gal: for men who want to “live their life on their terms” via two blackberries chock-full of potential booty-calls, this is the man your father kept sharp knives underneath the table for. They say variety is the spice of life, and no one in your relationship will be satisfied with just one ice cream flavour. He will never make you a fully-fledged WAG, but he will help you score your own perfume deal so you can launch your serial WAG “career.” He will call you a sexual napalm in his memoirs. You will think he said “sexual Nepal” and never understand.

Our advice? Get tested the moment you notice a funny tickle in your throat and have your solicitor draw up a confidentiality clause to prevent your inclusion in his tell-all down the road.

If you answered (B), you’re artistic type best suits Hugo Boss In Motion, White Edition/Lukas Poldolski:The epitome of a reserve player past his prime, he’s the guy who aimlessly wanders around the gym asking guys “how much ya bench”? without ever breaking a sweat himself. With his self-righteous, cocky attitude, he will never admit that the first-team captains’ calf muscles cause him to invest most of his salary in protein pills and Shake Weight private training sessions.

But beneath the wannabe-hot-tempered exterior, he has a secret, awkward passion for Sanrio characters. And when planning a romantic evening in, he accidentally covers the entire marble foyer in candle wax. Which is okay for your hopelessly devoted/hopelessly optimistic heart.

Our advice? Encourage him to retire early and take up TV punditry.

If you answered (C), your ideal smell/man is Hugo Boss Original/Mario Gomez: Your soul mate is tried and 85% true, which is a higher ratio of monogamy than most footballers can claim. Grizzled and experienced, he’s unpretentious, unemotional and stoic. He is great in the sack. We have faux-jealousy over your personality quiz answer.

Our advice? You’re currently in your prime, so milk it for all it’s worth. Sooner or later, you’ll wake up looking like Nancy Dell’Olio.

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16 Responses to “Bundesliga ‘Ballers: What Their Scents Say About You”

  1. Amy says:

    haha, that was awesome

  2. [...] Help selecting the right Bundesliga player endorsed cologne for you. [Kickette] [...]

  3. gwadloup says:

    i rather italians :P

  4. Inés says:

    B- but I don’t like drawing in a park!

  5. SB says:

    A, B AND C please and thank you!!!

  6. Louise says:

    The Spaniards did it better (and in the same clothes, as has been noted elsewhere).

    • Inés says:

      totally agree! *applauses*

    • Yasmin Marisa says:

      Definitely agree! Then again, the spaniards almost always seem to do it better. Also, does this personality quiz apply to the Spanish version too? Or am I being really stupid? I got B by the way.

  7. FootballerChick43 - says:

    I'm totally a B, lol. Gotta love Germans, lol.

  8. Maristela says:

    They chose some appalling looking players, such this boy Tasci.

  9. klyn312 says:

    creepy, Lukas looks too much like my little brother to even continue reading! eek (I'm serious girls… )

  10. MrsNesta says:

    Bundasliga – I love that word :) I'm with senora ramos I'd choose (d), but wouldn't mind being one of their booty calls (they would be a BIG upgrade on the types of calls I get!!!!) I would much prefer Daniela's life to Posh's but that has more to do with who they are married to rather than what they do :)

    • LuvinBale says:

      I whole heartedly agree! Isn't Cannavaro the ballet who had to have his package shrunk in the D&G ads? If that's true no wonder his wife is happy.

      She probably walks around in an orgasmically blissful state. I know I would! Woot-woot!!

      • MrsNesta says:

        Yes! he is the one who had to have his package shrunk (would love to see the originals lol), she is one lucky lady :)

    • Eddi says:

      This posting kocnked my socks off

  11. senora ramos says:

    d – none, but i'll take a & c :)