August 31st, 2011
Carly Cole’s Greatest Hits: A Look Back At Her Wonderfully Wacky Wardrobe
Please be advised that this post is all in good fun. Except for our comments about Carly’s footwear. We take that snark very seriously.
Just as we got to rethinking our admiration for Carly Cole’s storied disinterest in being fashionable, she (and, more importantly, hubby Joe) have gone and done this, leaving any promise of her lovely Liverpool makeover in limbo.
Just joshin’ (do people still use that phrase nowadays?). We know Joey’s move to Lille will most likely be a temporary thing, but it still means we’ll have to go an entire season of footy before we’re reunited with our sometimes styleless muse. And for that, we are severely saddened.
How she ever kept her tousled composure all these years, we’ll never know. But in honour of her departure* to French soil, let’s fondly recall this clotheshorse’s top 5 hits**.
*We can’t confirm if Carly (along with baby Ruby) will really be leaving us for France, but at the same time, we had so much fun compiling this hall of fame/shame that we really don’t care.
**Hits being misses.
Once upon a time, there lived a fit WAG named Miss Zucker who was allergic to doing her hair. At first, all was dandy because both you and we dismissed such dubious coiffing with a snarl.
Little did we know, this was only the beginning. A precursor of what this hair brush rebel had up her sleeve, if you will.
See also: late December of that very same year, at Heathrow airport. Carly was fresh off her I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! reality comp loss and appeared to have illegally smuggled her Amazonian insect room-mates into the country.
Speaking of the olden days, they were much fun, no?
It was with this ensemble that we officially started to worry for the fitness instructor. Did she have some sort of impairment? One that prevented her from making reasonable clothing choices? Was she 7 years too late on the Y2K prep? Honestly, we thought long and hard about this conundrum as we touched up our bi-monthly manicure’s polish.
As for the orthopedics on her toesies, readers’ descriptions ranged from ‘prescription diabetic footwear’ to the kind of shoes ‘you have to wear in a sewage treatment plant so you don’t slip and fall in’.
Simply put, if we had her life, hot bod and wallet that’s bursting at the seams, we would’ve never be caught dead out & about like that.
Which is precisely why we’ve always been in a tangled love affair with Mrs. C’s conscience and closet.
The good: she finally made amends with mousse.
The bad: everything else. And her so-called inner clique. And the fact that she wore this outfit to a London Fashion Week event.
For awhile, Carly’s torso never met a crop top it wasn’t obsessed with.
Sure, having a hard earned six-pack definitely gives you the right to flaunt it every now and then. Bu it also allows you to look good in pretty much any piece of clothing known to man, including the very expensive ones that your husband’s salary allows you to afford.
We were tempted to copy and paste our rationales from #2 and #4, but figured that would be taking the easy way out. With Carly, things are never that easy.
Instead we’ll just leave you to your own thoughts, because there’s no chance of us evah reconsidering our stance on Carly’s ‘shoes’. Just because they’re Fendi doesn’t mean they’re okay.
We wish Carly luck on her French adventure. Rumour has it, their people do some fabulous things with fabrics, so maybe she’ll come back as the next Charlotte Gainsbourg or something.