Out of the infinite number of cute outfits that exist in this world, this ensemble of loveliness came out on top when Victoria Beckham collected her Glamour magazine Woman of The Year Award.
Our thoughts? Put on a bloody pair of trousers you ninny. Or at least something that resembles the lower half of an outfit. Surely this is a combination of random fashion trends that have come together to die a slow, painful and public death in an excruciating 80s meets biker non-chic half Madonna half pantsless cabaret singer way? Fingerless leather driving gloves? Really?
Victoria can’t be entirely held to blame for this fiasco, she was under the guise and stylings of Karl Lagerfeld, who hasn’t eaten anything since 1986 and obviously can’t be trusted.
Or, perhaps Victoria is still recovering after showing up at the MTV Awards on the weekend in a pleather/leather zebra print concoction wearing the same Christian Louboutin shoes as Cameron Diaz. You know that had to hurt, right?
Note Victoria’s particularly vice-like grip on Cameron’s pity fingers in the photos below.
Let us preempt this posting by reiterating our love for the Beckhams and their insane life choices. We don’t just love them, we nub them, okay? But just lighten up on the spin cycle for two ticks, would ya? It’s starting to give us a nervous twitch. Let us sum up in bullets:
-Davd is re-called to the England squad by whats-his-face-craptastic-manager-Mclaren, and does a fabu job on the pitch against Brazil.
-Kickette loses several hours’ sleep thinking about “Vindicated David”.
-Vindicated David must rank higher than Sexy Sneering David or Angry David or Heartbroken David on our list of fantasy moments. The amount of Alpha male testosterone flying around his body combined with the vindication over the recall equals high quality personal expression through one thing and one thing only: hot jungle booty.
Watching this video of David and Victoria Beckham at the Real Madrid v Espanyol game a few weeks ago is inspiration for all of those in marriages of convenience.
Or, marriages that used to be real and now are solely for the purpose of the brand.
Or, marriages that involved two people who were once madly in love, but who bore the living snot out of each other now.
The worst part? Watching this makes us love the Beckhams even more. The warmth radiating between the two is so hot it’s sizzling. And by sizzling, we mean, non-existent.
Victoria, we love the ostentatiousness of rocking a Tiffany blue Chanel jacket over a spandex ensemble of bone hugging leggings and PVC corset belt. We do.
We love that you are actually wearing spandex in public, without a sweatshirt tied around your waist to hide your ass from the general pubic. Very admirable.
The shoes are the hotness. As is the lemon-sized rock on the finger.
But here’s the thing – if your non-hidden ass is so bony you could cut glass with it, the time may have come to eat a carb or two.
We recommend a big bacon butty and some chips. With lots of mayo. And a side of more bacon. And some eggs benedict. A hot chocolate with marshmallows. Etc.
“A lot of the houses I looked at were really garish – lots of gold, all very Versace. Believe it or not David and I do have good taste. I like everything to be simple and plain.”
We’re going to hazard a wild guess that of all people you don’t want to make enemies with, it’s Donatella Versace. She’ll slap the fake tan off you faster than you can say ‘St. Tropez spray’.