'Boys Week' Category

…The Continental: Say Farewell to the Fellas

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Well hello there.

I see you’ve caught me in your bed. I told you I would be back. And I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve already undone my shirt and bow tie. It was a clip-on, but I still managed to untie it. I’ve also undone my pants, and by the way you’re covering your eyes I can tell you’ve already noticed that. Ha-HA! It’s strange, isn’t it?

While we wait for my cousin Timitar Berbatov to set up the hidden cameras, you can watch me stare wistfully into the distance. Gaze upon my widow’s peak. Drink in my hint of a smile reminiscent to that of a stroke victim. And admire my tattoo. It means “passion and mystery are the essence of life”, you know. Ji-Sung Park once said it really means “fart arm life gas” but he is a liar and I choose not to believe him.

I’m afraid I have some bad news. No, it has nothing to do with STDs or small rodents

Finest Five: Man Crush Edition

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We asked all of our boy bloggers to confess their deepest, darkest secret: who is their footballer man crush of the moment? After they were foolish enough to tell us, we sent the answers anonymously to Brooks and Carter at Dirty Tackle for intensive analysis and mocking of the man choices. We’re sweet like that.

1. Fernando Torres

Chosen by:
The Spoiler: “It has to be Fernando “turning Anfield gay since 2007” Torres, although we did also have a vote for Sergio Ramos. Just as long as it’s not El Hadji Diouf – we don’t do the “spittoon position”.

Unprofessional Foul: “Due to the large Liverpool contingent at UF, our not-so-secret man crush is one Fernando Torres.  Oh how we love to sing “Fernando Torres Liverpool’s Number Nine” while watching his blond, curly hair flowing in the breeze.”

Dirty Tackle take: This isn’t even a “man-crush” per say, due to the feminine nature of his facial features. Whoever made this choice is basically cheating, and playing a game of “well if I had to…“ Whoever voted for Torres sings, “You’ll Never Walk Alone” with added purpose. And they mean he’ll never walk alone on a moonlit beach.  Or in a dark alley.  Or in the corner of a bar called “The Toolbox”. Time to move on.

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2. Paolo Maldini

Chosen by:
Who Ate All the Pies: “A classy guy in every way.”

The Offside: “We boys can only hope to look that good when we hit 40. He’s inspired me to start using moisturizer and hair conditioner. And start bathing.”

DT take: This is a pretty justifiable crush – if you’re a granny (grandpa?) chaser. But seriously, this choice shows a value on loyalty in a relationship, can’t knock them for that.

image3. David Beckham

Chosen by:

Soccerlens: “He’s living proof that persistence and opportunism are more important than talent (so much of his success has come through sheer determination and professionalism that it’s easy to overlook the fact that he’s technically quite good).

Beckham is also such an inspiration to all fans whose ball skills are less than stellar.”

DT take:

This is just a flat out, straight up homosexual crush. It’s not masking behind beautiful play like Ronaldo, it’s simply admiration for a very handsome man.

We respect this voter’s forthcoming attitude toward their feelings. Fly your rainbow flag high!

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4. Rino Gattuso

Chosen by:
Dirty Tackle: “The perfect combination of palpable angst and murderous instincts.”

DT take:
Carter – I can reveal that Brooks has quite a few shirtless Gattuso posters in his bedroom that he claims make him look “beastly”. 

Brooks – Not true, they’re images that highlight his passion for the game and admirable ferocity. Plus I had to build an addition onto the house for all of them, so they’re not in my bedroom anymore.

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5. Cristiano Ronaldo

Chosen by:
With Leather: “Well, I wouldn’t call it secret and I definitely wouldn’t call it a crush, but I really admire Cristiano Ronaldo’s shamelessness.  In America, a public figure can’t just go around having hooker orgies without having to make bullshit public apologies and claiming to have found God and whatnot.  So I guess what I’m really saying is that I like England’s acceptance of prostitutes.  Like soccer, it’s one of the few things that the UK does better than the States.“

DT take:
This is a female crush, if anything. How can any self-respecting man have a crush on him? There are a lot of players who can do fancy things on the pitch, but very few look just as fancy off the pitch. Whoever made this pick needs to admit something to themselves: they love hot pants. And if there had to be a threeway, it would include Kiko Macheda, for practical twin purposes.

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(Dishonorable mention): Luka Modric

Chosen by:
Studs Up: “I’m going have to say Luka Modric, because I like my men short, ugly, scrawny and what can only be described as “lesbian-esque”. I’ll also throw Stephen Ireland in there because he got hair plugs and then shaved them off. The man is comedy gold.“

DT take: This is just messed up and terribly creepy. Is it the misshaped teeth that do it for ya? The locks of love atop his dainty little head? Or the glint in his eyes of a little boy who just woke up on Christmas morning and got nothing but tube socks? He’s like a shorter, smaller, better at football (one would imagine), Samantha Ronson.

WAGs We Love: Cheryl Cole and Nives Celzijus

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“Obviously, Cheryl is the high empress of all WAGs, but if we’re to nominate someone who embodies the mixture of shameless social climbing and pure trashtastic-ness, then we choose crazy Croatian Nives Celzijus. The pitch is her sexual canvas. And she has a column in Bild!“

—The gents at The Spoiler, who like their brunettes cheeky and crazy.

Bonus link: Nives falling on her arse on the red carpet.

A Starters Guide To American WAGs

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Ever wondered if there’s a US version of Alex Gerrard or Coleen Rooney? Considering football’s lower profile in the States, the short answer is: there isn’t one. However, open it up to other sports and there’s a whole new world of skanks, skeeves and half-classy ladies to discover. Please welcome the inimitable Matt from With Leather and his excellent, extensive guide to the girls.

WAGs in American sports leagues are a completely different animal than in European football.

The prototypical Euro WAG is a no-name skank who hooks a baller and rides his AmEx and paparazzi photos to fame. Here in the U.S., the news making WAGs tend to have a greater claim to fame before they achieve WAG status – consistent with the American ideal of power couples, but lacking the Cinderella charm of Nereida Gallardo or the young-love aspect of Coleen Rooney.

THE A LIST

imageGisele Bündchen

The richest model in the world; perhaps you’ve heard of her? Gisele began dating New England Patriots quarterback and three-time Super bowl-winner Tom Brady immediately after he split from American C-list actress Bridget Moynahan; not long after, Moynahan announced that she was pregnant with Brady’s child, conceived shortly before they broke up. In February, (after months of rumors), Brady and Bündchen were married in a small ceremony in California (her three dogs wore lace Dolce & Gabbana collars that matched her dress).

Currently rumored to be pregnant, G is often accused by the notoriously loutish New England fans for distracting Brady from his work; she’s been blamed for both the Super Bowl loss that marred the Patriots’ undefeated regular season and Brady’s slow recovery from a season-ending knee injury last fall.

Footy equivalent: We’re (at Kickette) going with Ilary Blasi or Helen Svedin.

imageVanessa Bryant

Perhaps the best example of an American WAG performing like a British one. When Kobe Bryant was 21, he met 17-year-old Vanessa Laine, a high school senior who was working as a background dancer for a music video. The two began dating, and were eventually married without a prenuptial agreement, which may have been part of the reason for the gigantic diamond that appeared on her finger while she stayed by his side after the infamous rape charge (eventually dropped) that Kobe weathered in 2004.

Like a good WAG, she has also made her mark with terrible fashion decisions, most notably her All-Star Game outfit and the inexplicable purple tutu with tights. She really deserves more press than she gets. Can we trade you her for Abbey Clancy?

Footy equivalent: Victoria Beckham. She’s not going anywhere, no matter what her man does, and she’s the head WAG in town.

imageEva Longoria Parker

Moderately famous TV actress who married San Antonio Spurs point guard (and NBA Finals MVP) Tony Parker, seven years her junior. I am 99% certain she married him for the extra camera time that comes from sitting courtside, and I’m even more certain than that that they’ll be divorced before his NBA career is over.

Footy equivalent: Cheryl Cole. Remember how often we’d see her in the stands during her early WAG years?

THE B LIST

imageJessica Simpson

Teenage pop star turned reality show newlywed turned divorcee turned horrible actress turned country singer turned chubby. She’s dating Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, who turns in solid regular seasons but has yet to win a playoff game.

Basically, they’re a lesser version of Bundchen-Brady in every way possible.

Footy equivalent: Abbey Clancy? Claudine Keane? Bah. If only we had a “country singer turned chubby” too.

imageAdriana Lima

How and why in God’s name a Brazilian supermodel (and probably the best-looking woman on the planet) got married to a rat-faced scrub from a crappy NBA team is anyone’s guess.

It’s not even fair to call her a WAG; she’s richer and more famous than Marko Jaric will ever be. Thinking about this makes me suicidal. Next WAG, please.

Footy equivalent: Noemie Lenoir

imageBrooklyn Decker

The 21-year-old Sports Illustrated swimsuit model recently got married to handsome-but-otherwise-unremarkable tennis player Andy Roddick. Roddick was briefly the world’s top-ranked tennis player, and he won his only Grand Slam title, the U.S. Open, back in 2003.

Meanwhile, I dreamt about Brooklyn Decker last night. Like Adriana Lima, she’s the more culturally relevant half of the couple.

Footy equivalent: Tricky one. We’ll go with Olalla Dominguez. She’s there for her man, but you rarely see her out on the circuit.

THE C-LIST AND BEYOND

imageChristy Cooley

Christy was a Redskins cheerleader who got kicked off the squad after she violated team policy by dating tight end Chris Cooley. But she got the last laugh: Cooley married her, and half his paycheck is considerably more than the zero dollars a week most NFL cheerleaders get paid.

She also takes erotic photos with her husband that are displayed prominently in their house, and they’re shopping a reality TV series. I admire that.

Footy equivalent: Nicole Tappenden. The house she shared with Bobby Zamora had a six foot wide canvas of her breasts above the bed.

imageKim Kardashian

The girlfriend of New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush, the much-hyped college star from Southern Cal who has been, at best, a role player in the NFL (you may remember him from a futbol-footbal ad campaign with Becks). Kardashian first started making the tabloids by hanging out with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Then she made a sex tape with singer Brandy Norwood’s brother Ray J. Then she got naked for Playboy.

When getting naked for Playboy is a step up in your life, well… you’ve failed as a human being.

Footy equivalent: every D list WAG on the planet, though Nives Celzijus fits nicely here too.

imageCarmella DeCesare

Former Playboy Playmate of the Year awesomely married to heinously unattractive journeyman quarterback Jeff Garcia. While subtle allegations of homosexuality from Garcia’s former teammate Terrell Owens have never quite escaped Garcia, at the very least he has a beard with a bangin’ body. Carmella has since moved on to semi-clothed modeling, appearing in the 2008 SI Swimuit Issue, but my favorite aspect of her will always be her 2004 assault charge for attacking a woman who supposedly had an affair with Garcia.

Dude, it’s Jeff Garcia. That’s like fighting over a mediocre Carlos Tevez.

Footy equivalent: Nicola McLean

Matt Ufford is, hands down, our biggest Stateside crush. The former main man at boys behaving badly sports site, With Leather, he now heads up Warming Glow, a telly blog well worth checking out. Do pay him a visit/booty call and tell him we said hello.

10 Memorable Moments in Football Fashion

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Please give a warm welcome to one of our favourite chappies, Ollie from Who Ate All the Pies. He’s dropped in to talk football and fashion, and brought along a nice cheese plate and a DVD of Goal 2 as a welcome gift. Enjoy!

Most of the time, we only see footballers in their work clothes, which as every Kickette knows too well, isn’t such a bad thing – who can imagine the emptiness of a world without the Thursday Thigh-Off? We also get the opportunity to see players suited up in post-match interviews, (also known as a competition to see who can emerge from the dressing room with the fattest knot in their tie.)

But the true fashion parade occurs when ‘ballers are off duty. Of course, some players don’t give a poop about what they look like– tracksuit bottoms and flip-flops will do the job. I imagine Phil Neville, for example, is happiest lounging at home in his Everton training gear; he is no fashion model.

However, for every Neville brother, there are five players who think they look the dog’s bollocks and dress accordingly. They may even moonlight as fashion models. These are the ballers that Who Ate All the Pies celebrates here, with a (wholly subjective) list of ten memorable moments when football and fashion collided…

image1. George Best’s Boutique
The fifth Beatle lived up to his nickname. Best dressed like a pop star and was one of the first high-profile players to open his own fashion boutique. He was one of the most fashion-conscious footballers of his era, even if he did admit to opening his boutique because it made it easier to “pull the birds”. And, because he was such a brilliant player, Best made it OK for players to care about looking good off the pitch.

2. Malcolm Allison’s Fedora
If Best was the first truly glamorous player, Big Mal was the first superstar manager – in his mind anyway. Allison’s fedora, often combined with a cigar and a sheepskin coat, became his trademark. More managers should wear hats. Phil Brown in a reversed Kangol cap? I’d pay to see that. READ MORE