'Boys Week' Category

Lazy Links & Randoms

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Pizza/pita/round bread of some kind isn’t the only thing Luca Toni gets out of bed for. He also is perfectly happy to flog sausages too. That sounds a helluva lot dirtier than it actually is.

New Real Madrid signing Kaka has given his son a rather fetching comb over, dontcha think?

Suffering from seasonal withdrawl? The Offside’s Guide to summer football should help. Add a few crates of alcohol and you’ll get through.

Apparently, Sergio Ramos injured his pelvis in training recently. Goddamn man bags claim another victim. His thighs and nethers seem to be still functioning, though – he got a call up for the SNT.

David Beckham is back in Los Angeles giving the expected ‘I love the MLS and want to marry it one day’ interview.

Lucas Neill and West Ham are no more. Wonder where his soul patch will show up next…

Andrei Arshavin in Hello! Russia. Highlights: he loves condensed milk.

WAGs We Love: Louise Redknapp

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“The original and the best – because she’s still more famous than her husband.

Daryl from The Offside makes a rather good point, no?

What Your Favourite Footballer Says About You

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We’ve all got a footy player that makes us smile or swoon. Sometimes, it’s easily explained. Other times, they remain your guilty secret. Regardless, wouldn’t you like to know what your favourite player says about you? Our best boys at The Spoiler give female -and male – readers the benefit of their insightful, snark-filled, but always entertaining analysis. They also have rather smashing hair.

David Villa
As an admirer of a man with a soul patch, you are almost certainly an African American jazz musician from the 1950s. You are Dizzie Gillespie. What’s that? He’s dead? Okay, you probably just like spangly earrings or something.

Nemanja Vidic
You own every episode of Prison Break on DVD – even the fourth series that made absolutely no sense. The only thing you hate more than Lionel Messi’s ability to expose defensive frailties is rainy weather.

Michael Owen
Thanks to some lucrative investment and some luck at the races, you are richer than Thailand. The best year of your life was 1998, and you value a cheeky smile more than a personality.

imageThierry Henry
Although hugely popular among your peers and spectacularly photogenic, people are bewildered by your arrogance and sense of entitlement. Your favourite baby names are generally inspired by hot beverages. 

Cesc Fabregas
As a child, you were put in charge of the house when your parents went away, despite having several older siblings. Since then, your head has grown heavy from wearing the crown, and as result you are a little cagey and petulant. Your preferred form of salutation is spitting.

Michael Ballack
Punctual, efficient and dependable, you are more determined to get what you want than Cristiano Ronaldo in a brothel. You find the fail of others completely unacceptable, and will hound down those who have wronged you with more persistence than, er, Cristiano Ronaldo in a brothel.

Pato
You’re not particularly discerning when selecting a life partner. Either that, or the idea of picturing your fantasy ‘baller jacking it in front of a webcam is a turn on.

imageZlatan Ibrahimovic
You are brilliant at your job, but when the pressure is on and everybody is watching, you fade into the background like a girly-haired wallflower.

Danny Agger
Such is your love for incongruous body art that you spend your weekends hanging around provincial tattoo parlours, encouraging patrons to get the Japanese characters for “Thug Life” in the space between their Celtic knot and Maori tribal symbols.

Djibril Cissé
When others zig, you zag. When a friend buys a Ford Focus, you get a Rolls Royce and airbrush a picture of your kids on the bonnet. When colleagues ask for “the usual” at the hair salon, you request a hybrid of cornrows and a Mohawk in all the colours of the rainbow. Essentially, you’re an ass.

Theo Walcott: Facial Hair Fail

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Check out more pics of the Arsenal boys in their dapper duds at the Charity Ball last week.

Random Musings of Footballers Before They Fall Asleep

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Dirty Tackle bring back everyone’s favourite photo of JT and Lamps from 2007(?) for this one off from their infamous Random Musings series.

John Terry and Frank Lampard

Don’t draw on my face, ok? … What? … I’m about to fall asleep – don’t draw on my face, Lampsy. … I wasn’t going to. … Then why do you have the pen out? … Because…I don’t know. I forgot it was in my hand. … How can you forget there’s a pen in your hand? It’s in your hand. … I don’t know, I just forgot. … Then put it away. … I don’t want to. I like holding it. … See, you’re going to draw on my face. … I’m not going to draw on your face! … Fine. Then I’m going to sleep now. I better not wake up with a drawing on my face. … You can close both your eyes. … You moved the pen! Before you saw my one eye was open you moved the pen! You were going to draw on my face. … There. I put it down. It’s gone. Happy now? No one is going to draw on your face. … I miss Guus already. … Me too…

You likey? How about the DT take on sleepy Zlatan, Carlos and Didier, or John O’Shea and Diego?