Ever wonder what motivates the boys to check in and nosy around on Kickette? Chris from Studs Up gives us an insight into why a man might be interested in our girl talk…
1. The Women
My world view on WAGs and the women that footballers generally attract is shaped by what I see on Kickette, therefore I come here to survey the pulling power of these players around the globe. It reminds me of what could have been had I focused on football as a career, and also been born as an entirely different person.
From what I can tell, footballers all over the world are with women of outstanding class, poise, and beauty. Except in England, where the quality tends to drop rather drastically. Really, really drastically.
2. Testing My Sexuality
I like to test myself weekly by seeing how long I can stare at an Italian footballer playing on the beach in a Speedo without blinking. If it ever goes over 5 seconds, then I know I have some deep soul-searching to do.
3. The Fashion
Despite being rich, famous and some of the most highly visible people in the world, footballers tend to dress like absolute ass-clowns. This delights me.
Ronaldo in shiny silver hot pants? Sergio Ramos out in public with what is clearly a tiny Louis Vuitton handbag? Jamie Carragher dressed like a 15 year old chav but with the face of a 40 year old chav? These are moments that brighten my day.
Okay, I only really told half the story at No. 1. I also come with the quiet hope that Kickette will post a story with boobies, but so far no luck.
5. Becoming A Better Man
Sure, *I* think Ronaldo looks like a terrifying Iberian lesbian, but do women around the world agree? No, no they certainly don’t. How about Torres being akin to a blonde, rat-faced 14 year old? Oops, wrong again.
Such disparities have taught me that reading the comments left on Kickette helps me discover what kind of man I need to be. Apparently, it’s one who’s incredibly close to looking like a women but with loads of muscles. And big thighs.
No wonder lesbians get all the girls.
Not familiar with Chris Toy and his irreverent, sucker-punch style of football satire? You should be – he’s the man in charge at Studs Up, the fantastic piss-take of a comic strip. His sense of humour is seriously out there. Example: when asked about his favourite WAG: “…if I had to pick a single WAG, there’s something about Stephen Ireland’s girlfriend that’s very compelling. I’ve never seen a photo of her but I’ve seen her ridiculous pink car, and Ireland dresses like a clown so I can only imagine how hilarious she looks. I’m envisioning a cross between Krusty the Klown and Rupaul.” We rest our case.