“I love underwear…it’s as simple as that” — David Beckham.

You know those women who can juggle ten things at once?

That’s not us.

Saturday

- David Beckham’s first ever Super Bowl ad, shot seductively in black and white and set to the song “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” by The Animals, is out and is 30 seconds of 360° views of Beckham. He and his design team spent 18 months developing the collection for H&M, and the advert (filmed in Hollywood earlier this year) is slated to air during the second quarter of Super Bowl XLVI.

- The handshake-gate that never was.

- More sad details about Gary Speed’s shocking death were revealed.

Sunday

- Federico Macheda lamented about the pain of having hemorrhoids.

- Steve McClaren and a sign. Just watch.

- One of our readers named Patrick made our weekend after sending us a link to this abtastic gallery of ‘ballers. Our fave is Nélson Marcos, who plays for Real Betis (but is on loan to Osasuna) in La Liga. He’s originally from Cape Verde but came to us via Portugal. Thank you, Patrick, and thank you Cape Verde.

Images: Replay Jeans.

We’ve been slow to post on the pics doing the rounds of Irina Shayk’s Autumn/Winter campaign for Replay Jeans. Reason being we’re conflicted.

Yes, Irina’s topless. We can obviously see that. But she’s also wearing fingerless gloves in various colours and textures.

We normally understand these fash-hazards to have no real purpose other than to protect the palms of wannabes falling down nightclub stairs, but once again, we’ve been shown that we don’t know squat about anything. We think we do, but we do not.

As Cristiano’s girlfriend skillfully demonstrates, fingerless gloves are great breast warmers. In the off chance that one’s shirt, scarf or jacket are nowhere to be found, of course.

Kickettes, should we employ these uniquely versatile accessories for our next Friday night outing, or fight them until we break a pinky nail? Please do advise.

It’s right here, with Zinedine Zidane and Pele. Image: FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images.

Lionel Messi took home the coveted FIFA Ballon d’Or trophy Monday evening, staving off tough competition from Barcelona teammate, Xavi Hernandez, and Real Madrid rival, Cristiano Ronaldo (who was a no-show since his squad is set to do battle with Malaga in the Copa Del Ray today). As we raise our mugs of tea in a congratulatory salute to the talismanic mini-man, we’d also like to divert your attention to the real news at hand here:

There was a whole ‘lotta fashion uglyitis going on in Zurich last night. It was, perhaps, the craziest parade of clothes and coifs we’ve ever seen at a football awards gala.

We loathe ourselves every time we have something negative to say about somebody, but we’ve got a few things to get off our perky chests. We suspect the disagreeable gauntlet is ahead of us, so here goes nothing.

Image: AP Photo/Keystone, Alessandro Della Bella.

Gloomy winter weather doesn’t just put us in a bitchy frame of mind. It also messes with our metabolisms, hormones, libidos – in short, our well beings.

Nice to know Simone Farina‘s hair can relate.

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Image: AP Photo/Michael Probst.

It takes a very brave man to be seen in public wearing velour/velvet (or velourvet). Just ask Cristiano.

Will this suit jacket incident prove to be a blessing in disguise for Leo, giving him a huge boost in self-confidence and universal superstar appeal ala David Beckham’s sarong?

It’s a rhetorical question we genuinely don’t want answered.

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Image: FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images.

First one of Fergie’s buttons to pop wins!

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Image: FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images.

The laydeez were also out last night. Homare Sawa (Japan NT captain) won the FIFA Women’s World Player of the Year award and wore a cool ass kimono (not made out of velourvet).

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Image: Photo by Scott Heavey/Getty Images.

Lots of fringe. Lots of impact. Lots of fail.

Some combinations were meant to be; Neymar’s hair and our positive reinforcement not included.

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Image: Getty Images

Ah, the eighties… a span of 10 years that has so much to answer for. And yet, everyone’s going gaga for eighties’ style once again, with Ray-Ban Wayfarers and deck shoes in full retro effect. The one statement that decade failed to bring back into fashion?

The mullet.

Could it be, Kickettes? Was Shakira’s dress really the second coming of this once-popular hair don’t? Does anyone else want it to stop screaming ‘business in front, party in the back‘ at you like it’s still doing to us?

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Okay, okay. We’ll stop. Good on Messi for the win!

PS – read the full event recap here.

Bojan Krkic was all but mauled by a Kickette Soldier girl at his book signing last week.

We’re beyond proud.

Saturday

- Chelsea FC owner and Russian bajillionaire, Roman Abromovich, spared no expense for his New Year’s Eve party in St Bart’s.

- Sadly, Dani Alves confirmed over the break that he and his wife Dina did, indeed, separate. So much for that tattoo!

- Christine Bleakley was said to be eyeing up a move to america (as well as a X Factor USA career switch) in the event fiancé Frank Lampard makes a switch to a MLS side. It didn’t work out so well for Cheryl so obvi we won’t be holding our breath.

Sunday

- Where will Mario Balotelli store his criminally charged clothing now?

- Cristiano’s adams apple appeared on the cover of the latest issue of DT magazine.

- Carly Cole fans, looks like you might have to wait a little longer for your bouffant queen to make her triumphant return to English shores.

Monday

- Wesley Sneijder relaxed and posed for shirtless pics on his well deserved break with wife, Yolanthe, and friends in Marrakech.

- Managers’ job security in football: is it really dependent on race or not?

- Before we go, one last bit of great ‘baller baby-making news: Jesus Navas and Alejandra Moral are expecting their first child together less than a year after tying the knot. Congrats!

Click here to view the embedded video.

via ciacha.

Clown shoes-gate. That’s what happened last time Mesut got his model on. So when news of behind-the-scenes footage of a GQ Germany shoot broke this morning, we picked up our hipflasks lattes and morning croissants and headed to our safe viewing spot. That dark sinister space on the other side of the sofa.

Luckily, some of team-mate Cristiano’s modelling experience seems to have rubbed off on the doe-eyed one, and while he remains fully clothed at all times (boo!) he still looks super hot in these scenes. No frightening footwear, no migraines and no threats of nuclear attack necessary.

We’re so relieved we might have to skive off work this afternoon to celebrate.

ELLE magazine scored themselves a brace of WAGs to help them finish out the 2011 calendar in top form. At left, one shot of Cristiano’s girlfriend from this month’s Spanish version of the famed glossy, and to her right we have Victoria Beckham, who kicks off the US edition’s new year come January. Read More: Irina Shayk & Victoria Beckham in ELLE.

Contrary to appearances, this bath was not designed by Stephen Ireland. Image: REUTERS/Piotr Skornicki/Agencja Gazeta.

With the UEFA EURO 2012 draw less than 24 hours away, our limited attention spans have gravitated towards teams’ accommodations. Where will our favourite ‘ballers be holed up during the tourney? Will the management take personal tastes into consideration whilst selecting a hotel or will they only be mindful of relaxation and seclusion from the imminent hysteria? Moreover, how boring will it all be?

We’ll be examining several of the posh pads that the rich and WAGalicious will be occupying this summer at random, beginning today with the Remes hotel in Opalencia, Poland. Google Map this location, Kickettes, because the Remes will be housing the Portuguese NT throughout the tournament.

Join us as we have a nose around the place, offering our own opinions about the decor along the way, obviously.

The Gym

As we know, high profile footballer players have an image to maintain. These weights are polished hourly to ensure maximum shine factor if, say, an undercover photographer were to bypass security and pop a few shots of a hot sweaty player flexing his biceps before she’s tackled rugby-style in the bushes by an extremely angry, shaved-headed man with a gun.

Astute readers may have already noted how the wood flooring matches Cristiano’s favoured ‘summer tan‘ shade. This was an intentional upgrade by the hotel staff, which serves to assist said player’s camouflaging efforts while under siege from the aforementioned, totally unauthorised Kickette staff photographers.

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The Bar

Image: REUTERS/Piotr Skornicki/Agencja Gazeta.

For the purposes of this post, we have conducted a number of experiments involving balance to intoxication ratios. This style of seating is second only to the flipstick in it’s failure to keep bar patrons upright with each additional cocktail consumed after the ‘third drink’ mark**.

Clearly the hotel’s management sought to knock the overly thirsty players off their seats as a subtle hint for them to crawl back to their guest rooms before they’re praying to their porcelain toilet shrines in the morning.

**Beanbags were the most supportive seating amenity when howlingly drunk. They do tend to stain though.

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The Bedroom

Image: REUTERS/Piotr Skornicki/Agencja Gazeta.

A neat, tidy arrangement that simultaneously respects the requirement for personal space and the need for midnight cuddles. They’ve even written handy philosophical quotes on the carpet, not to be confused with a lady of the night’s morning after note of good riddance.

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Any glaring oversights for you there, Kickettes? Tell us and we’ll pretend to forward them onto the Portuguese FA for consideration.

Er… Crissy? You wouldn’t be checking yourself out on the stadium JumboTron like we were, huh? Image: Julian Finney/Getty Images.

We are to tennis what hats are to Ladies’ Day at Grand National. As a matter of fact, we’re thinking of upping our court side attendance at more matches in the near future – especially at the ones that take place in Madrid and London.

Don’t get the wrong idea here, Kickettes. We would never consider attending any kind of event just because we might so happen to bump into some hot and famous footballers. No, that would be too pathetically contrived even for us.

We just like tennis, okay?

“Ooh, Jack Wilshere! What a coincidence to run into you here. This old thing? No, we just threw it on this morning. We always wear couture gowns to sports fixtures.” Image: GLYN KIRK/AFP/Getty Images.

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Alright, so there may have been a minor scuffle when security caught us trying to sneak into the VIP section. Richard (WTF were we thinking) Chris Smalling and his pal might could’ve remained blissfully unaware if it weren’t for that pesky kid alerting him. Parents, control your children or leave them home. Thanks. Image: AP Photo/Alastair Grant.

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This was our “oh crap” moment. Once Kaspar Schmeichel started to slowclap security’s dismemberment of the Mayhem & Fruit Beverage Suite floozies, it was practically game over for all of us. Image: Julian Finney/Getty Images.

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We knew we could rely on Gareth to understand our passion for tennis. He didn’t, however, understand our dire need for get-out-of-jail funds. Image: Julian Finney/Getty Images Europe.

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Nani was severely disturbed by our antics even though Thomas Castaignede (French rugby player) and Robert Pires could find the humour in it all. We always did like him during his Arsenal days, ya know. Image: PacificCoastNews.com.

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Oh, come on, did you look at all of them?

Good, neither did we.

Something big happened last night, Kickettes. Something that could give reason for little piggies to take flight. Seen out at the Marie Claire Prix de la Moda Awards at the French Embassy Thursday evening, Cristiano Ronaldo did the unfathomable: he wore Hermès.

We know it’s a mind-numbing notion to take in, dear readers. After all, this is the walking God of Gucci we’re talking about here.

We, ourselves, were shaken to the core so deeply at such a sight that we couldn’t find the strength to continue writing. We did, however, have enough energy to compile more pics of these two lovebirds.

Where there is a will, we find a shortcut.

Not entirely sure how we feel about the suede peep toe Mary Janes with that centre double thigh slit Irina was working. Our Style Files has a different take. Full deets on Irina’s ensemble here. Image: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images Europe.

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Event attendees oogled at the couple as they made their way to their seats. Can’t say we blame her. Image: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images Europe.

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From the chest up, they both looked nice. There, we paid them a compliment. Now may we continue? Image: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images Europe.

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‘…this week’s episode of Beavis and Butthead was so awesome – lemme tell you about it…’ Image: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images Europe.

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‘…on second thought, maybe I should wait ’till we get back home…’. Image Credit: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images Europe.

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Irina accepts her award (no we didn’t Google which one). Image Credit: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images Europe.

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At least the ride home was fun, huh? Image Credit: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images Europe.

Irina Shayk, Dolores Aveiro and Katia Dos Santos (not pictured) at the Intercontinental hotel in Madrid, Spain.

Irina Shayk’s made-for-our-left-hands golf ball-sized ring is playing tricks on us. We first laid eyes on it last week during Cristiano’s Golden Boot presentation, but by Sunday evening, it was noticeably absent during Irina’s walk down the European Music Awards red carpet.

The wooly mammoth of bling deserves a name. We think.

Fine then, we shall call her ‘Nereida,’ but let’s keep that info between us Kickettes, okay?

Anyway, the diamond Shayk was wearing earlier last weekend was made by Di Grisogno, the same brand that once paid ex-WAG Cheryl Cole a hefty sum to slap her name on a special capsule collection of their baubles. Knowing this, we can’t help but feel that Nereida’s recent showing was a fleeting occurrence – definitely not a permanent mainstay on Irina’s usually bare left hand.

That’s not to say, of course, we can outright deny the whispers we’ve heard re: these two becoming seriously involved, which started to surface after Cristiano began building his own hotel and golf course. Naturally, the property will bear his name once its completed later this summer. Ironically, July 2012 just so happens to be the date that’s being pegged for Irina and C-Ron’s supposedly impending nuptials.

Problem with this theory is that month is smack dab in the middle of the Euros 2012 in Poland. So unless Ronaldo and team Portugal fail to attend – which we can’t see happening – we’d again argue that Nereida is a publicity ploy surrounded by some nonsense. Wouldn’t be the first time, that’s for sure!

But really, your guesses on the validity of these rumours are as good as ours, dear readers. Anyone down for playing the wait-and-see game with us?