We totes should have gone into product marketing.
It’s not as if the concept of taking a half naked footballer, a round bed decorated with tassles from the Birdcage Haberdashery & Other Traveling Circus Ornaments Discount Supply Store, and throwing in mood lighting inspired by a dodgy massage parlour in Earls Court is original. We’ve discussed that exact idea a dozen times before in our editorial meetings/psychotherapy sessions.
Side note: This shot seems to be lacking from the amount of spray oil we feel necessary for anything involving Cristiano’s body.
Images: Getty Images, Reuters via Daylife
When a young gentlemen in an expensive sports car is pictured in polite conversation with an officer of the law at the side of a road, the natural conclusion for us to reach is that he has been nabbed for speeding. It has been known, after all.
Things are not always as they seem in the wacky world of football, though. Fernando Torres, the young gentleman in question, was actually in the process of reporting a photographer for tailing him, and not, as at least one newspaper reported, receiving a ticket.
Oh Fern. We never stopped believing. Those freckles would never do anyone harm.
However, this thought leads us directly to our next reportage; the affairs of one Cristiano Ronaldo, lovegod of this parish. You see, fascinating though this expose of C-Ron’s sex life is, we found our attention inexorably drawn to the word ‘ridiculous’. Usually we would cheer at the inference, but in light of Nandina’s ‘misunderstanding’ we are cautious. Does ridiculous mean sizable as in ‘that diamond gift for services rendered is ridiculous’? Or foolish as in ‘Ian Poulter’s trousers are ridiculous’?
It is vital we figure this out. Our future happiness may depend on it.
Could have been us, it really could have. Images: Getty Images & Agency Photo via Zimbio
The Kickette office has been on red alert since one of our eagle-eyed staffers/readers spotted this little imperfection on the otherwise immaculately tanned Cristiano Ronaldo.
Now at first glance, we thought it might be a particularly badly placed, poorly executed tattoo; a concept we fully embrace being the aficionados of the stoopid, drunk, regretted tatt-filled bunch that we are.
We then whiled away several hours of our *busy* lives considering various options, including baby mama scratch marks, a new Gucci body art sticker trend situ we’d yet to hear about or a variation on a gold star for good behaviour you get in school. Some sort of “Jose tramp stamp” given to his fav boys, perhaps?
Finally, and somewhat disappointingly, we settled on a rather more prosaic ‘erroneous bit of grass’ that had attached itself to the C-Ron shoulder during training, as confirmed by this later photo (left).
Bit of grass? We salute you. You have attained heights of proximity to ‘the body’ that we can only dream of.
Random: Coleen Rooney has gone for the real thing.
News breaks of Didier’s punishment. He seems concerned, Kickettes. Images: Getty Images, Reuters via Daylife
Far be it from us to make light of an awful situation, but last week’s news that North Korea’s NT coach and players have been punished for the team’s poor performance at the World Cup got us thinking.
While these part-timers put their hearts and souls into every game, even scoring a cheeky goal against Brazil, we want to address several of the footy world’s greatest, many of which didn’t live up to their expensive reps during this year’s tournament.
Therefore, we have invented a series of cruel and unusual punishments, devilishly designed to hit a randomly selected player exactly where it hurts the most.
Think you can just show up and pass the time lads? We’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget…
OK, first up we’ll admit that the Drog’s injury prior to the tournament *may* have impeded his ability to set the WC on fire. But if we were fair and reasonable, this post would not make any sense at all.
No need to look at the trousers on waiter boy/man who looks like he may have a “special” swing set up in his basement. Just avert your eyes and appreciate Kaka’s eyebrows.
Over the weekend a few Real Madrid players hit up one of our favourite Brazilian steakhouse restaurant chains, Fogo for dinner. Other footy fans of this eatery include David and Cruz Beckham, in case you’re taking notes.
The lads then shared a cab back to their hotel with Cristiano Ronaldo riding shotgun in the front while Kaka and the others squeezed in the backseat like lower status sardines.