Jermain Defoe celebrated his b-day this weekend. As is to be expected, several ballers, skanks and etcs were in attendance at his party. Remember to use protection, folks!
Luck or skill? Gangster or ballerina? Take it away Zlatan…
Grassroots football in America: literally does have grass. And also, lots of cute kids enjoying the beautiful game.
A Columbian soap star says she gave Cristiano Ronaldo the brush off because she thought he was gay. Can’t a man wear tight short-shorts anymore? Yeesh. Also, whatsherface has been yakking it up on Spanish telly about her C-Ron relationship. Leave the man and his abs alone, please.
Splash News/KEYSTONE Press
Looking for some baby names? Just take your favourite footie side and get creative. Meet Eva-Toni-Ann, who has been deemed an Everton fan from birth.
Victoria Beckham’s Marc Jacobs 7-inch stilettos are surely not meant for shopping in? They look like ‘home to taxi to seated in bar/restaurant to cab to home’ shoes to us.
Normally we wouldn’t support such a shameless courting of the media, but the re-emergence of Nereida Gallardo and her decision to speak out about her relationship with Cristiano Ronaldo is too good not to share. Take it away, whatsherface!
On skankdom: “He is very good in bed. That’s why I was with him. We had sex the first night we met.“
On the rewards: Apparently, Cristiano “lavished” her with expensive gifts including a designer handbag and an Armani belt. Er? Are those even worthy of mention?
On Manchester: “The city is a little bit sad and the nightclubs close early. Life was only PlayStation, movies on TV and sex. But his house is impressive, with three floors.“
On getting dumped: She was sent a text message. “I was upset by the way he finished the relationship, which to me seems 100 per cent cowardly. He is very immature.“
Link: Cristiano Ronaldo Dumped Me By Text Message
If there’s one good thing about the seasons starting to change and grow colder, it’s the return of the jumper. They look so good on ballers, doncha know. We’ll certainly be welcoming autumn with open arms this year.
Also, welcome with open arms: C-Ron and his oatmeal-covered pecs. And yes, his slightly too short jeans and over-groomed eyebrows too. Our appreciation for Cristiano and all his Eurotrash glory is returning.
Roll on full fitness fairies!
image via AP Photo
Cristiano Ronaldo was recently voted as the Ulitmate Gay Icon by over 3,000 gay men in a recent poll. He beat out Kylie Minogue, Judy Garland, The Village People and David Beckham.
That’s quite an achievement, no? Never thought we’d see David trumped by any other footballer for that title. The official line from the prestigious and respected world ranking system of the (SFW) Gay Gold Diggers website:
“Ronaldo’s ripped body, slicked-back hair, shiny white teeth and jewellery swung the votes his way.He looks like any gay man or woman’s dream. What with being Footballer of the Year, scoring 42 goals last season and former girlfriends saying he is talented off the pitch, he seems to have everything going for him.“
Yes, the website is called Gay Gold Diggers. You’re not familiar?
Congratulations C-Ron, enjoy the status upgrade. We’re looking forward to seeing you back on the pitch.
Kickettes, do spare a thought for our David, who has been shockingly demoted during an aggressive Armani-ass out campaign season. Life is so unfair.
Link: Cristiano Ronaldo Voted Ultimate Gay Icon
“I’ll play for Manchester United with my heart and soul. I will fight and honour that shirt with all the commitment and dedication I’ve always had.”
Wonderful. Lets all now try and erase the months of Real Madrid back and forth, whatsherface bikini-flaunting and mahogany tanning that took the shine off of our love for Cristiano Ronaldo.
We’re hoping this will all blow over now – remember the good old days when we could post a story on C-Ron and have positive, happy comments from readers? No? Well, actually, neither do we. But still. We miss that.
Not sure how the Manchester United fans will feel about this apology but we’re sure they’ll let him know when he’s back on the pitch. Our guess is it will take quite a few fantabulous shots on goal before all will be forgotten.
Link: Cristiano Ronaldo Not As Stupid