'Dressed At Gunpoint' Category

Guess Who: Sneaking Out Of A Snood


Image: AP Photo/Shizuo Kambayashi.

A bit of a toughie for the latest edition of our exciting new ‘holy crap, we can’t be bothered to do any work’ series. Unless of course you’re fully conversant with footballers and their ridiculous hairdos, in which case, it’s completely and horribly obvious.

How To Please Her: Abbey Crouch


Ya know, we’ve always been fond of Abbey Crouch (née Clancy) and her ability to look drunk off her ass without a hair or hem out of place. It’s a skill set we can only dream of adopting sometime before we’re eligible for senior citizenship.

So naturally, once this week’s MrPorter.com issue of The Journal was delivered to our inboxes with shouty blurbs about Abbey restyling her fam (husband/Stoke City player, Peter, brother/Fleetwood City FC footballer, Sean and brother/aspiring musician, John) we and our post-dinner glasses of Port just had to dive right in and get all the juicy deets while they were still hot off the press.


Gigi Buffon: Knitwear Nightmare


Naples, Italy. Sunday 6th November. Image: AP Photo/Jonathan Moscrop, LaPresse.

Just to be clear, we have no problem with combining clothing to maximise convenience.  In fact it would probably be easier for everyone if the Kickette staff wore splash resistant onesies for night time adventures.

But we’ve gotta say, we’re not really feeling Gigi’s fetching jumper/scarf combo thingy here. He’s basically just about pulling it off because he’s a nailed on hottie, but it’s a slippery slope into the woollen wilderness.

Don’t end up like this guy, Gianluigi. In the name of all that’s sexy. Don’t.

Coiffure Control: Sandro, Tottenham Hotspur


It’s visible from space, y’know. Thanks Sandro, for contributing to the notion that there is no intelligent life on this planet. Image: Getty Images.

We’ve known about this for a while now, but have chosen to avoid making comment. Not because our mothers drilled into us that if you haven’t got anything nice to say then shut your face, but because this haircut is so heinous we couldn’t find anyone in the office who would look at it for long enough to post on it.

We never thought there’d be a day when Neymar’s hair would be overshadowed by a more hideous head-topiary. Clearly we were wrong.

Dressed At Gunpoint: Djibril Cisse, Lazio


Attention Djibril Cisse! We regret to inform you that all of the credit points you earned by wearing a Jean Paul Gaultier skirt to a ‘Men Of The Year’ Awards ceremony earlier this year have now been revoked due to those appalling shoes. Unless you can confirm that you were indeed ‘Dressed At Gunpoint’ prior to arrival at Rome’s Fiumicino Airport, in which case we may reconsider. They are pretty awful, after all.