'Dressed At Gunpoint' Category

Stuart Pearce: Working For The Man

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Stuart Pearce is working for the other side, Kickettes. Be brave in the face of inconceivable provocation. Images: Getty Images/Daylife.

As the fastest growing demographic in football support (Source: The Kickette Institute For Shameless Self Promotion), we feel that the time has come for the governing body of the global game to pay some mind to our more ‘specialist’ requirements. We’ve campaigned hard for our rights, but it seems that our assertions about global productivity being seriously affected by the lack of tanned manflesh available to help us get up in the morning are falling on deaf ears.

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Dressed At Gunpoint: Andrey Arshavin & John Carew

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ASquared left Mayfair’s Colony Club Sunday night following his team’s win over Manchester United. He’s getting dangerously close to Guti’s closet.

We usually make an effort to be understanding of football players’ fashion choices, based on their lack of schooling and comprehension of social cues. Dressed At Gunpoint was a category conceived to gently prod the calamitously clothed to correct their wild ways, if you didn’t know.

Sadly, we are unable to extend this courtesy to Andrey Arshavin and his shirt. Taking into account how the Arsenal footballer was technically trained (and subsequently produced his own line of women’s clothing), his eye for the sartorial should be impeccable. Why, then, was he compelled to ply his dressmaking skills on a garment made with the same pattern and fabric used to upholster his butler’s on-site caravan?

We should be told.

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Mario Balotelli: Dressed For Success

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Mario Balotelli has worked out a way to convey his ‘innovative’ approach to life without having to move a muscle. He was waiting for his take-away lunch in ‘San Carlo’ restaurant, much to the amusement of his fellow patrons.

Dressed At Gunpoint: Coleen Rooney

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Guess it had to happen at some point, Kickettes. We can count the number of times we’ve hated one of Coleen Rooney’s outfits on one hand. As you know, we usually love what she wears, but the dire dressage above is worth an entire hand of dislikes.

As we learned last week, the challenging world of jumpsuits is not for everyone and, Coleen’s Sea NY leopard print number is probably not for anyone. The tapered cut of the trousers and baggy-ness around her midsection do absolutely nothing for her visibly small body. Those who thought Col was on course for a stellar fashion weekend, which began with her sporting this adorable look at a Kylie Minogue concert on Friday, obviously thought wrong upon seeing this onesie monstrosity.

WAGs have a dubious history with animal print jumpsuits. Several fashion disasters in the same category lead us to believe that jumpsuits should be removed from the list of available options for WAG fashion. If you must wear a jumpsuit, we think the key is to make it look like you’re not wearing one. Stick to a solid color and make sure it’s fitted on either the top or the bottom. This lovely little number from L’Wren Scott does just the trick.

Good Week/Bad Week: Never Work With Children Or Er… Fruit

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An awesome round up of this week’s hot stories to ease you into the weekend. We recommend you enjoy it with a blueberry muffin and a shot of vodka cup of green tea.

Good Week

Super Bambi: Mesut Ozil became the latest player to shill his boots for Nike (top). Although most of Mesut’s pretty is obfuscated by funky special effects in the clip, there is sufficient exposure of the doe-eyed one for it to receive the Kickette stamp of approval. Just.

Trophy Wife: Sylvie van der Vaart continued her inexorable rise to the top of the WAG tree by being named ‘Media Woman of 2010′ at the Radio Regenbogen Awards in Karlsruhe, Germany.

She looked hot, natch (left).

Image: Getty Images/Zimbio

H2-Woah!: The eccentricity continues at Manchester City, as news breaks that Micah Richards will be installing an oxygen tent in his house, in an attempt to speed up his recovery from a knock in time for City’s FA Cup semi-final against Manchester United. Let’s hope the entrance is clearly marked for him, unlike certain other fabric structures at City lately.

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