Stevie & Lamps celebrate their inclusion in the Kickette England NT Hot List. (Images : Getty Images, AP Photos)
We’re petrified to venture down this path, Kickettes. With the disastrous injury/skankocity woes of the England NT recently, it seems almost foolhardy to single out any of the team for special mention in case we invoke whatever deity of destruction is following them around and someone ends up on the plane home. Still, it’s amazing what a couple of sneaky drams on the hip flask will do for one’s confidence.
Here’s our Hottest Five England World Cup Players list. Whilst reading, we ask all relevant fans to keep their fingers crossed. Just in case.
Damn, it. Why don’t they just show us a video of Lassie desperately trying to drag a sick, orphaned child with a bad case of dandruff through a rainstorm? It would make us feel better than to see how much David Beckham wants to reunite with a football. Sigh.
Via Tim Lovejoy’s twitter
It’s technically after hours at Kickette HQ and a lot has fallen to the wayside since we accidentally started drinking ahead of normal public scrutiny hours. Since our next top 5 World Cup National Team hotties list for today is way late, a caption contest is all we can offer. Pick your favourite or make up your own. Enjoy!
Tired of conjuring up the same old boring head-pictorial to keep you interested in the aesthetically-displeasing mortal you’re stuck snogging? Say hello to your new mental makeout decoy: Frank Lampard’s Crotch. You can thank us afterwards.
Caption #2. (to be said by Ant & Dec or in an Ant & Dec-like voice)
Please give a warm welcome to England’s new vice captain’s vice captains!
Caption # 3.
Anything we will attempt to say about the above money shot will come across as too try-hard. Lamps is dead sexy. End of story.
A freeze frame/pause button is so necessary right now.
Captions #5 – 10 due to word count.
An invitation to Frank Lampard’s nethers is sort of like a members-only online sample sale.
Fashionistas worldwide anxiously watch the hands tick on the clock at extremely odd hours of the day while simultaneously hitting “refresh” with paranoid anticipation. Then, the internet Gods unlock the shopping gates and everyone and their Mum has exactly 1 hour to raid the crap out of the joint before leaving behind articles of clothing in sizes only Barbie can wear. Most girls finish the fiasco empty-handed and sadfaced.
Kickettes, on the other hand, are a much smarter bunch. We just short-cut the whole stressful situ and try our luck at the five finger discount. And today, and for one day only, his site’s firewall has been accidentally left wide open. Every woman for herself!
Images via Hola! magazine, Getty Images, Boris Horvat/AFP.
- Ex-Barcelona coach, Frank Rijkaard, got married for the third time. To his kids’ nanny. Hmm…
- During the Netherlands v. Hungary friendly, Robin Van Persie nearly had his shirt ripped off to reveal…another shirt beneath it. So close, yet so far.
- Xabi Alonso is the ex that just won’t quit. Lately, he’s discussing his unrequited love for Stevie Gerrard, with hopes of undressing together once again.
- We also wasted an hour or so trying to figure out which ‘baller’s bubba most closely resembles “Juanito” (one of the top 12 worst World Cup mascots).
- Tottenham’s Luka Modric became a father. He was by the seaside in Zadar when wifey Vanja’s water broke, and he raced to Zagreb to be there in just time for the birth. Baby is a healthy little boy, but they’ve yet to decide on a name. Congrats!
With everyone dressed in their Monday afternoon best, The Rooney family enjoyed one last meal together in centre-city Liverpool before Wayne departed for South Africa with his national teammates. How many designer labels can you properly ID on Coleen? We counted four: Birkin, Christian Louboutin, J Brand and Louis Vuitton.
Star Wars geeks, try not to lose your mind over this mix of footy, Snoop Dogg and “The Force”. For shizzle!
Everton’s Jack Rodwell launches their new away kit with a striptease that could have used some Kickette consulting for better gyration.
Steven Gerrard likes Lucozade.
Hot men with earrings. It can happen.
Kickette gives Dirty Tackle readers a basic insight into footy hotness.
Hapy b-day to Germany’s Lukas Podolski!
Drama over the Dutchy Dress.
James Corden + Wayne Rooney = LOL
Bordeaux deny that the Premier League could be getting 75% better looking.