'English Premier League' Category

Weekend Results: Good For You?

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Leeds ‘keeper Kasper Schmeichel illustrates why would should all be carefully watching the English Championship this season. Images: Getty Images via Daylife

So while we’re sure you’ve found our stories about haircuts, pre-season training and Twitter feeds both innovative and fascinating, we know you’ll be relieved to hear there’s finally some footie to report on. It’s been a while. Let’s hope we haven’t lost our groove.

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B-Day Boy: Robin Van Persie Turns Twenty-Seven

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Many happy returns are in order to Arsenal’s Robin Van Persie who turns twenty-seven today. Let’s hope he celebrates relaxing with his wonderfully cute family and the alcoholic beverage/chocolate-coated items of his choice.

While we were thinking about what the most suitable gift would be for our fave Dutch hottie, we realised that RVP already has the best present of all: he gets to continue his bromance with the adorkable Cesc Fabregas.

Well, wait. That’s not entirely true. There is one gift we could give that would be better than that, but pesky restraining orders have thwarted our efforts. Never mind. It’s still a truly happy Friday for Gunners fans: Cesc has announced that he is keeping his perky bottom in London for the time being.

So, let’s raise a glass to Robin and his 27 years on the planet, more Emirates based love-ins and one more year of Cesc in the English capital. Hurrah!

Would You: Javier Hernandez, Manchester United

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Good grief! Is he wearing a bib?! Images: Getty Images, Reuters via Daylife

So we’re thinking of moving to ‘Cougar Town’. There’s nothing else for it. When the pups turn up and you start confusing lustful leanings with ovary explosions, it simply gets too weird.

This, ladies (and some gents), is Javier Hernandez. You will recognise him from Mexico’s World Cup squad and if you’ve been paying serious attention, as the latest signing for Manchester United. His nickname is Chicharito (means ‘Little Pea’, amusingly), he is twenty two years old and scored on his debut for United against MLS All-Stars on their US tour.

Sure, twenty-two is perfectly legal and acceptable. But Javier looks nowhere near his age. He looks like an embryo crossed with a fetus with a side of Justin Bieber. That’s what messes with our heads, dear readers.

Is it his deep brown eyes we find so utterly compelling? Perhaps. His taut thighs? Probably. His uncanny ability to make notoriously fierce uber manager Alex Ferguson look like a friendly Grampy (left)? Undoubtedly.

There is one thing we know for certain, though. If we carry on like this, a career in crap romantic fiction beckons.

Tell us what you think of Chicharito, Kickettes; we’re off to have a lie down.

Andrey Arshavin: Little Man, Big Gun

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Every now and then, we browse the always LOLworthy Arsenal star’s website; it never fails to provide us with photographic goodness. Please note: real men shun ear protection and use their tongues when holding a big… gun. That sounds deliciously dirty, doesn’t it?

Mikel Arteta: Protective Papa

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We see you seeing us, Mikel. We’re going to hazard a guess you would prefer to unpack your baby son’s stroller with wifey in private. Sadly, that’s just not how we roll. You look hot when you’re angry, btw. Please don’t call the police. We’ll leave now.