Thierry Henry tries on his new uniform. Images: Getty Images via mlssoccer.com, AP Photos via Daylife, Getty Images via Zimbio
‘Ladies, the market is now open for shopping.’
When this kind of announcement is heard in the Kickette office, it’s generally an excuse for a no-holds-barred scramble for the door, a sight which the few who have seen it (and survived) have described as similar in appearance to a lion-meets-bear pit.
In the case of the football transfer window though, we take a rather more cautious view. You see, we worry about our boys. The all-consuming horror of seeing them uprooted from their safe, warm, friendly clubs and hurled into a frightening new arena where they don’t know anyone and their lunch money is just asking to be stolen is distressing.
We’ve taken a moment to examine a few of the confirmed movers and shakers in the transfer market in order to identify their capacity for survival in their new playgrounds. Anyone up for a game of kiss chase?
Image via PacificCoastNews.com.
Didier Drogba and his tiny, adorable and edible Ed Hardy-clad son, Kieran, were seen entering Beverly Hills’ eatery, Crustacean, for dinner yesterday.
Chelsea FC fans take note: he’s carting the kid around in his right arm. Good sign before the start of the season?
“This is one of the greatest days of my life! I’m to become a father – have just seen our baby on a scan and can’t wait to the day my fiancée gives birth. We are indescribably happy and look forward to see our baby for the first time. We have just had an unforgetable holiday together and are now in USA with the whole family. I wish you all the same joy as me on your holiday.”
And with that, our favourite Dane, Nicklas Bendtner shatters the hearts of thousands of women. And the Kickette office lies in ruins.
But on the plus side, for those of us who have followed our beloved Nicky B’s love life with interest since his hook up with Baroness Caroline Flemming some eight months ago, at least we’ve had some warning. Take his stellar ‘ovary-busting whilst baby brandishing’ look (above).
We too have studied the photos at length and have concluded that the boy rocks this look almost as well as our other Nicky B fave photo opp fave, ‘sans trousers’. We are therefore fully comfortable with offering the following sentiment:
‘Congratulations Nicky and Caroline, we’re soooo looking forward to the baby pics!’
Well. Mostly comfortable. Maybe an eensy weensy bit sad.
Source: Nicklas Bendtner Official Website and Sporten.dk
Image copyright John/Matt Peters/ www.manutd.com.
Dimitar Berbatov: Seriously? You reckon they’ll put me in?
Darron Gibson: Honestly, mate. All you need to do is flash a bit of thigh and those vodka tramps at Kickette will jump on it. They’re basically caged hormones in heels.
Dimi: Like this? Dimi rolls up his shorts, inadvertently emulating every English football player of the late 1980’s.
Darron: Exactly. Now wait. One of their photographers will be operating in deep cover, probably in that hedge over there. They sometimes hang out by the bins too. What you need to do is start slowly, giving them just a few inches of thigh. They’ll take an interest and start to follow your action. Next session, maybe give them a glimpse of torso. You don’t want to peak too early.
Dimi: Okay, so thigh today, tummy tomorrow, yes? I like this! All the ladies gonna love them some D-Tar!
Darron: Oh, they will! They so will! Sniggers. Dimi looks on, suddenly uncertain.
Dimi: You wouldn’t set me up, would you, D? I’m an innocent, artistic Bulgarian boy made good. This season could be crucial for me. The Manchester United fans are slightly skeptical of my commitment since I used to score for fun at Spurs and now look vaguely confused when approaching the penalty area. I can’t afford any mishaps.
Darron: Honestly, mate. You look bangin’. Tell ‘im, Paul.
Paul Scholes: Bangin, mate. Ahem.