“This is one of the greatest days of my life! I’m to become a father – have just seen our baby on a scan and can’t wait to the day my fiancée gives birth. We are indescribably happy and look forward to see our baby for the first time. We have just had an unforgetable holiday together and are now in USA with the whole family. I wish you all the same joy as me on your holiday.”
And with that, our favourite Dane, Nicklas Bendtner shatters the hearts of thousands of women. And the Kickette office lies in ruins.
But on the plus side, for those of us who have followed our beloved Nicky B’s love life with interest since his hook up with Baroness Caroline Flemming some eight months ago, at least we’ve had some warning. Take his stellar ‘ovary-busting whilst baby brandishing’ look (above).
We too have studied the photos at length and have concluded that the boy rocks this look almost as well as our other Nicky B fave photo opp fave, ‘sans trousers’. We are therefore fully comfortable with offering the following sentiment:
‘Congratulations Nicky and Caroline, we’re soooo looking forward to the baby pics!’
Well. Mostly comfortable. Maybe an eensy weensy bit sad.
Source: Nicklas Bendtner Official Website and Sporten.dk
Image copyright John/Matt Peters/ www.manutd.com.
Dimitar Berbatov: Seriously? You reckon they’ll put me in?
Darron Gibson: Honestly, mate. All you need to do is flash a bit of thigh and those vodka tramps at Kickette will jump on it. They’re basically caged hormones in heels.
Dimi: Like this? Dimi rolls up his shorts, inadvertently emulating every English football player of the late 1980’s.
Darron: Exactly. Now wait. One of their photographers will be operating in deep cover, probably in that hedge over there. They sometimes hang out by the bins too. What you need to do is start slowly, giving them just a few inches of thigh. They’ll take an interest and start to follow your action. Next session, maybe give them a glimpse of torso. You don’t want to peak too early.
Dimi: Okay, so thigh today, tummy tomorrow, yes? I like this! All the ladies gonna love them some D-Tar!
Darron: Oh, they will! They so will! Sniggers. Dimi looks on, suddenly uncertain.
Dimi: You wouldn’t set me up, would you, D? I’m an innocent, artistic Bulgarian boy made good. This season could be crucial for me. The Manchester United fans are slightly skeptical of my commitment since I used to score for fun at Spurs and now look vaguely confused when approaching the penalty area. I can’t afford any mishaps.
Darron: Honestly, mate. You look bangin’. Tell ‘im, Paul.
Paul Scholes: Bangin, mate. Ahem.
Image via Zimbio/Getty Images.
As we’re sure you’ll recall, Marouane Chamakh’s hair has been causing us distress for quite some time now, with his hair decisions sitting squarely on the “irritation” scale; something impinging on our potential enjoyment of something altogether more beautiful.
However. The safe distance we were able to maintain while Marouane played for Bordeaux (we found a few thousand kilometres was sufficient to dull the follicular pain) has now been significantly shortened, as M and his badly behaved buzzard cut will soon be turning out for Arsenal (left) in the new EPL season.
We’re certain that Marouane’s passing resemblance (by ‘passing’ we mean at 40kph on a moped) to Cristiano Ronaldo, plus the size of his wallet, will put him at serious risk of pursuit by budget Wagabees.
But this isn’t the only peril a fresh-faced boy can face when playing for the Gunners: lately Arsenal players have been falling victim to situations as varied as unfounded accusations of campness, hostile knicker critiques, trouser snatchers and unlicenced fraternising with furries. North London can be an extremely scary place, y’know.
Marouane, welcome to the EPL. But please be careful. Oh, and find a decent barber. Your future exposure on this website may depend on it.
Everton’s Jack Rodwell. Thank heavens for pre-season training.
It’s been a long time coming, ladies, but as our some of our favourite boys trickle back into training we’re pleased to report that our campaign work has paid off! The ‘Kickette Guide to Player Etiquette – Skin Edition’ is now being successfully implemented on training grounds across the globe.
Please enjoy the fruits of our labour over the jump. Due to the success of this enterprise we are considering further directives to clubs, including ‘Abolition of Under Armour’ and ‘Soccer in the Nude’. Your thoughts, Kickettes?
NOTE: While we would love to claim that Chelsea’s new ‘Harry Potter’ training techniques are also our handiwork, we can’t. Because they’re not.