'English Premier League' Category

Let’s Play: Spot The ‘Ballers

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Can you find ‘em? Please note that neither Darren Fletcher nor Wes Brown seems to know the answer to whatever question was asked to this adorable group of children. Never mind, the two Manchester United homies were out doing good work, helping to teach children about road safety as part of an initiative run by Kumho Tyres and the Manchester United Foundation.

Marouane Chamakh: The Buzzard Cut Has Landed

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Image via Zimbio/Getty Images.

As we’re sure you’ll recall, Marouane Chamakh’s hair has been causing us distress for quite some time now, with his hair decisions sitting squarely on the “irritation” scale; something impinging on our potential enjoyment of something altogether more beautiful.

However. The safe distance we were able to maintain while Marouane played for Bordeaux (we found a few thousand kilometres was sufficient to dull the follicular pain) has now been significantly shortened, as M and his badly behaved buzzard cut will soon be turning out for Arsenal (left) in the new EPL season.

We’re certain that Marouane’s passing resemblance (by ‘passing’ we mean at 40kph on a moped) to Cristiano Ronaldo, plus the size of his wallet, will put him at serious risk of pursuit by budget Wagabees.

But this isn’t the only peril a fresh-faced boy can face when playing for the Gunners: lately Arsenal players have been falling victim to situations as varied as unfounded accusations of campnesshostile knicker critiquestrouser snatchers and unlicenced fraternising with furries. North London can be an extremely scary place, y’know.

Marouane, welcome to the EPL. But please be careful. Oh, and find a decent barber. Your future exposure on this website may depend on it.

Pre-Season Training: You Can Thank Us Later

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Everton’s Jack Rodwell. Thank heavens for pre-season training.

It’s been a long time coming, ladies, but as our some of our favourite boys trickle back into training we’re pleased to report that our campaign work has paid off! The ‘Kickette Guide to Player Etiquette – Skin Edition’ is now being successfully implemented on training grounds across the globe.

Please enjoy the fruits of our labour over the jump. Due to the success of this enterprise we are considering further directives to clubs, including ‘Abolition of Under Armour’ and ‘Soccer in the Nude’. Your thoughts, Kickettes?

NOTE:  While we would love to claim that Chelsea’s new ‘Harry Potter’ training techniques are also our handiwork, we can’t. Because they’re not.

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Style-Off: England Boys’ Back-To-Reality Looks

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Post World Cup non-glory, some of our favourite English lads have headed off to spend time with their significant others. What else do we have now but to judge their apparel?

In London, Frank Lampard left his Chelsea flat (with g/f Christine Bleakley);

In Southport, Captain Steven Gerrard had lunch at Bistro Verite with his two daughters and wife Alex (she wore clogs. Soz. Had to mention); and

In France, David Beckham headed to Bargemon to be with Victoria and their three boys.

Which of the back-to-reality boys gets your vote for the best style-whilst-sad look? We think they all look rather good, but it’s hard to out-do Becks when it comes to casual cute.

‘Ballers On Breaks: The Arshavins In The Maldives

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You gotta love family holiday snaps. Whether you’re caught cross-eyed, looking green after a boat ride or coming off a waterslide with your bikini bottoms around your ankles, they’re never good, are they?

Thank goodness we have the Arshavins. As we know, Arsenal’s Andrey Arshavin isn’t shy about taking part in entertaining photo shoots. While in the Maldives on vacation, he and the family have been relaxing, playing tennis, jet-skiing and… posing.

Yes, it’s always tragic when a holiday comes to an end, but we will not be sad to see some of these sub-par shots go.

At the end of the don’t-wanna-watch-anymore-footy-’cos-we’re-pouting-and-depressed,-damn-it day, this much we know is true: their kids are scrumptious.