'English Premier League' Category

Wayne Rooney Wins PFA Player Of The Year


See Wayne’s side-eye? That’s because someone asked if he would pass the salt. Leave him alone, damn it, he’s the bloody PFA Player Of The Season! Yeesh. Anyhoo, let’s all give up a massive congratulations to the Manchester United star player for an amazing season’s work.  Now please, Roo: take your vitamins and magic fixey pills so you can be better before the World Cup starts? Merci.

Frank Lampard: Lip Smackin’ Street Swagger


Chelsea FC LampardAfter taking his sweetie for a cup of whothehellcares at Starbucks yesterday, Frank Lampard hit his stride on the London streets.

This whole thing just works. And don’t even bother fighting us on this one.

Images via Wenn

The Tuesday Torso: Aaron Lennon, Tottenham


Weekend Results: Rather Volcanic


As half of Europe remains shut down due to a volcano taking inspiration from Jermain Defoe’s auto activities, let’s take a quick bulleted look over what we took notice of this weekend. Since we’re becoming obsessed with the Icelandic spouter and mother nature’s ability to mess up a continent, we’re also going to try and use the word Eyjafjallajökull at every possible moment.

- The news that Fernando Torres is out for the rest of the season hurt us like a broken nail after a new manicure. The possibility that he could miss the World Cup was much more traumatic: more like running into an ex whilst shoving a jam doughnut down your gob and wearing your “laundry day” house clothes. With a pimple the size of Eyjafjallajökull. And a pair of knickers falling out of the bottom of your laundry day trousers as you gallantly walk past.

- Luckily, there’s still hope Nando will make it to South Africa. Thank Eyjafjallajökull.

- It was a helluvan exciting weekend of footy.  Manchester United showed everyone they are not going down without a fight, with a win over City in the derby. (They also showed everyone they can take man love to heights bigger than… oh, you know where we’re going with this so let’s just stop.)


Premier League: Top Four Torso Finishers


Guess who? Image via AP Photo

It’s that time of the year again.

That window in the footballing calendar when we are sufficiently (if momentarily) distracted from our pursuit of short tents and fash-fails to cast an eye over the league tables and think about who will win.

Trouble is, Kickettes, we’ve been in the pub for so long now that the title race is nearly locked and loaded. Looking ahead to the final weekends, we’re predicting the top four table finishers based on the face/body talent ratio.

This isn’t about team allegiance, people, this is about cold hard facts. Taking one’s clothes off is inversely related to goal scoring. Peeling back layers earns points. Simple as that.

We realise that in posting this chesticuff scenario we are likely to prompt the kind of scenes in our comments section generally only available on the National Geographic channel. But this is our take on how we envision the remainder of the season panning out. After all, we have a knack for predicting the future.