As half of Europe remains shut down due to a volcano taking inspiration from Jermain Defoe’s auto activities, let’s take a quick bulleted look over what we took notice of this weekend. Since we’re becoming obsessed with the Icelandic spouter and mother nature’s ability to mess up a continent, we’re also going to try and use the word Eyjafjallajökull at every possible moment.
- The news that Fernando Torres is out for the rest of the season hurt us like a broken nail after a new manicure. The possibility that he could miss the World Cup was much more traumatic: more like running into an ex whilst shoving a jam doughnut down your gob and wearing your “laundry day” house clothes. With a pimple the size of Eyjafjallajökull. And a pair of knickers falling out of the bottom of your laundry day trousers as you gallantly walk past.
- Luckily, there’s still hope Nando will make it to South Africa. Thank Eyjafjallajökull.
- It was a helluvan exciting weekend of footy. Manchester United showed everyone they are not going down without a fight, with a win over City in the derby. (They also showed everyone they can take man love to heights bigger than… oh, you know where we’re going with this so let’s just stop.)
Guess who? Image via AP Photo
It’s that time of the year again.
That window in the footballing calendar when we are sufficiently (if momentarily) distracted from our pursuit of short tents and fash-fails to cast an eye over the league tables and think about who will win.
Trouble is, Kickettes, we’ve been in the pub for so long now that the title race is nearly locked and loaded. Looking ahead to the final weekends, we’re predicting the top four table finishers based on the face/body talent ratio.
This isn’t about team allegiance, people, this is about cold hard facts. Taking one’s clothes off is inversely related to goal scoring. Peeling back layers earns points. Simple as that.
We realise that in posting this chesticuff scenario we are likely to prompt the kind of scenes in our comments section generally only available on the National Geographic channel. But this is our take on how we envision the remainder of the season panning out. After all, we have a knack for predicting the future.
Chelsea footballer Joe Cole bobbed and weaved around the ring yesterday with bright boxing gloves that matched his own icy blues.
On hand to show support for friend Kevin Mitchell, (who will be fighting Michael Katsidis on May 15th), Joe looked dayum good. No sign of new daddy wear and tear here, friends.
An avid boxing fan, he and wife Carly flew to Vegas last year to see the Hatton-Pacquiao boxing match in person. Clearly someone has been giving him pointers, as he tried on a variety of tough v. tender looks throughout the photo shoot.
Speaking of the photo shoot, which Joe Cole do you prefer? When you want your man to scare the heebeejeebies out of innocent passersby and pitbulls, you want option A. If you’re more into sunflowers, cinemas and the occasional spontaneous trip to EuroDisney, you’re better suited for option B.
Choose wisely, Kickettes.
- It’s about 10 weeks until summer officially starts and Sporting’s Grimi Damian reminds us that even sunscreen application is essential for protecting skin from harmful rays and avoiding public embarrassment.
- For the record, we have come to terms with the whole Frank Lampard/Christine Bleakley thing. Does this mean we are embracing Bleakers as Frankie’s lady? Mmm… kinda. Ish. Either way, we’re still irritated by the Daily Mail implying that the couple’s meal after Chelsea’s 1-0 EPL win over Bolton Wanderers last night was somehow spoiled by the presence of Christine’s mum. Did mother-in-law gags not phase out at the same time as working men’s clubs and comb-overs? Well, they should’ve.
- Meanwhile, a sneak preview of Chelsea’s new kit has become available. A+for the snug fit, but why have the players been forced to pose as Subbuteo players? Was it the same reason Nando was forced to pose as a lady in Liverpool’s new kit pics? We smell conspiracy theory.
- The Spoiler have moved slightly away from their hairy campaign and reverted to cutie pie pictures of ballers. However. The first thing we thought was how weird it was to see Wayne Rooney. With hair. That he didn’t draw himself.
- Here’s David Beckham in the 1990’s. Sigh. Those WAATP boys always know how to take care of us.