'FAIL Files' Category

Kickette Fail Files: Franck Ribery, Bayern Munich

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A bit of a quandary for us today. While perusing the day’s images for inclusion in one of our many popular categories, a highly disturbed Kickette intern’s scream alerted us to the presence of this disturbing sight – Franck Ribery and his pants. (Image via bild)

She is now undergoing treatment for post traumatic stress disorder, but the rest of us hardened bishes have no time for such frivolity. Where does this image belong? Is it evidence for the prosecution in a FAIL FILE case? Is it a plea for clemency in a Dressed At Gunpoint post? Should it be tied to a stake and burned?

Much confusion abounded, but eventually our bravest staffer donned a hazmat suit, grabbed said photo with a pair of tongs and asserted that such undergarments deserved no mitigating circumstances. The Kickette Army will not tolerate such undergarment offences. Spurred on by her passion, we made a decision.

Soz, Franck. It’s a FAIL FILE for you.

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Kickette Fail Files: Jon Conway, Toronto FC

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It was his final throw. As Jon Conway prepared himself he knew only a thirty metre distance was sufficient to take the crown of Olympic Man Chucker. He took a deep breath and began to spin. (AP Photo/Daylife)

Yes ladies, it’s that time again. Follow us to our happy place, where we can avail you of the asshattery and buffoonery that is apparently rampant in our beautiful game. Today we visit Canada, where Toronto FC’s Jon Conway is demonstrating an entirely new approach to goalkeeping.

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Kickette Fail Files: Ezequiel Lavezzi, Napoli

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It’s unusual for us to be disappointed when we find a man in this position. But there’s a first for everything. (Getty Images/Zimbio)

Ok. Because it’s Friday we’re prepared to take at least part of the blame for this one. We accept that in a previous post we *may* have set unrealistic expectations by alerting you guys to the general manliness that is Ezequiel Lavezzi. His muscles. His tattoos. His fearlessness in the fray that resulted in some sort of facial injury.

But while we did threaten the use of a stun gun in our last encounter with the man, we must confess that in fact our stun guns were seized (along with a significant quantity of cake and alcohol) during the last police raid of Kickette HQ. We have no firepower. What you see above is all him.

You’ve let us down, Lavezzi. Your case will now be heard.

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Kickette Fail Files: Bastian Schweinsteiger

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And… stretch those muscles. Bastian warms up for the game. (Getty Images/Daylife)

Things have been pretty tough at Bayern Munich this season.  Four wins from eleven games sees the champions in a lowly ninth position in the Bundesliga and with injuries to key players, they don’t look to be turning their poor start around any time soon.

For the benefit of the club though, manager Louis Van Gaal has insisted that good morale is vital if the club is going to mount a realistic challenge for the title.  Some players have embraced this notion with more enthusiasm (and success) than others. Bastian? Please approach the bench for your Fail File hearing.

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Kickette Fail Files: Martin Caceres, Sevilla

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As gravity does it’s thing, Martin realises that grass burn on the face is going to be a tough look to pull off. (AP Photo/Daylife)

As we continue our examination of the inept, the hapless and bizarre in football, we continue to realise that for every example of superb striking, goalkeeping greatness and defensive distinction there is an episode of asshattery that simply cannot be ignored. This is the place for those players to get their recognition, people. Applaud them, for without their endeavours our game would be perhaps be ‘better’ but far less entertaining.
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