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Top 5 WAG Fashion Disasters of 2007

As we look back on 2007 with fond champagne-soaked memories of sneaking into player’s lounges with hidden cameras inside our push-up bras, stalking the Beckhams over several continents and shopping until our stilettos turned to dust, we are 1. in need of a detoxifying vacay, and 2. ready to address our favourite fashion road kill moments of the year.

With so many to choose from, this was not an easy task, but it’s important to give back to the ladies who inspire us daily to do better, shop better, be better… consumers.

Below, our top five WAG fashion disasters of the year. 

5. Call us old-fashioned, but we prefer that people remember the bottom halves of their outfits when leaving the house.  For this reason alone, Victoria Beckham’s choice of attire for the Glamour awards is on the list. 

Throw in fingerless motorcycle gloves and a teensy weensy pointless white tux shrug and we’re done. 

Do not fall for the high fashion argument, Kickettes.  Take a moment to imagine heading out the door to the red carpet wearing only a corset and a pair of ‘taupe’ tights.

Feel the breeze rattling around your nethers whilst walking to the stage to collect your award.  Feel the anguish of your ancestors turning in their graves in shame. 

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4. Coleen McLoughlin is the WAG for the people.  The girl-next-door turned multi-gazzilionairess, whom we all adore. 

And sometimes the pressure of being so bloody wealthy and having so many parties to attend and designer shoes to choose from can make you go a little doolally. 

The first sign of crazy always is the hair. 

Within 24 hours of debuting the bouffant- that- looks- like- crazy- on- a- dark- night, Coleen had intelligently washed, rinsed, repeated and blow dried back to standard. 

But still. 

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3. It took us by surprise, it did.  Toni Poole’s wedding dress was unlike nothing we had ever seen, nor imagined for the lovely now-Mrs. Terry. 

But obviously, when one has suffered for their cash prize to the extent that Toni has, the choice to make a declaration of such decorative outrageousness has to be respected.

The dress inspired one of our favourite reader comments: “TONI. OMG. WHY are you wearing something that looks like it belongs in a woman’s uterus?“ 

After spending three times the national debt on your dress, is that the lingering memory you would want your wedding guests to have?  Perhaps.

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2. Heading off to St. Tropez for a mini-break from your terribly taxing non-job? 

Take your cue from Alex Curran-Gerrard and make sure you pack the following staple items:

St. Tropez fake bake to top up the real tan, lip gloss, your nail extension specialist and your chartreuse elasticated waist leisure suit for making many grannies by the pool seethe with jealousy.

Oh, how we wish that underneath those semi-flared trouser legs, Alex was sporting a lovely pair of flesh-coloured court shoes rather than sandals.  Would have set this off to perfection.

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1. Of course, there can only be one winner – and indeed, there can only be one WAG at the top of the heap of designer cast-offs and outfits no other sane human with functioning eyes would wear:

Elen Rives, without you, there would be no joy in this world.  Without you, there would be no way for us to know, without question, that wearing ruffled kneesocks is never an option we can pursue and still love ourselves in the morning.
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Agree? Disagree? Blinded by Alex’s jumpsuit?  Fill us in.

Men in Tights: Frank Lampard

Personally, we think fancy dress parties are the tools of the devil, but to each his own.

Case in point: Frank Lampard in white fishnets. In a public forum.

Frank and his fiancée, Elen Rives went seriously vintage for the Chelsea Christmas party at Stamford Bridge. We think Elen would make a much better Lady Macbeth than Marie Antoinette, but that said, she does look rather swell in that getup, no?

Perhaps it’s just a case of being born in the wrong century. It happens.

More pics after the jump.
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Style Files: Who’s the Best Dressed Baller?

Aside from having trouble finding trousers to fit over their thighs of thunder, most football players should have no excuse for bad fashion.  They’re rich enough to hire someone to think and shop for them (ie, their wives and girlfriends) and they’re supposed to be hip and full of the cool factor.  Yet, so many of them get it so very wrong. 

Let us be more specific with what constitutes wrong: a suit that is the colour of a tropical fruit, dirty-on-purpose jeans and /or glitter on anything.

But enough about the bad, let’s focus on the good.  Our homies over at Machochip recently named their Most Fashionable Sports Stars of the year, with Cristiano Ronaldo coming in third and David Beckham hitting the number 1 spot. 

C-Ron haters, there is no need to bring up the man bags, tight jeans and other such issues. We are all aware.  Again, let’s focus on the good.

We’re sure our regular readers can predict who we think the best dressed (and undressed) baller is out there, but who gets your vote?  Do you like the flash of Didier Drogba’s black paisley suits?  Thierry Henry’s cool sophisto style? Or do you just admire Crouchie’s ability to find jeans that fit?

We give it to Becks, but we also think Rio Ferdinand, Luis Figo, Kaka and Thierry Henry deserve some style snaps.

Pantsless in Liverpool: Steven Gerrard

Steven Gerrard is anti-undies.  Apparently, everyone’s favourite Red is a card carrying member of the commando club – who would have thunk it?

News is out that SG used to turn up regularly at the Royal University hospital in Liverpool for groin scans with his groin, well, very ready to be scanned.  The nurses on staff admit to having been quite shocked by the pantslessness at first, but soon became accustomed to Stevie’s flashy ways. Well done them.

For Christmas this year, several of them splurged on a three-pack of briefs from the Gap and gave it to Stevie, which he found quite amusing.

Not wearing drawers may be the key to success though: Steven won the Most Stylish Sporting Star and Icon gongs recently at the Juice FM’s Awards. (We have no idea either).  He thanked his mate Jamie Carragher for hooking him up in Style 101:

“If it wasn’t for him badgering me about my dress sense and hair cut then I wouldn’t be standing before you today. So ‘thank you Jamie’.”

Coleen McLoughlin won for Most Stylish Scouser, btw. No word on Mrs. Gerrard’s placement in the rankings.

WTF Files: Frank Lampard’s Jeans

Frank Lampard was out at London hot spot Mahiki last night drinking and macking with his cousin Jamie Redknapp.  The two were reportedly quite well behaved and settled their four-figure bar bill with ease before heading off home.  However, once outside, Frank was approached by a random chick who made a beeline for his crotch.

Frank then found himself in his second sticky situation as he stepped outside into the clutches of a mystery woman.

“She walked straight into him,” an onlooker said. “But it was strange, her hand went for his crotch. Frank seemed keen to get away.”

Was she an image consultant desperate to hide the denim disaster?  A crazed fan just looking to get her lonely Tuesday night grope on?  A bit of both? 

More importantly, are these stains on the jeans a result of a drink being spilt? That’s the general speculation, but we’re concerned they’re a style statement. Lest we forget Elen Rives’ dirty denim blitz of last month.  New trend alert, Kickettes: unwashed, embedded in dirt and covered in foreign liquids is hot for Winter 07/08.

More pics here.

image: wenn
cheers S!