'Hook Ups' Category

Cristiano Ronaldo: Golden Kisses, Married Women

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Non-news broke over the weekend that Cristiano has been dating a married woman named Alonya Haynes. The pair were spotted out at dinner recently, and their bonding moments over text message were discovered – and made public – by Alonya’s multi-millionaire hubby. 

“There were things like ‘Do you miss me baby? I miss you’. I just assumed she was playing around with a waiter who had just arrived from Portugal. I had no idea it was him.”

Frankly, we’re thrilled that Cristiano is back to his playboy dating ways – that whole episode with whatsherface this summer took a lot out of us. And let’s not be so quick to judge Alonya’s actions. Perhaps she simply needed more abs than her husband was willing to give; is that such a crime?

Side note: this weekend an emotional Cristiano picked up his Ballon d’Or trophy and told waiting press that he was very happy at Manchester United and wanted to win many more accolates as a Red Devil. As you can see, he chose to accept his award wearing clothes. Shame on you, C-Ron. Double shame.

Link: Meet Cristiano Ronaldo’s New Ukrainian Girlfriend

Jermain Defoe: Man-Ho of the Year

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We’re declaring Portsmouth’s Jermain Defoe as our 2008 Man Whore of the Year.  It’s quite an achievement.

What’s brought on this sudden and (some might argue), premature victory?  After all, there are still a good six weeks left in the year for another player to sweep in with a gaggle of hoochies and take the title. (Btw, where’s vintage C-Ron when you need him, damn it?) 

We’ll tell you.  The news that Jermain has started dating Chantelle Houghton has made us feel secure enough to make this formal statement. 

Now, we love and respect our readers too much to provide any coverage on the “career” or personality of Miss Houghton, but let’s leave it to her ex-friend, Danielle Lloyd (who also dated Jermain) to sum up her market value:

“If Jermain wants her, he’s welcome to her. She’s not like me — she’s like Woolworths.”

We have no idea what the hell that means. But we think it’s supposed to be a snap of some kind.

Anyhoo, by calling out Jermain as King of all that is Skank, we are not advocating that professional footballers should remain holy and pure and stay home most evenings playing relaxing games of Candyland with a glass of non-sparkling water – far from it.

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Whatsherface Opens the C-Ron Vault

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Normally we wouldn’t support such a shameless courting of the media, but the re-emergence of Nereida Gallardo and her decision to speak out about her relationship with Cristiano Ronaldo is too good not to share.  Take it away, whatsherface!

On skankdom: “He is very good in bed. That’s why I was with him. We had sex the first night we met.“

On the rewards: Apparently, Cristiano “lavished” her with expensive gifts including a designer handbag and an Armani belt.  Er?  Are those even worthy of mention?

On Manchester: “The city is a little bit sad and the nightclubs close early. Life was only PlayStation, movies on TV and sex. But his house is impressive, with three floors.“

On getting dumped: She was sent a text message.  “I was upset by the way he finished the relationship, which to me seems 100 per cent cowardly. He is very immature.“

Link: Cristiano Ronaldo Dumped Me By Text Message

Is Owen Hargreaves Back on the Market?

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image courtesy of EMPICS/KEYSTONE Press

It looks like Owen Hargreaves and his long time girlfriend Janelle Khouri are no longer together.

We’ve yet to dig up a 100% verification on this bit of goss, but come to think of it, we don’t remember seeing Janelle heading off to Moscow in May with the rest of the WAGs during the Champions League Final.  There were a few whispers around that time that all was not well between the two. 

We’re going to go out on a limb and speculate that the reason they broke up was because of Owen’s debilitating addiction to fruit-flavoured beverages and refusal to share his secret non-frizz curl enhancing beauty products with the mass market.

No? Okay, moving on.

OH is now rumoured to be dating sports reporter Georgie Thompson. We’ll keep you posted.

The Hook Up: Cristiano Ronaldo/Random Brunette

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image via NPG

Well, it looks like Cristiano’s over Whatsherface McBoobies.

The latest news coming out of Hollywood – where CR is currently businessing/vacationing – is that he hooked up with a hot brunette (not Nereida) and headed back to his hotel room with her around 2am.

But let’s not jump to conclusions.  Perhaps Cristiano just wanted to show her his collection of man bags.

Btw, C-Ron haters, move along from this post without expressing your distaste. For those of us who appreciate, we would rather not have our eye-feast interrupted by being reminded of hair grease, arrogance, slavery and so forth.  Spoils the mood.