'Hook Ups' Category

welcome to the club: Gemma Atkinson


Oh we give up.

When we first heard rumours that Cristiano Ronaldo was dating Hollyoaks actress Gemma Atkinson we tittered cynically into our daiquiris and rolled our eyes. As if.

We haven’t watched Hollyoaks since, well, never. And she’s cute, but… not that cute, right? This is the C-dog we’re talking about.

But yet, once again, we’ve been shown that we don’t know squat about anything. We think we do, but we do not.

Cristiano and Gemma have been dating after they met at a party in Manchester. She’s “very happy” with how things have been going. “I don’t have a thing for footballers,“ she’s insisted. Hmmm. Didn’t she used to go out with Marcus Bent a la Charlton?

Sony BMG has just offered her a record contract. She’s had a well-publicised boob job. She does boxing training.


To finish, after she said that she understood why other women might be jealous of her relationship with Cristiano, Gemma added, “They do have great bodies though!“

Honey, you’re preaching to the choir in the church that we built.

Link: Gemma Atkinson Official Site

Link: Hollyoaks Babe – Ron’s My Gem

Djbril and Jude: Old Love Rules


image: getty

There is still hope you mouldy oldies over the age of twenty-one.

Case in point: Djibril Cisse and wife Jude Littler. She’s thirty. She used to be a hairdressing “consultant” and she’s from some island off the coast of Wales. They got married in 2005 at Bodelwyddan Castle, with a host of footy guests: Theirry Henry, Zizou, etc.

One minor thing, though: he sort of beat the crap out of her when she was pregnant (allegedly*). He was given a caution and they lived happily ever after.

But if you can get over that, you’re in.

*On a seperate note, how great is the word, “allegedly”? It’s like a magic eraser phrase that says, “don’t sue” so nicely.

news flash: marriage solves all personal issues

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Bulgarian premier leaguer Ivelin Popov has been ordered by his bosses to get married next year. Concerned that his behaviour is out of control, they think a nice ball and chain will work wonders to calm his fast ass down.

Let us pre-empt this reportage to ask: do these people actually know any footy players? Pushing marriage as a solution to errant ways? For real? We best be off to try and sell them the wonderful magic beans we found in the back garden.

Continuing on, surely Mr. Popov is just doing what comes natural for young ballers: they spend money like it’s tap water, gallivant ‘til dawn with the lay-dies and express anger in unmanaged angry ways. The dude is nineteen and making trailerloads of cash. His hormones are barely under his own control – how dare they try to put a stopper on his need to be an idiot?

Incredibly, Popov says he’s ready to settle down and will “accept the order.“

“Don’t remind me my past, please…I know I’m a very bad boy and I want to meet my 20th birthday as a married man.“

We’d love to give you more information about Ivelin’s exploits, but most of the stuff we found was in foreign languages, and we barely speak English as it is. In fact, we’re really quite scared to Google him, in case he’s an un-cutie, or worse, a ginger. We’re going to live with our chosen image of Popsy as a cross between Fabio Cannavaro and Zizou. Ah, that works nicely.

Link: Bulgarian Player Ordered To Get Married By Club

*UPDATE* So, we found the damn picture. We wish we hadn’t. Keep living happily in fantasy, or check him out here .

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WAG watch: Daria Zhukova

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It’s nice when true love stands the test of time, ain’t it?

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich and bit-on-the-side Daria Zhukova are splitsville.

Russian newspapers are reporting that “Dasha” has been crying to her friends and telling them that her glory days as Mistress To All That Is Filthy Stinking Rich are over.

It will be interesting to see if wife Irina will back off with her alleged divorce plans – Roms is denying the claims that she’s been visiting lawyers.

We’re much more interested in placing bets on who socialite Dasha ends up with next. Our money is on someone rich.

Or old and rich.

But definitely rich.

We mentioned the richness, yes?

Send in the Accountants: Roman Abramovich


Oh, Lord help he who scorns a footy wife.

May he be doomed to a life of squalid dwellings consisting of only 6 bedrooms, and forced to pay his ex-wife monthly expenses that could sustain the economy of several third world countries.

Soccer gazillionaire and non-hottie Roman Abramovich looks to be facing the biggest divorce settlement in history when his wife Irina finishes taking his jet-setting so-rich-it-hurts-our-brain, ass to the cleaners.

A week ago, reports started surfacing in the tabloids about Rom’s extramartial gallavanting. His inability to secure a gag order with the press has resulted in all the dirty Gucci linen being hung out to dry. Wife Irina is Pissed.

And for good reason – she’s had five of this dude’s kids, suffered through God knows how many dinner conversations where Rom tries to explain the offside rule, and now he’s running her previously unknown name through the mud? He must be punished.

We’re talking about mountains of cash, yachts, mansions, cars. One of his boats is bulletproof and has its own submarine. He has a