Having spent the weekend biting our nails over as yet undecided leagues, compiling the F5 results and giving ourselves the Jaffa Cakes shakes, things are a bit tense at Kickette HQ. We won’t deny it. Punches Words have been exchanged. Handbags have been thrown. Hip dips have been cried over.
In this kind of situation, usual advice would be to evacuate the area while the riot squad move in, but it’s way too late for that. Ladies, grab yourself a bucket of espresso, a nail file and a fistful of Inter Milan’s Marko Arnautovic (above) and follow us over the jump for more.
Psst. Better get out of the way, Marko, or we’ll consume you and your provocative little tummy like so much chocolate cake.
Dear readers, the battle of the Titans is upon us. No, not Inter v. Barca or even Bayern v. Lyon, but something much more important than that.
We’re talking about the fashion face-off that’s about to go down on the pitch perimeters. Tonight, two of the best looking managers in football, Pep Guardiola (Barcelona) and José “The Special One” Mourinho (Inter Milan), are going head-to-head in the style stakes.
Le sigh. What is it about these two? Their yelling, pacing and mad scientist gesturing whilst in designer gear is like a mating call for the modern footy woman.
So, let’s get down to judging. We’ve got a few criteria to take into consideration:
As half of Europe remains shut down due to a volcano taking inspiration from Jermain Defoe’s auto activities, let’s take a quick bulleted look over what we took notice of this weekend. Since we’re becoming obsessed with the Icelandic spouter and mother nature’s ability to mess up a continent, we’re also going to try and use the word Eyjafjallajökull at every possible moment.
- The news that Fernando Torres is out for the rest of the season hurt us like a broken nail after a new manicure. The possibility that he could miss the World Cup was much more traumatic: more like running into an ex whilst shoving a jam doughnut down your gob and wearing your “laundry day” house clothes. With a pimple the size of Eyjafjallajökull. And a pair of knickers falling out of the bottom of your laundry day trousers as you gallantly walk past.
- Luckily, there’s still hope Nando will make it to South Africa. Thank Eyjafjallajökull.
- It was a helluvan exciting weekend of footy. Manchester United showed everyone they are not going down without a fight, with a win over City in the derby. (They also showed everyone they can take man love to heights bigger than… oh, you know where we’re going with this so let’s just stop.)
Photos of the Villa family should really come with a warning since every time we see this doting dad posing for precious moments with his girls, we find it harder and harder to keep the contraceptive faith.
Seeing this happy, well-accessorized family leaves us with no choice but to bump these budding beauties to the top of the ‘baller baby charts. And that’s no easy feat seeing we still have the end of season, ‘my kid’s a show pony’ parade yet to occur. (Yippee!)
Before we run out to fetch matching diamante crowns, let us know whose hair do you admire most? Zaida’s peppy pigtails, Olaya’s double barrettes holding three strands of hair or David’s surprisingly serene soul patch?
The Kickette ethical code of honour states one has a right to just treatment and a responsiblity to ensure justice for others.
And so, we must draw on the aforementioned code due to grave concerns for our retinas. Iker Casillas’s clothes have gone from bad to worse: one glance at Iker’s sexy Spanish self leaving his home in this getup could cause temporary blindness.
To ensure we don’t all get a raw deal on vision in time of a manbagged crisis, we have a message for him: people must first help themselves before they can help others.
Our advice is to quit the Inspector Gadget re-runs cold turkey and step away from Facebook’s FarmVille. Then, do us all a favour and get yourself together, hombre.
Love and Carbs hurt. Fashion shouldn’t.