We live in dangerous times, Kickettes. In today’s world, snark plus sirius bizniz can be a minefield. Our infamous office might be packed with women experienced in the arts of explosive management and/or removing stubborn mudstains from cotton mix, but even we know that when bad news breaks, waiting until the full story/truth/both sides are revealed is the only way to avoid the backspray.
Today, we aim to test this theory to it’s limits by examining the unhappy case of Olympique de Marseille footballer, Brandão (full name Evaeverson Lemos da Silva), and his recent indictment.
Last Tuesday, the 30-year-old Brazilian player was arrested at his home after a 23-year-old female accused him of having ‘raped her in his car’ at a motorway rest stop some days prior. According to conflicting reports, the pair either spent the entire evening of 2nd March together at a night club in Aix-en-Provence before departing in tandem or Brandão was merely being a good Samaritan by offering to give the stranded stranger a lift home.
Events since then have been hectic, to say the least.
Roma’s Totti kicks things off for us with a full shirt-removal-and-swing. Image: Getty Images/Zimbio.
With Barcelona, AC Milan and Borussia Dortmund dominating their respective leagues, our wildly imaginative writers are running out of superlatives. Desperate times call for us taking umbrage in the form of a hastily written and strongly-worded memo, which each league is now in receipt of as we seek to come to a joint resolution on the matter.
We also grumbled about the lack of skin on show as of late, and are pleased to report that many clubs have already embraced our directive with enthusiasm.
Mmm, purrrty and practical. Just like us. (Image via footy-boots.com)
Quite clearly, Alan Ball had absolutely no idea what he was unleashing onto the footballing world when he stepped out onto the pitch in a pair of white boots in 1970.
Back then, the world wasn’t ready for such outlandish gestures in footwear and forty one years later, despite the best efforts of David Beckham, Nicklas Bendtner (left) and Cristiano Ronaldo, we feel we are still not fully prepared for Paris Saint Germain centre-back Mamadou Sakho and his Swarovski crystal encrusted Nikes.
(Image via Zimbio)
We’re just not.
Don’t get us wrong. The idea of showing our love for our favourite things by gluing five thousand crystals to them is very appealing (our pets are less keen, for the record) but we fear this may be taking conspicuous consumption to a new and very alarming level.
Fortunately, these particular items are a one off, commissioned by Monsieur Sakho to celebrate his selection into the French NT. Less fortunately, Cristiano will have seen these and is probably planning some sort of Gucci-inspired, diamond studded, leatherette rebuff as we speak.
Is this the most perfect photo in the history of football? For our purposes, yes. Yes, it is. (Image: Getty Images/Zimbio)
Regardless of your club affiliations, you have to admit that it was a cracking few days of football.
No? Oh, come on. Just try. For us.
While you may be rueing missed opportunities, dodgy refereeing decisions or the inconsistency of the form tables, you have to admit this weekend’s results from the EPL, Serie A and Ligue 1 have blown the respective title races wide open. With vital fixtures in the Champions League still to come, plus league cups and the inevitable scandals that players are obliged to involve themselves in, we are stocking up on popcorn for a fab couple of months of footie.
No? Alright. Be like that then.
Image: REUTERS/Eddie Keogh.
Seriously, we’re starting to feel persecuted now. It’s hard enough to keep track of the Weekend Results as it is, without the English FA continually running interference in the form of League Cup finals in the middle of an EPL fixtures schedule. Apparently there was some sort of movie awards thing going on, too. Sigh.
The chance of us getting through this post without confusion arising is diminishing by the second. Please be aware of this and we can limit the unpleasantness to a dull roar.