'Ligue 1' Category

Weekend Observations: Waistlines and Big Wins


AC Milan Marco Borriello

Who ate so much this past extended weekend that they have chocolate oozing from their pores?

That’s a trick question, since we all know the answer. Especially the elasticated waistbands we’re bringing back for spring/summer 2010.

Not sure about you, Kickettes, but the holiday-weekend-that-was reminded us that too much family time makes us feel as crabby as Marco Borriello looks. Thank goodness for the edge-of-our-seats series of footy matches fighting for our love and attention in equal amounts as a certain great aunt with a moustache.

Since we were recklessly hungover on Monday, enjoy our abbreviated weekend results/observations/offerings today:


Champions League Results: Look-A-Like Thoughts & Yellow, Non-Mellow Reactions


Lisandro of Lyon Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas

Can anyone believe it’s April, already? Clearly, Cesc can’t.

Although yesterday we were recommending Abbey Clancy’s curry diet to drop a few extra kilos before the summer, we’ve since changed our minds. We are now fully on board with the Champions League weight loss method through extreme stress, adrenaline and nervous twitches. Hello, skinny jeans!

While you plan your bikini weeklies, feel free to have a look at our CL observations from the past two days. Meanwhile, we’re going to seek a live-in nurse to administer an IV of alcohol for the remaining portion of the tournament. Hey, we’re just following Lisandro’s orders to put our thinking caps on.


Lazy Links & Randoms


Pep Guardiola

Leo Messi carChampions League part 2 is tonight and Pep’s tongue is ready for action. Hee. Will Leo Messi arrive brown trousers style? Let’s hope he ditches the Mini Cooper in time as it’s seriously ruining his mojo. Let’s not go near the footwear.

- Although initial reports have Wayne Rooney’s injury taking him out for 2-4 weeks, at this stage, nothing has been formally confirmed. FYI, seeing one of the world’s best players limping off the pitch in obvious pain ranks pretty highly on our “bitch, please!” scale.

Editor Note: Kickette’s often imitated, hardly duplicated two-night results observations returns tomorrow. Expect heightened levels of manflesh debauchery.

- Sylvie Van der Vaart revealed a stunningly chic pixie crop cut – the first time she’s been out without her post-chemo wig. Rafa did it for her! Bless.

- Unsolved Real Madrid mysteries: what part of middle America is the Higuain family really from, y’all? [Photo Spot Courtesy of Don  da Bola]

- Alex Gerrard says she isn’t taking diet pills. Her much-discussed clogs are from River Island.

- Francesco Totti from A to Z? Sure, we’ll take that. Twice.

- Yikes. Everton’s Dan Gosling is out for nine months with a knee injury.

- Where should Jose Mourinho go next? (We wanted to say ‘our house’, but that option isn’t available.)

- Maradona gets bitten by his dog. Can we get a reality TV show hook up here or what?

Raul Albiol Real Madrid- Thanks to our astute readers, we are reminded that while Albiol celebrated the birth of his second daughter Alma in January, we had yet to see the 2-month-old out and about. The happy family was spotted in Madrid recently with their hands full of rosy pink.

The Midweek Manlove: Get A Room (And Leave Us The Spare Key)


Images: AP Photo, Getty Images

It works like this: until we’ve figured out why the image of two grown heterosexual men fondling one another has quite the effect on our loins that it does, we’re duty bound to continue to supply these images to you. And don’t be mistaken, Kickettes, today’s manlove is double their fun, triple our pleasure.We’re gluttons for ravenous brotherly love.

On the left, we see the ever lovely Yoann Gourcuff (Bordeaux), who is so proud of his nipples he wants to show them to Lyon’s Jeremy Toulalan. Jeremy demonstrates his happiness at this by stroking them. A few days ago we might have said a tad over-friendly. Then this happened. Welcome to the new nipple-norm.

On the right, Bojan Krkic (Barcelona) plays an emotionally lovelorn senorita reduced to vertical tears when faced with teammate Andres Iniesta’s tantalizing touch. Bless.

Frank Lampard and John TerryFinally, did you guys always have a nagging feeling that the whole Frank Lampard/John Terry relationship was secretly one-sided? We did. That’s why it’s so good to see the two of them at-it-like-old-non-cheating-times. It’s just unadulterated manlove. And leave it to Frankie & JT to get. it. done.

So, whatddya say, ‘baller boys? Is it the ho-tel, mo-tel or Holiday Inn?

Weekend Results: Exciting And… Erotic


Spring has sprung ladies, and as we all know, in Springtime a young footballer’s thoughts turn to love. Or, in the case of Celtic’s Josh Thompson, something else entirely. We are not the only ones to think this goal celebration looks a bit, well, thorough, are we?

Anyway, Robbie seems pleased. The matter has been referred to the Kickette Short Tent Institute and we will revert in due course.