'Match Results' Category

Euro 2012 In Pictures: Denmark vs Portugal, Netherlands vs Germany


The Euro 2012 Group O’ Death action soldiered on Wednesday and here’s our two cents about it:

Denmark: So, we know next to nothing about this team. Except that Bendy wore green pants that we’ve never seen before. We thought we’d seen all of his pants, so we’ll go with that.

Portugal: Some of the players need several soft-bristle brushes and a good conditioner to properly prep for game days. An excess of testosterone bodes well in footy matches, but when Ronaldo doesn’t have the energy or desire to whore out his body, you know he’s had a bad day.

Netherlands: Wesley Sneijder’s torso. And that tattoo. Oranje fans have suffered with this enough but Ibrahim Afellay is so refreshingly cute, he makes us want to skip through meadows and wear petticoats.

Germany: Well, they had this loveliness up front. Also up front, Mats Hummels. We assumed teams only needed one muscle-bound, vein-bulging footballer to win a game. So, congrats on that.

Euro 2012 Photo Call: The Best Bulge Won


Judging by David Limbersky’s reaction, yesterday’s Greece 1-2 Czech Republic game was one that involved much thrusting, clenching and groin-growing.

If that’s not a match-winning attitude, we don’t know what is.

Euro 2012 Not Yet In Pictures: France 1-1 England


Sailing cheerily over the waves of misery the rest of the press are drowning in, we only pretend to understand stuff like dodgy defensive play and wasted possession. Why should we bother to rehash the mechanics of a straightforward draw when we can wonder aloud whether Sami Nasri’s “ssshhh” gesture was aimed at us because we laughed at his pants?

A gallery featuring our POV of France’s 1-1 draw with En-ger-land is being prepared as we write, but don’t cut off oxygen to your brains anytime soon. The gallery software we’re grappling with still hates us y’see, and the feeling is rapidly becoming mututal.


Leo Messi: The Unstoppable Vex Machine


Any suggestions as to how opposition teams are going to stop Leo Messi from scoring? He bagged yet another hat-trick against Brazil in a friendly Saturday night, conjuring up GianLuca Vialli’s jest about curtailing Thierry Henry’s pitch prowess from years ago in our heads (as well as his famed mustached/bearded baby face).

If Messi had to, could he play in flip flops? With his legs tied together? Drunk?

Or do you think any and all attempts to prevent Leo from making several deposits in the goal bank each week would be futile?

One more, why not: how long can he keep this up until Antonella gets wind of his stockpile’s spendable-at-the-shops currency conversion rates (exclusively offered for priority bank customers only)?


The Tuesday Two-For-One: Andriy Shevchenko, Ukraine


No one loves liquid lunches, dinners and midnight snacks more than us, Kickettes. But three straight days of ‘em finally did us in during last night’s Ukraine vs Sweden game, which means that sadly, we don’t have a recap or gallery stuffed with hi-res Ibra hair photos for you to gloss through.

Take Sheva’s torso and inner thighs as a doubly pleasurable consolation prize and don’t write our Mums telling them what a crap job they did raising us, please?