'Match Results' Category

Zenit St Petersburg: Pride & Nekkidness


Vyajeslav Malofeev, Bruno Alves and Vladimir Bistrov take a quiet moment to reflect on their achievement.

Usually the news that Zenit St Petersburg had won the Russian League Championship would slip under our previously discussed and notably crap radar system. (Have you ever tried to operate radar when drunk? No, didn’t think so.)

But it’s amazing what a bit of naked flesh will do to perk up our interest in comparatively obscure football competitions. Zenit beat FC Rostov 5-0 to win the title with two games to spare and the players celebrated in the time honoured, Kickette approved manner of taking their clothes off. Their fans celebrated in the totally asshat, Kickette rejected manner of invading the pitch and then engaging in running battles with police. (Reuters/Daylife)

Congrats on snatching shame from the jaws of local pride there, lads!

Weekend Results: Apologies & Upsets


AC Milan’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic. This man is the gift that just keeps on giving, no? (Getty Images/Zimbio)

This morning, we would like to begin the Weekend Results post with a pledge. In future we shall try to avoid making statements on the good form or otherwise of a particular club. While it is vaguely amusing to see the application of our collective football knowledge shown up for what it is, we realise that continual damning of form clubs into the depths of embarrassment *may* alienate us from our readers. We offer our apologies to Chelsea fans in particular, a club whose form we recently described as imperious across all competitions.



Put ‘Em Up: Those Midweek EPL Clashes In Full


There’s a big fight in Manchester this weekend, in case you didn’t know. Audley Harrison takes on David Haye in what is being billed as one of the most anticipated heavyweight clashes in recent history.

Apparently this fact has not escaped the EPL players this week either and despite the freezing temperatures the testosterone duly flowed in the midweek fixtures. Intriguingly it wasn’t just the usual suspects cheerily offering up their dukes, a couple of fresh faces entered the fray too.

We thought we would enter into the spirit of things by analysing some of the more exciting clashes for you and offer our decision on the outcome after perusing the evidence. Normal service will be resumed when we have sobered woken up.


Weekend Results: A Confession


Serie A, Ladies & Gents. Where manlove was born. (Reuters/Daylife)

Soooo, we have a small confession-ette to make. The EPL followers among you may have noticed that during Birmingham City’s 2-2 draw with West Ham on Saturday, the sprinkler system inexplicably ‘switched itself on’ (left). This resulted in some players and the referee getting wet. We would like to state that it was indeed, as some of you may have suspected, a Kickette soldier girl who twiddled with the necessary plumbing. (Getty/Daylife)

It’s true.** And we would like to reassure you that while it appeared to be a bit of a let down (limited shirt clinging), this was merely a dress rehearsal in our eternal quest for damp footballers. All we’ll say for now is that it’s El Classico in a few weeks and we’ve got our wrench.

As you were.


Champions League Results: The Excitement (& Bendy) Is Mounting


Benfica’s Javier Garcia has been reading his Kickette Manual. Chapter One: Meeting Yoann Gourcuff (Reuters/Daylife)

Like the Kickette Home Brew we’ve got festering in the broom cupboard for the Christmas party, this year’s Champions League is really starting to hot up. Please join us for a vintage round up of Match Day 4 fixtures. And if we suddenly stop posting for any reason over the next few days, bear with us. There’s some weirdy noises and smells coming from that end of the office. We’ve nominated an intern and prepared her for any eventuality. She’s going in. Bless her.