Do you fancy men keeping their eyes open or closed whilst locked in a lovingly bromantic embrace?

It’s a serious question that deserves serious answers, Kickettes.

Do you loff Helen’s dress as much as we do? Images via Dave M. Benett/Getty Images Europe and Style.com.

Raul, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and their Schalke 04 team-mates spent the day today visiting the Auguste-Victoria coal mine in Marl, Germany to build team spirit and to show the solidarity with their supporters. Image: Reuters.

Image: planete-asm.fr.

Retired Serie A footballer turned Ligue 2 club manager, Marco Simone, has the most interesting hairstyle – if “style” is even the right word to call it?

You think those haven’t-been-washed-in-weeks strands are all really his? Or is this the effed up work of a hair piece?

If Marco’s bedhead didn’t sprout from his own scalp, well then, he should look into getting a refund.

Like, immediately.

GB’s legs can only treat one customer at a time so please grab a number and get in line behind us.

Michael Ballack was sporting this immensely fetching costume when he visited The Arts Club in Mayfair on Tuesday night. David Beckham & Prince Harry were spotted outside the same establishment as well – but just one night later.

Office holiday parties. Going to any, Kickettes?

Since we already go out drinking together two to three times a week – at least – it’s safe to say we’ll probably be throwing ourselves a bash of some kind soon.  Even if it’s just the half dozen of us drunkenly shouting for the corner kebab stand to open up at 2 a.m. for their “very best customers” whom they only see every other Saturday night, it’ll still count as our annual celebration.

Now footballers and their team-mates, well, they do things differently. Santa hats and costumes, for example, play a part. Charity and amateur gift wrapping could be other things found on a footy club’s itinerary. And when it comes to WAGs, it’s always a split decision if they come or stay home.

In our own experiences and observations this month alone, there’s typically three kinds of parties that get us in the Crimbo mood the most.

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1. Getting Sloshed The Simple, Unsuspicious Way

Image Credit: Cavendish Press.

Manchester United and Stoke City were two teams that didn’t bother with the giant blowout kind of night, opting (or being forced by the PR department) instead for relatively harmless and wholesome guys-only fun (sort of). Skin was covered for aesthetic – not winter related – reasons and nearly all attendees were standing on two feet without supervision around the time of last call.

A collared shirt, neatly-pressed denim and a long-sleeved top tailored specifically to hug the hell out of a footballer’s forearms was the go-to uniform for these relaxed nights out.

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2. Couples Rule, Singles Make Us Drool

Arsenal and AC Milan went with the ‘stilettos & style’ meme this year, encouraging their players’ partners to tag along/keep their men on a tight leash. Unattached players had to fend off paparazzi flashbulbs and wayward zippers all by themselves.

Now we’re talking!

Robin & Buchra van Persie, Mikel Arteta & Lorena Bernal and Theo Walcott & Melanie Slade were some of the tame twosomes who flooded Whiskey Misk last night only to be outdone by AC Milan’s wallet a few thousand miles away.

And where there’s no fear of a club going bankrupt, there’s photos of rich and single ‘ballers that you don’t want to miss. One after another, the Italian first team’s M.O. was to spread well dressed, warm-necked holiday joy to all those who haven’t started their holiday gift shopping yet. And if, when you’re done reading/looking at our pictures, you do decide to going on a shopping spree, it’d be nice of you to pick up something for Massimo Ambrosini’s missus, Paola, who lost part of her dress by the time the clock struck way past her Wednesday evening bedtime.

Lastly, off in Germany somewhere last week, the boys of Werder Bremen stuck to the footy powercouple mandate at their club’s shindig, although it was by far a more casual, stand, smile, step & repeat kind of occasion.

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3. When all else fails, fancy dress parties don’t.

Image via Telegraph.co.uk.

Newcastle and Manchester City we’re about thrift this party season. After all, it’s unbecoming for footballers to blow too much of other people’s money getting their jiggy on.

Clearly that’s a lie.

‘Ballers who awesomely pulled this off included Gareth Barry, Joleon Lescott and Spiderman. Players who looked mildly participatory were Yaya Toure, Nigel de Jong and Mario Balotelli.

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Time’s a tickin’ for us to catch your celebrating crew out & about, Real Madrid/Chelsea/Liverpool/Barcelona/Tottenham/EveryoneElseWeMissed. If the guest list isn’t quite finished for any of these bashes, may we suggest excluding babies and noise makers from the door person’s clip board?  They keep everyone on edge and inhibit the shot-taking aspect of the party.

Just a tip from one group of booze hounds to another.

David and Didier, you don’t always pick up your phones when we call and we hate you for that. Please understand that we need you to be reachable at all times.

We realise this seems like a double standard since we almost always press the silent button after the first ring, no matter who the caller is. If you’d like to discuss this issue further instead of playing phone tag, be sure to leave our inboxes a message and we’ll get back to you when we can.

The retired Manchester United player and his wife attended the Keith Duffy Ball at The Ritz Hotel in Ireland last night. Hubba hubba, Mrs Scholes!

Images: Adidas Football.

Hallelujah, UEFA Euro 2012 has officially kicked off. Many games will be played, many fine men will wear shorts whilst running.  Stamina and shorts in the summer is always a good thing. And with so many matches and players to choose, where should you focus your valuable time and attention?

For the time being, we say David Villa (Spain) and Karim Benzema (France), who are two of the hands and faces modeling the new Adidas Tango 12 – the official match ball of Euro 2012.

Since we needn’t really continue as y’all know the drill, let’s get to analysing.

Did Patricia forget to wrap up his leftovers from dinner at the end of the night or something? Yeesh, what on Earth has gotten into David Villa? That is not a bitchface nor is it a side eye and his barnet is beginning to take on a wig-like look.

We.do.not.want.

Though if you’re a glass half full type of Kickette then you’ll enjoy this advice from a good mate of ours: ’David Villa’s looking pretty moody… and we can all enjoy that!’

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As it’s been recently discussed, France has a wide range of delectables to choose from, depending on your personal preferences. For the sake of this pose off, we’ll take Karim.

Unlike the Soulpatch Sire, Benzema actually made somewhat of an effort in his modeling shot, seemingly spending more than four minutes getting ready for his close-up. He also avoided a full teeth smile, much to our benefit. He’s a healthy shade of happy and we appreciate him letting the actual product take centre stage for a change.

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So who wins the battle of the match balls, fellow Kickettes? Is it too obvious that we’re voting for Karim since he looks a wee bit more put together than David?

Regardless, we like to think that these two are are much more high maintenance than these pictures show. Can’t you just mentally picture the two of them fighting for mirror space whilst primping to the latest LMFAO single?