'Product Shill' Category

‘Ballers & Books: Fernando Torres


Clear the bookshelves, Zlatan and Pepe (and others), Chelsea’s Fernando Torres has (another?) literary masterpiece of his own coming out (again?): ‘Fernando Torres: Number 9′.

Let us put aside the stupid non-highlighted-because-I’m-growing-out-my-roots look Fernando is trying to bring back into favour and talk about the levels of hotness that were sizing us up (yeah right) at today’s autobiography presentation in Madrid.

It’s as if the further his career slips into speculation, his PR peeps jack up the life-size poster sizzle quotient by 50%. The symmetrical stare used in combo with the hair and freckles in that foreground pic? It’s the culmination of our life’s work. It is the reason we were put on this earth. And it is good. If we weren’t unilingual and proud, we would be taking nightly Spanglish classes just so we could say ‘Dios Que Hombre!‘ whilst fanning ourselves, looking heavenward at our bedroom ceilings and squealing like a bunch of idiotettes.

In other words: why by the cow when the product shill milk is fat-free?

Bayern Munich: Shillin’ Shirts


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Having witnessed Wayne Rooney’s ‘acting’ debut last week, we were slightly nervous when this vid of Phillip Lahm, Bastian Schweinsteiger & Thomas Müller flexing their am-dram muscles dropped onto our metaphorical doormat.

However, after several (thousand) views, we can confirm that the boys are considerably more self-assured when shilling Bayern Munich’s new kit than wooden Wazza was with glass in hand, and Phillip Lahm plays an excellent ‘straight’ man to Basti and Thom’s uber cute n’cuddly comedy duo.

There’s a crap UK pantomime just waiting for these three to stroll in and ham it right up. A cheeky pause on (0:30) does nothing to dispel us of this notion.

Kickette Catch Up: Your Weekend Gossip Cheat Sheet


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We are not responsible for any Kickette-rs’ actions that occur while watching Iker Casillas attempt to contain his emotions during a surprise video tribute at last week’s SNT presser.


- Harry Redknapp and Milan Mandaric are set to stand trial for tax evasion at Portsmouth FC in early 2012. The Tottenham Spurs manager has denied all charges.

- Meanwhile Redknapp’s son, Jamie, and his wife Louise, are expected to lose some big bucks once Thomas Cook drops the couple from their travel campaigns in the new year.

- Bayern Munich men + 25 full-cream milk chocolate mini panels? To whom do we make our holiday bonus cheques payable to?


Bromley Bar Codes: But Why?


A non-league English football team is having internet barcodes shaved into their hair ahead of this weekend’s first round FA cup clash.

Wayne Rooney’s hairdresser, Daniel Johnson, is shaving intricate ‘QR codes’ onto the back of the heads of Bromley FC’s first eleven.  Each hair cut takes an hour to achieve and when they are scanned with a smartphone, the barcode will send users to the Betfair Mobile site.

We’re now wondering whether Louis Vuitton would give us free stuff if we did the same for them. And would it be worth it? Hmm.

Puma Kit Launch: We Were There In Spirit


Steven Pienaar isn’t smiling in this photo. This grimace is actually quite normal for someone being deprived of oxygen. Don’t ask how we know that. Image: Tom Dulat/Getty Images for Puma.

Yet another important engagement we missed recently was the launch of Puma’s kits for the Africa Cup Of Nations at the London Design Museum. This was annoying for many reasons, but most notably because of the hot player quotient the sponsor had gathered for the event.