Disturbing and insanely cute in equal measure, this vid of a select gang of Barca players unleashing their inner rally drivers is a must watch.

And no, before you ask, Cesc does not attempt to pull a ‘donut’.

Please take a moment to doff your metaphorical cap to Celia Hodkin, Kickettes. Celia has been a Manchester City fan since 1933, and achieved a life’s ambition last weekend when she was invited to be the mascot at her club’s game vs. Fulham.

As is only right for a woman of such commitment and stature, Celia was afforded VIP treatment on game day, taking in the sights and sounds of the tunnel, the changing room (!) and getting a ball (l) signed by all the players. Her daughter Cath Stone told mcfc.co.uk “My Mum had an absolutely wonderful day, she said she felt that everyone at City made her feel as important as the Queen!”

As yet, we’ve no indication as to whether Celia managed a crafty pinch of anyone’s behind. But we figure she probably did. She’s a Kickette, after all.

The Kickette round commences at 38.29. But really, you should watch the whole show. You’re clearly not busy, because you’re here.

If our appearance on ESPN’s Talk Of The Terrace didn’t give you a hint that boys have no clue what a woman wants from a footballer, our latest foray into TV territory certainly should.

We are honoured to report that ‘Talking Balls’, a web based footie show presented by the hilarious Chris Cohen, will now be featuring a ‘Kickette Round’, during which celebrity guests will apparently be confounded by our love of Cesc Fabregas, confused about manhose and totally nonplussed about the contents of the Finest 5.

We see this as our opportunity to educate, but it won’t be easy. If you need a hint about about how much work is required, watch the part where Antony Costa (formerly of Blue) and comedian Jim Smallman consider who might be included in one of our infamous polls, only to come up with…David James.

It’s gonna be a long hard struggle, peeps.

Image: REUTERS/Sergio Moraes.

With our penchant for crap hats and whips, you might say we’re the ‘Indiana Jones’s’ of the fluffy football world.

With this in mind, we ventured into the depths of the Copa Libertadores last night and found this photo of Wagner (r) being tackled/molested (depending on how loose your definition on on-pitch discipline is) by the magnificently named Hugo Nervo.

We hope you’re grateful. You have no idea what we had to crawl through to get this.

Image: Sport.es.

Because our inboxes are blazing with “friendly” reminder e-mails concerning all the footy birthdays we failed to mention, we’ve been peer pressured into doing it now.

Happy Birthday to them:

- Not only do Gerard Pique & Shakira share saliva, they also share the same birth date (albeit 10 years apart – he turned 25 while she reached 35 on 2 February). They celebrated their special day at a joint go-kart party surrounded by friends like Cesc Fabregas, Carles Puyol and his new lady, Giselle Lacouture.

- Following in the admirable tradition of stretching out the extravaganza as long as poss, Sara Carbonero celebrated her 28th birthday for three days straight. It started off with a dose of Facebook birthday love from her beau, who also picked her up from work that day. Then on Saturday, Miss Carbonero hit Madrid’s city centre shops and eateries with her closest girlfriends. She and Iker finally reunited on Sunday and, after cleverly avoiding the photogs, spent some private time together. Presumably in both of their birthday suits.

- As far as we know, Cristiano Ronaldo had a quiet night in with family for his 27th birthday last Sunday (5 February). While his other half was hosting an event in Las Vegas, CR7 munched on delicious cake. Perhaps he’ll be in for a wild nighttime treat upon her return?

Bonus birthday round:

- Neymar was showered with a delightful concoction of shampoo, chocolate syrup and flour by his best mates in celebration of his 100th career goal + 20th birthday this past weekend. How his trousers managed to remain on through both ordeals is up for discussion, Kickettes.

Laurent Koscielny is old enough to be married. This is his wife, Claire. Image: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images.

The Laureaus World Sport Awards took place at the Central Hall in Westminster last night. As is usual with these events, a smattering of footballers turned up to watch Bobby Charlton pick up a Lifetime Achievement Award and surely what must be the most shocking event of the year so far: Leo Messi not winning an award he has been nominated for.

Indeed, it was Novak Djokovic who picked up the World Sportsman of the Year gong, which must be a relief to Leo’s cabinet maker, if no one else.

Anyway, enough of the boring stuff. How did our ‘baller boys represent?

Image: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images.

Juan Mata is a secret agent. When he’s not harassing opposition goalkeepers with awesome goalscoring prowess, he’s jumping out of planes, being chased around Eastern Europe in a posh car and then arriving for a ‘posh do’ with not a hair out of place.

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Image: Tim Whitby/Getty Images.

Andre Villa Boas, on the other hand, was dropped off to the event by his mum. She dressed him, too.

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Image: Tom Dulat/Getty Images.

Alan Shearer may be a football legend, but is absolutely no good at standing still, on his own, having his picture taken. Awkward!

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Image: Ian Walton/Getty Images.

Arsene Wenger’s plans for global domination extend further than the football pitch. We see you Arsene!

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Did we miss anything? No, thought not. Other than Cheryl Vieira’s fabu dress, we meant to say.

Kickettes, this is your morning alarm call. Please haul your carcasses out of bed and stand to attention. Like Stevie. Image: AP Photo/Tim Hales.

The title race is heating up across several of the domestic leagues, which means so should our Man Candy detectors.

Except they’re not.

Seems they’re having a bit of technical difficulty picking up on their targets, if you know what we mean.

Images: AFP PHOTO / JOHN MACDOUGALL; AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth; REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo.

Now, we love us some opaque tights and woolly jumpers in the winter just as much as the next group of good-looking girls, so long as we’re the ones wearing them.

We do take serious, serious issue with the crazy-making spandex players are wearing to combat the cold, however. Best left in the reject dressing rooms on the Pineapple Dance Studios reality show, we honestly can’t think of any circumstance or weather condition where they should be worn.

Here’s why: nowadays, players are young and of much potential. Not sure who is feeding them what, but they certainly are growing up rather strong and large of thigh. So then, why should they hide all signs of their smokin’ hot manskin beneath 16 layers of the unsexiest lycra money can buy?

Do you realise and appreciate the importance of keeping one’s nether regions warm and comfortable? Or are you an adventurous type of bystander who thrives on the excitement of flesh flashing? Tell us or our poll how you’re feeling, Kickettes.

YOU try keeping them apart. Image: AFP PHOTO/ IAN KINGTON.

Don’t feel bad that you missed all the transfer news because you’re such important people. We, too, were engaged in frantic busy work (sleeping, shopping, drinking or a horrifying and painful combination of all three) when the window slammed shut at 23.00(GMT) on 31st January, and subsequently missed debuts, goals and probably the elevation of one or two people to ‘club legend’ status.

Here’s a quickie round-up of the most notable moves. There weren’t many.

Image: Richard Heathcote/Getty Images Europe.

QPR fans are already receiving the benefit of Djibril Cisse’s goalscoring prowess, previously enjoyed by Lazio, Liverpool, Sunderland and innumerable other clubs. Cisse scored twelve minutes into his debut vs. Aston Villa, having signed for the London club for a reported £4million on Tuesday. The side also secured the services of Bobby Zamora from Fulham, although he’s never been out in public in a skirt and doesn’t look *quite* as interesting when he takes his shirt off.

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Breath easy once more, Kickettes. Steven Pienaar has reunited with former love Leighton Baines at Everton, on a rest-of-the-season loan deal from Spurs. The Toffees also strengthened upfront, signing Glasgow Rangers striker Nikica Jelavic for an undisclosed fee. It’s pretty cold up there in Scotland, so episodes of nudity have been hard to track down, but hopefully the atmosphere and comparatively clement weather at Goodison will change this.

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Bolton Wanderers have filled the Gary Cahill shaped hole in their defence with New York Red Bulls’ Tim Ream. The USMNT player had just got married when the call came through from Owen Coyle, and Ream will inevitably have to spend the next few months making up to his new wife. The honeymoon, which was a bought- and-paid-for trip to the South Pacific, is now taking place in Bolton.

That’s some serious shoe shopping right there.

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Alan Smith at MK Dons. Surprised? Image: Pete Norton/Getty Images.

Finally, Alan Smith’s career on the bench at Newcastle has been put on temporary hold, with the former Manchester United and England striker signing the rest of his season away to League One side MK Dons. The Blonde Bombshell (and occasional Kickette favourite) reportedly had offers from “clubs at a higher level” but rejected them as he was impressed with new manager Karl Robinson ”footballing philosophy.”

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What’s your view, Kickettes? Do you wish there had been some more last minute dramz like last year? Or do you consider summer to be more of a ‘window’ of opportunity? Tell us.

Edinson Cavani. Forcing us to rethink our oppression of t-shirt/suit jacket combos since 9.30am this morning. Image: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images.

If someone else is going to go to the trouble of picking out and rewarding their favourite Serie A players, it would be remiss of us not to use the photo opportunity for a random post.

Last week was the Gran Gala’ del calcio, an awards ceremony where the great and the good of Italian football (players, coaches, journos) vote on categories such as Player of the Year, Manager of the Year and of course, the highly competitive Dodgy ‘Do of the Year.**

It’s a given that we’re less interested in the awards than what the players looked like.

Image: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images Europe.

A bit tired and dishevelled? Trouble holding up his AIC Award? At least we know why.

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Image: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images.

Either his centre parting is so vigorous it’s changing the shape of his face, or Zlatan is warming up one of his famed Bitch faces. We seriously hope, for the sake of the footballing glitterati present, that it’s the former.

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Image: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images.

Bad stand-up comedian or casual footballer about town? It could go either way with Udinese striker Antonio Di Natale.

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Attracted to Ibra? Amazed by Edinson? Or appalled by Prince Boateng?

**We may have made one of those awards up.