'Randoms' Category

Crimes Against Beauty: Sky’s Serie A Advert

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AC Milan’s Alexandre Pato. Apparently, there is a fine line between pretty and putrid. Images via ahh_serie_a

To vandalise something beautiful is a crime, people. And we abhor all crime here at Kickette. (Unless it involves the liberation of abandoned cocktails, in which case our Puritanism becomes a touch hazy.)

One thing is for certain, this discovery exposes the dark and sinister underbelly of the advertising world and the lengths some broadcasters will go to in order to sell their product. We feel it is our duty to alert you to these sickening acts. User discretion is advised.

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World Cup Criers: A Meme On Man Tears

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Image via Getty/Daylife

Another World Cup has come and gone. Hearts have either been broken or burst open with pride. Credit card debt has its moment in the sun. All the Budweiser has been tapped dry. And tears. So many tears have been shed, we wish we’d gotten into the eye cream/cold spoon merch six months ago.

We’ve lovingly covered crying men in the past. But this time around, it’s different. The stakes were so high, emotions so on edge. And thus, the cry-game was elevated to new, lip quivering heights.

Let’s examine, shall we?

Above is Ghana’s Asamoah Gyan, demonstrating I Let An Entire Continent Down tears. We feel for him, Kickettes. Gyan had a great tournament, but at that crucial moment during Ghana’s quarterfinal match against Uruguay, he failed to convert a penalty kick that would have helped his team advance to the semifinals and kept African hopes alive. We’re hoping someone has Fed-Exed him an industrial sized box of Ferrero Rocher. And a therapist. Bless.

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Cheryl Cole: Dating Disasters With Derek Hough

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Derek’s mosquito surveillance techniques were found to be seriously flawed. Image courtesy of Bauer Griffin via Zimbio.

You know what it like, Kickettes. You’re in the early stages of dating (yes, we realise it’s in all likelihood a tabloid scam but please, go with it), taking those first tentative steps towards a relationship and in the first flush of love you plan a surprise for your beau. What could be more romantic than a week away in a foreign clime, taking in the sights and sounds of an exotic country and revelling in the excitement of just being together?

And then your partner catches a hideous, potentially fatal disease. Poor Derek Hough. Apparently he’s feeling pretty low at the moment.

But to be quite honest, Derek, we don’t think you should worry. Cheryl was once married to Ashley Cole. She’s used to travel that results in nausea, weakness and prolonged battles fought out in the newspapers.

But on the reals, Kickettes – Chezza was actually in a very, very bad way, and we were sincerely glad to hear she was transferred from ICU to a private care facility over the weekend. It’s more bad news for her fans, though: with her health being utmost priority, she unfortunately has been forced to bow out of X Factor boot camp stages and will not be performing at V Festival after all.

Get better soon, CC!

B-Day: Yoann Gourcuff Turns Twenty-Four

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Happy birthday, Yoann!

Through all the (shirtless) highs and (lash-jealous) lows, we’ve always loved you for the pretty piece of perfection that you are.

As our Finest Five number one, we wish you only the best: a happy 24th birthday, and a new year with none of the circus sideshow and bitchassness that the previous one contained. We think the best course of action for true happiness is to book a well-publicized holiday on an easily-accessible nude beach.

Kisses!

‘Baller Bylines: Dimitar Berbatov, Manchester United

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Image copyright John/Matt Peters/ www.manutd.com.

Dimitar Berbatov: Seriously? You reckon they’ll put me in?

Darron Gibson: Honestly, mate. All you need to do is flash a bit of thigh and those vodka tramps at Kickette will jump on it. They’re basically caged hormones in heels.

Dimi: Like this? Dimi rolls up his shorts, inadvertently emulating every English football player of the late 1980’s.

Darron: Exactly. Now wait. One of their photographers will be operating in deep cover, probably in that hedge over there. They sometimes hang out by the bins too. What you need to do is start slowly, giving them just a few inches of thigh. They’ll take an interest and start to follow your action. Next session, maybe give them a glimpse of torso. You don’t want to peak too early.

Dimi: Okay, so thigh today, tummy tomorrow, yes? I like this! All the ladies gonna love them some D-Tar!

Darron: Oh, they will! They so will! Sniggers. Dimi looks on, suddenly uncertain.

Dimi: You wouldn’t set me up, would you, D? I’m an innocent, artistic Bulgarian boy made good. This season could be crucial for me. The Manchester United fans are slightly skeptical of my commitment since I used to score for fun at Spurs and now look vaguely confused when approaching the penalty area. I can’t afford any mishaps.

Darron: Honestly, mate. You look bangin’. Tell ‘im, Paul.

Paul Scholes: Bangin, mate. Ahem.