'Randoms' Category

Lionel Messi: Finds Meat Fascinating

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No judgment here, Leo. We’ve all found ourselves seduced by the sweet siren call of meat on a skewer. Usually after 2am when we’ve lost a stiletto and signed rights to our first born children over to cover our bar tab. You seem in much better shape in Brazil, dining with Antonella. Image copyright Globo.com

Fantasy Football: If Players Were Politicians

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JT & Ash discuss policy reform at the inaugral Ministry of Skankocity press conference. (Images: Getty Images, AP Photos via Daylife).

Global ambassadors whose every move and indiscretion is gleefully fallen upon and dissected by a voracious media? Check.

Events that affect the mood of millions? Check.

The hopes and dreams of a nation in the hands of a guy who barely seems capable of tying his own shoelaces? Check.

Yup, politics certainly has more in common with sport than we thought. After all ladies, it pays to plan for the future. Football can be a very callous employer: one day you’re hot, the next you’re overweight/your knees have buckled/you’re running a sports bar in Asshat County. Be warned!

Admittedly not all of the departments we’ve described actually exist. But we’ve never let the facts get in the way of a good story and don’t intend to start now.

Ministry of Skankocity: (See lead pic.) 

In a nod to the new ‘double-header’ parliament in the UK we’ve chosen John Terry & Ashley Cole for this one. This entertaining partnership brings the sublime AND the ridiculous to the political arena and have recently demonstrated a promising capacity for shocking timing too.

 At present, Mr Cole is forging ahead with the Ministry’s remit of taking the concept of skank to previously uncharted territory while Mr Terry takes a lower profile role until the dust settles. We have no doubt that he will return to the campaign trail in due course.

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Yoann Gourcuff: Honk Like A Man

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Please note that when writing the title of this story, we did not say, “Yoann Gourcuff Gives Us The Horn”, nor did we say “Yoann Gourcuff Has A Big, Big Horn”.

And we really wanted to.

We also considered, “Yoann Gourcuff; He So Horn-y.”

Thanks N!

Cristiano Ronaldo: We Need To Talk

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If you look closely, Crissy’s in there. Images via Reuters via Daylife.

Dear Cris,

We’re sorry to do this publicly. We are. But we love you lustily, and since you seem to have blocked our number, we were left with no choice. Perhaps this may be the shock you need.

You see, we saw your strangely wide, heavily-gelled faux-hawk type coiff in last night’s game. And while it’s subtle enough now, we are extremely concerned that if you continue along this stiffly slicked path, your next logical career move will be try outs for the latest series of Jersey Shore.

While you would clearly fit in well, we fear for the suppliers of fake tan in the Tri-state area and their ability to cope with the sudden spike in demand. Buy some clippers, even if they’re leopard, and shave.if.off. All of it. It will change your life and ours.

Whatddya think?

Kisses and nose rubs,
Kickette

World Cup Word Games: Spanish National Team

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We’re all about keeping things light today, dear readers, as motivation ain’t running too high.

Because our inner fantasies can barely contain themselves, we’re playing The Kickette Word Association Game. The rules are this: we’ll give a word and/or phrase and you must disclose the first thought/person that comes to mind.

You can thank the magical minds of Barney’s and Simon Doonan for inspiring this game. If you know your Spanish NT gossip, this should be a breeze.

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