As bromances go, we can’t say we expected this. But ya know what? It might just be mad enough to work… Image: REUTERS/Eddie Keogh.

It’s past 5 o’clock somewhere, Kickettes.

Consider that an explanation for our poor spelling, lack of coherence and just about anything else that’s horribly wrong after the jump.

GOOD WEEK

Mr & Mrs K take a well earned break from the babies at the Australian Open tennis final on 29th January. Image: Scott Barbour/Getty Images.

Daddy Kewell: We mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the gorgeous Kewell fam had welcomed their latest addition, and now delicious Dolly has made her public debut. The babe was pictured taking a light beverage in Daddy’s arms this morning in Melbourne, while Momma Sheree shared pram pushing duties with the other kidlings. If we were ever going to have a ‘Favourite Football Family’ contest, this lot would have to be odds on to win. But then…

Touch Base With Torres: Always wanted to find out what exactly it is that Fernando Torres keeps in his shorts? Ask him whether he too believes that cutting his hair killed his mojo? Now’s your opportunity as the Chelsea striker will be appearing on Chelsea TV’s ‘Friday Night Live’ show shortly and taking viewer questions. Our advice? Keep things nice and friendly if you’re planning on asking him out. And avoid talking about his scoring record.

Fear & Loathing: Joey Barton has blamed the “archaic” attitudes of football managers for the lack of openly gay players in the English professional game. Barton, speaking on a BBC documentary presented by Justin Fashanu‘s niece Amal, said that some individuals still believed that a gay player would cause all kinds of “shenanigans in the dressing room“, and want to prevent that. The QPR midfielder, who has a gay uncle, blames a lack of social awareness for the problem.

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BAD WEEK

Yes, we were surprised too, CBB presenter Brian Dowling. Image: Niki Nikolova/Getty Images.

No, Just Desperate: Horrendous news for those of you who like nothing more than challenging your mind with edifying, intellectual television. Rumours abound that Liverpool’s foray into the dramality genre, ‘Desperate Scousewives’, is going to be axed due to a “lukewarm” viewer response. Having sat through the show ourselves, we’re surprised that Channel 4 committed to a word as strong as ‘lukewarm’.

Big (Bad) Move: Nicola McLean has admitted that going into the Celebrity Big Brother house recently was “the worst decision of her life“. McLean, who is married to former Kettering striker Tom Williams, entered the house to much fanfare alongside de facto WAG Natasha Giggs, but was eliminated after getting involved in a row with Playboy twins Karissa & Kristina Shannon and ‘Loose Women’ presenter and eventual winner Denise Welch. Early reports suggest that no-one cares.

Egypt Riot: Sadly, it appears that the political instability in Egypt has spilled onto the football pitch, with security forces being criticised for the deaths of more than seventy people at the Al-Ahly vs. Al Masry match on Wednesday. Trouble flared when Al Masry shocked the hosts with a 3-1 victory and their fans stormed the pitch, reportedly attacking opposition players and other fans. Three days of mourning has been declared in Egypt and a minute’s silence will be held at the Africa Cup of Nations games this weekend.

Our thoughts are with the families and friends of the deceased and injured.

Image: Sporten.dk.

This is Missé Beqiri and these are her extremely not safe for work “girls”. We’re particularly impressed by her ability to smoke a cigarette with one hand and no bra.

If those perky things didnt get your attention maybe this will: she’s a Swedish model who is said to be dating Manchester United’s Danish backdoor bad boy keeper, Anders Lindegaard.

As far as we can tell, Missé doesn’t seem to have the same loose morals and questionable standards that we often look for in WAGs or strive to possess ourselves. That’s without taking into account her plethora of nudie shots and the inevitable paralysis of our pupils had we actually looked through her nipples’ entire portfolio, though.

Imagery-crazy aside, this 24-year-old Albanian model from Malmö, Sweden has quite the CV; she’s fronted many a mags and a handful of brand campaigns, albeit largely in Sweden and Denmark. That should soon change, however, now that she’s got Major Models reppin’ her throughout a few European cities. Missé is a fellow blogger as well, so we gotta give her props for being a sucker slave to her keyboard passion. Also, and perhaps most impressive of all: she bears a striking resemblance to American supermodel, Cindy Crawford.

It’s imperative for you all to know that this hook up rumour is spreading on the basis of Beqiri and Lindegaard leaving lovey dovey Facebook messages and emoticon hearts on one another’s private pages this past New Year’s Eve. Anders was apparently humble bragging about having the best girlfriend, to which Missé supposedly responded, “As good as it gets…”

Well, whatever these two crazy kids are (or aren’t) doing will be fine by us as long as a webcam is involved on his part. After all, Anders is 27-years-old and making trailer loads of cash – how dare we put a stopper on his need to <3?

Above at left, MB for FEMINA Denmark December 2010. Thumbnail at left was shot by Niklas Højlund.

Image: Lexpress.fr.

Today’s fashion and design news – presented in order of our excitement levels.

Meh: The French prostitute at the centre of the French NT scandal involving Franck Ribery and Karim Benzema debuted her own line of lingerie at Paris Couture Fashion Week today.

Things Are Getting Interesting: Zahia Dehar’s lookbook was shot by none other than Karl Lagerfeld himself, which is a vast improvement from her Ed Hardy days.

Sh*t Just Got Real: It’s Girl Scout cookie season and we just placed our annual orders for Samoas and Thin Mints.

Image from 14.01.2012.

We’ve been kinda freaking out over here ever since this photo of Montpellier’s resident hottie surfaced.

Is he single? Taken? A mama’s boy?

Kickettes?!

Image: Leo Pix.

We’ve come across some potentially juicy stuff relating to the new coupling of Kevin-Prince Boateng and Melissa Satta, most of which you’ll want to read and judge for yourselves.

There’s both facts and falsehoods to sift through here, so a bulleted list it is.

The Backstory

- K-P married his long term girlfriend, Jennifer, two days after signing with Tottenham Hotspur in ’07. The couple eventually had one son together.

- From there, his domestic league duties took him to Portsmouth and Genoa before a successful loan stint at AC Milan saw him pen a more permanent contract with a club.

- In September of 2011, Boateng ended his four year marriage to Jennifer, who is German (K-P plays for Ghana while younger brother, Jerome, chose to play for Germany’s national team). The split was said to be amicable and Kevin-Prince was allowed to keep his tools just in case he had to fix any home repairs.

- Since around last October, K-PB was said to be dating SI Swimsuit model/Christian Vieri ex, Melissa Satta. Coincidentally or not, this was around that same time his ex-wife high-tailed it back to Berlin with their son, Jermaine-Prince.

- It’s worth reminding you all about the time Satta was seen disembarking from Leo DiCaprio’s private plane. Lucky, lucky bish.

The Latest

- Boateng’s relationship with Satta was firmly cemented after the pair were papped out together at a Rihanna concert in early December.

- Naturally, the rumour mill went cray cray over this footy + “fashion” model hook up, with gossip circulating about the real reason Mr & Mrs Boateng split up: so Kevin could pursue Melissa, whom he met at a AC Milan’s party.

- One thing we want to call out for you, Kickettes: we didn’t read/find any suggestions that Boateng cheated on his wife with Melissa while he and Jennifer were still married. Of course, that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen…

- Assuming Boateng himself caught wind of such infidelity allegations, he formally responded with: “Me and Melissa are lovers and happy, we do not do anything wrong.”

- Since the start of 2012, we’ve learned a lot about Melissa. For example, to say she likes taking pictures of herself would be an understatement. She LOVES taking pictures of herself.

- Also, she’s not a fan of clothes. Sky News Italia is a huge fan of this (NSFW).

- Anyway, the Italian media have been having a field day charting the comings and goings of these two ever since Melissa snagged herself a seat fit for an official WAG in the Dolce & Gabbana VIP suite at the San Siro.

- She even managed a visit from the AC Milan player in between his squad’s training sessions in Dubai over the holidays. Homegirl’s photo opportunities are impressive, we admit.

- Together, we predict they’ll eventually topple Mario Balotelli & Raffaella Fico in the WBCHTRP style-less stakes.

- In conclusion: footy relationships are hard work. We suck at hard work.

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Well, we’ve done our job. Now will you do yours please?

John Terry’s bulge takes a hit from a schoolboy. That’s precious cargo, son! Watch where you’re aiming next time!

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There’s a rumour going around that Pepe (of all people) just came out of the closet on a French radio show. Sounds like complete BS to us because A) why French radio? B) isn’t he married? – but we thought we’d share in case someone has heard the same thing or wishes to dispel.

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The Gerrards really know how to throw a rager, noise complaints, police visits and all. A party at 4am on a Sunday/Monday obviously begs this question: where were their kids during the party madness?

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Alberto Aquilani’s iPhone cover is greater than, or equal to, Wayne Rooney’s manbag artwork.

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Samsung and ESPN have teamed up to launch ‘Project Teamwork’ – a global exploration into sports that’s using four handsome footballers to discover how the greatest athletes master teamwork.

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Is Dimitar Berbatov leaving the EPL on a jet plane, only to never come back again?

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This is taking the whole ‘make-up lessons on YouTube trend’ a wee bit far, dontcha think Kickettes?

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We want to scoff at this story, but sadly, we’ve been there before.

Irina Shayk, Dolores Aveiro and Katia Dos Santos (not pictured) at the Intercontinental hotel in Madrid, Spain.

Irina Shayk’s made-for-our-left-hands golf ball-sized ring is playing tricks on us. We first laid eyes on it last week during Cristiano’s Golden Boot presentation, but by Sunday evening, it was noticeably absent during Irina’s walk down the European Music Awards red carpet.

The wooly mammoth of bling deserves a name. We think.

Fine then, we shall call her ‘Nereida,’ but let’s keep that info between us Kickettes, okay?

Anyway, the diamond Shayk was wearing earlier last weekend was made by Di Grisogno, the same brand that once paid ex-WAG Cheryl Cole a hefty sum to slap her name on a special capsule collection of their baubles. Knowing this, we can’t help but feel that Nereida’s recent showing was a fleeting occurrence – definitely not a permanent mainstay on Irina’s usually bare left hand.

That’s not to say, of course, we can outright deny the whispers we’ve heard re: these two becoming seriously involved, which started to surface after Cristiano began building his own hotel and golf course. Naturally, the property will bear his name once its completed later this summer. Ironically, July 2012 just so happens to be the date that’s being pegged for Irina and C-Ron’s supposedly impending nuptials.

Problem with this theory is that month is smack dab in the middle of the Euros 2012 in Poland. So unless Ronaldo and team Portugal fail to attend – which we can’t see happening – we’d again argue that Nereida is a publicity ploy surrounded by some nonsense. Wouldn’t be the first time, that’s for sure!

But really, your guesses on the validity of these rumours are as good as ours, dear readers. Anyone down for playing the wait-and-see game with us?

Images via Tumblr.

In a car much cleaner than his Spanish NT defensive partner, Sergio Ramos’ shady drop off last Thursday has added fresh fuel to rumours that he and Spanish TV presenter, Lara Álvarez, are giving their relationship another go.

Lara first popped up on our radar nearly a year ago, but her whirlwind romance with The Ramos™ was unexpectedly short-lived. Due to ‘Sergio’s jealously’ – which would’ve never been an issue for us were the Cinderella stiletto on our feet – she supposedly broke up with him circa March/April 2011. However, the couple has publicly reunited since then, most recently seen together leaving a concert hand-in-hand. That is, until their paradise by the dashboard lights drive-by was caught on film from a distance eight days ago (PS – she shops at Zara). Will this be a deep and meaningful second shot at love or are these two merely trying to smush?

Someone none too happy with The Ramos™ and his mating mackin’ is Revista Cuore. The Spanish glossy has put the Real Madrid defender on their latest cover accompanied by the title, “What do they see in them? Ugly guys with pretty girls.” We may have called Sergio many outlandish things (i.e. Kermit Jeans King), but ‘ugly’ has never been part of our vocabulary.

Except when it comes to these shoes. Those are ugly.

Image: Michael Regan/Getty Images Europe.

We’ve heard all the arguments about the relevance of the League Cup to English football. But the value of the gate receipts and er… exposure opportunities for clubs like Aldershot Town (and busy women who don’t have time to scour the lower leagues) cannot be underestimated.

Ashely Cole and Chloe Green leaving Cirque du Soir, Ganton Street, London.

Ashley Cole and Chloe Green are a rando mix of people to be seen exiting Cirque du Soir’s backdoor separately at 4am, no?

Clearly they must be doing it. And clearly Ashley has a fetish for wannabe ballerinas.

Just kidding! We have no clue why the Chelsea man and the reality telly star were doing their best to play coy and undercover when they weren’t even pictured together, but at least Ashley looked spiff in the process.

That is, until he got into a heated argument with a passer by along his way home, politely picking a fight with the stranger smack dab in the middle of the street. Although his mate was successful in his attempts at physical containment, Ashley then rifled off a verbal assault on bystanding paparazzi, telling one of them that they’d be ‘dead in two years’.

All’s fair in lust & street fights?