Here at Kickette, we’re of the ‘introducing a pair of scissors to the crotch of his Armani suits when he rejects us’ school of thought. Rather than the ‘claiming to be like Barack Obama’ mad cow method, say. Of course, we’d like to make it clear at this point that this is a hypothetical statement based on the fact that we are clearly too hot to get rejected. Just so you know.
Carles Puyol: It’s your duty as a Barcelona player! I thought you understood this! You’re not playing for an ordinary club. It’s about commitment. A final push and we can take this game!
Gerard Pique: Carles, while I admire your commitment and dedication to the cause, I will not allow you to punch me in the face. My bleeding on the pitch has been caused by a series of unfortunate incidents. It is not a tactic!
Puyol: Unbelievable! The world is watching! If you bleed, people see how committed we are to the cause of Barcelona. They will see how, despite our success on the pitch, we are not complacent and are still prepared to go to any lengths to succeed. It sends a message!
Pique: Well, if that’s what it’s about, let me punch you in the face! My bleeding is old news now. Photographs of you bleeding will be so much more powerful, like Terry Butcher for England. You will become an icon! Let’s do it!
Puyol: No, forget it, that isn’t going to happen. Getting blood out of my hair is a nightmare. I’ll be in the hairdresser’s for hours while they try and get my lustrous shine and natural curl back. Nevermind, let’s just win at Panathinaikos instead.
On his way? Apparently. (Getty Images/Daylife)
UPDATE: Wayne Rooney has released a statement this afternoon confirming his desire to leave Manchester United. The reason? The player was not given ‘any of the assurances I was seeking about the future squad’. You can read it here.
‘We’ve done nothing but help him at this club. Manchester United is that kind of club. We’re as bemused as anyone as why he would want to leave a club that’s won 40 major trophies, a platform for anyone. We don’t understand it.
The player has said he’s adamant he wants to leave. We have to deal with the next part of that, his request.’
Sir Alex Ferguson in a pre-Champions League press conference today.
Clemens Fritz. Newly single? Image via clemensfritz.com
Speculation abounds (here at least) as to the current ’status’ of former Sizzle Query entrant and all round blond bombshell Clemens Fritz. German newspaper ‘Bild’ has it that the Werder Bremen right back split up with girlfriend Millie some time in May, although their last public outing was in December last year. The couple had been together for two and a half years.
We have suspected this for some time. You see, during his relationship, Clemens was the epitome of clean cut German boy (above). While his new image is not exactly tramp-like (left), we think his rugged new look screams ‘Help me, I am in the midst of an emotional crisis. I need a lady to look after me and stroke me and help me brush my hair’.
Any volunteers out there?
Sadly, this is not the only tragic news to hit the Bundesliga this week. Apparently, Bayern Munich’s inept performances on the pitch have resulted in the team visit to Oktoberfest being cancelled. Considering the amount of preparation the boys have put in, this is a terrible shame.
Although having seen what happened last time they became involved with large quantities of liquid (left), we can’t say we’re surprised. (Getty Images/Daylife)