'The Finest Five' Category

Finest 5 Revamp: Kickettes, It’s Marco’s Way Or The Highway

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You see, Kickettes, we’re really just conduits – no, pawns – in the fight for good vs.evil.

Remember when Bad Borri failed to triumph against the forces of good in the last F5 battle? We were distraught. Devastated, even. How could a creature of such astonishing beauty (left) and downright manliness not have a place in the most relevant rundown of football player hotness since… well, the Hot Hall of Fame? [Image at left: Bellazon]

True to our spoiled brat form, we’re rebelling. There’s only so much wholesome goodness a bunch of hungover bishes can take. Any guy who spends as much time rolling about exposing his rampant hotness on these hallowed pages totes deserves his day in the Kickette boudoir sun.

NEW RECRUITS

Marco Borriello, AS Roma

To quote ZZ Top, “Women Go Crazy ‘Bout a Sharp Dressed Man”.

Welcome Marco, we’re extremely pleased to see you. Whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Be a good sport and keep it up.

‘Fraid you’ll have find a limo for the trip back to your place, though. Kickette ladies’ blow outs and motorbikes do not mix.

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B-Day: Nemanja Vidic Turns 29

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Image via Alex Livesey/Getty Images Europe

Hot robot birthday alert! Finest Five member and Manchester United captain Nemanja Vidic is celebrating his 29th birthday, Kickettes. Punch someone in the nose in his honour today, won’t you?

We suspect a good tune-up and maybe some oil on any relevant creaky joints is all Vida requires for this special day. As such, we are now imagining the many ways in which we would like to apply said oil (and also edible chocolate paint) to all parts of his body. Sadly our restraining order for ‘bot stalking is still in effect.

Perhaps he’ll settle for a pair of shoes from Rio instead? What would you buy Vida for his birthday? And don’t say edible chocolate paint, we already picked that one. Seriously, back off.

Fernando Torres & Olalla: Expecting Their Own Niño

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We know, it’s rather unfathomable to think this man is capable of procreating both ovary-bursting boys and girls, but it’s true, Kickettes: Fernando and Olalla’s second child will be a baby boy. Image: GTRES.

Yes, Kickettes, it’s true. A bigger story than Sergio’s haircut has broken and better still, the outcome (we hope) will be infinitely more visually attractive.

In an interview with Cadena Cope, where Fernando discusses this past World Cup and his current EPL career, the interviewers inquire about the impending birth of his second child (Olalla will be about 6 months pregnant in September).

Despite his best attempts at playing coy, when probed, Torres simply responds with: Es Niño (translation: It’s a boy).

We can’t tell you. There hasn’t been this much excitement-induced nausea in the Kickette office since a cookie dough van broke down outside…

A Note To Joe Hart (And His Pants)

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Dear Joe,

After your decision to completely decimate our offices with your brazen car park trouser switch, we really have been left with no choice.

We will need some time, (and perhaps shock therapy), to regain control of our minds. Once we are able to go more than five minutes without squealing, “Joe Hart in his pants!” to random passersby, you are going straight to the top of the Finest 5 consideration list.

Our people will contact your people.*

Love, Kickette.

*By shouting at them as they drive quickly away whilst speed-dialing the police.

UPDATE: Dear reader J sent us this. Have you seen?

Bank Holiday Monday Mmm: Nemanja Vidic, Serbia

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Has our favourite hot-robot been struck by some sort of outer-space home-planet freeze-ray? If so, please deliver him asap to 2nd Floor, Kickette Towers (above the Bargain Booze shop), Kensington, SW7. Cheers. Image via Attila Kisbenedek/AFP/Getty Images.