'The Finest Five' Category

The F5 Vote: Xabi Alonso v. Marco Borriello


So we’re devious. Dastardly, even. You can hate us if you want. But this is the F5. It’s important.

As we all hit the midweek hump, we’re forcing our opinionated readers to stare into the windows of their deepest fangirl souls. We’re not going to let anyone get comfortable, making leisurely – but largely safe – choices based on torsos, thighs or coiff.

Rather, today is about opposites: Vanilla versus Chocolate. Chequered Wallet versus Chequered Past. Protection versus Pregnancy.

And we need to know: what kind of woman are you?

Please bear in mind that your preference here is indicative of your personality type. We must warn you that your choice could affect future career prospects and your ability to obtain credit.

Welcome to the F5 – Good v. Evil edition. Ay Dios Mio.


The F5 Vote: Nemanja Vidic v. Tim Cahill


Image via Sky Sports

No time for pretty boys with better beauty regimens than we have today, Kickettes. We’re bringing you the hard men. And by “hard” we mean, of course, hard of body. And possibly of skull.


First up: Serbian Mountain Man, Nemanja Vidic. One look at his thighs of steel, hard-as crooked nose, and clear-as-a-cool-spring blue eyes and we’re smitten. Not only can Vida defend like a mofo, he also produces the cutest children known to man (we have yet to see pics of baby Stefan, but let’s just go with the odds here). Bonus: he’ll carry your bags while you buy the entire women’s floor at Selfridges! Good robot.

Vida is not a man who is afraid to get down and dirty, as he once held the distinction of being the most booked defender in the Premier League. He’s not afraid to sacrifice his hot body for club or country and he can also wear a suit like a second skin.

The only drawback we see here is that Vida and shirt removal don’t seem to go hand in hand, as shirtless pics of  2008/2009 Manchester United Player of The Year are hard to come by. This can easily be remedied at the Kickette Institute of Hot Robot Baller Production and Maintenance once the PL season has ended and Vida comes in for his usual tune-up. In the meantime, we offer you the photo at left. Click to get full size. No explanation needed.


The F5 Vote: Yoann Gourcuff v. Niko Kranjcar



The case for: You might know him as “Lashes”, and oh yes, the nickname was given for a reason. Lashes is also the man who won The Kickette 2009 Readers Choice Award as the baller with the best body (by a landslide we might add).

Indeed, part of Mr. G’s charm is his commitment to repeatedly removing his clothes on the pitch. In the presence of news cameras and camera phones. Time and time again. (And again.)

Random factoid – after much careful consideration (think:  zooming in until our contact lenses need replacing) we have established Yoann’s undies are clean. That’s always a plus, non? If you touch them, harps play and little turquoise bejewelled butterflies float up into the sky. Please, don’t thank us for this information, we are service-y that way.

The case against: Very little, apart from the fact that Yoann still hasn’t responded to our carefully-penned love notes in broken Primary School French. Well, there’s the odd cheesy editorial spread to hold against him. It’s not much, but it’s all we’ve got.


The Finest Five 4.0: Game On


David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo, Freddie Ljungberg, Thierry Henry, Adrian Mutu

For those unfamiliar, the above gentlemen had the distinguished honour of being on our first Finest Five list. Oh yes, in 2007, these were the “most wanted” at Kickette Towers. Not too shabby, huh?

As time passed, hairlines receded, beards grew, and most of these men moved on over to the less volatile, more distinguished, Hot Hall of Fame list.

(For those unfamiliar, the Finest Five is an ‘of the moment’ list. The Hot HOF is a permanent placement; a recognition of life-long beauty. The F5 is ever-changing, depending on our mood, or a man’s commitment (or not) to base layers.)

But enough about the past. We’ve been harping on about revising the F5 List for some time, and we’re sure some of you lost hope that it would come to fruition. Well today is the day, dear readers. And this time around, we’re doing things differently. We’re involving you.

Get your Harrods sale elbows at the ready, Kickettes. This could get messy.


The Finest Five: New Season, New-ish List



Sunderland’s Kenwyne Jones and his statuesque, art-gallery worthy proportions humbly request your attention. Kickette has finally updated the damn F5 list. Please do read on.